Wife struggling with son's ASC diagnosis

Hi all,

4 months ago my 9 year old son was diagnosed with ASC following years of 'knowing' and being on waiting lists etc.

When we received the diagnosis, I felt like a massive weight came off my shoulders and that we'd get the necessary help through school and that my wife would be more supportive. However my wife has really struggled with my son's autism traits since day 1 around 7 years ago.  My son is from a previous relationship.

She claims to have read resources about autism to understand his behaviours more but nothing has changed in the way she deals with scrutinizing his behaviours. She has a daughter of the same age and treats both children completely differently - her daughter doesn't have ASC and generally behaviour is OK. I feel my son doesn't get any sort of leeway and I have bitten my tongue for years but since he's had his diagnosis naturally I have begun to defend him more which results in arguments. My thinking is that he is a child with a learning disability and if I don't defend him then nobody will.

Whenever autism is mentioned on TV for example she doesn't show any interest and she will never sit down with my son to understand why he behaves the way he does. She will go straight onto the offensive every time he does something wrong. He has a strong tendency to answer back and lie about things which will infuriate her even more.

Is there anyone I can talk to professionally about how I can help change her attitudes before it's too late? Or maybe someone here has had similar instances in life? As I have completely lost patience and I feel that my son is never going to improve whilst my wife is the way she is. She suffers from depression and I think that my son's autism triggers her depression. The atmosphere at home can be toxic at times and life is a struggle. I have a very stressful job and just want my son to improve and for my wife to be more understanding with him.

  • The only person who can change your wife's attitude is herself.   

  • I suspect that while parental love is unconditional, step-parental love is conditional, at least to some extent. The only way to change your wife's attitude to your son and his problems is to find some incentive for her to do so. Autistic children can be somewhat unrewarding in showing overt reciprocation of affection, they often do not like hugs and suchlike, and if you do not have a biological investment in a child (not being your own child), this can limit the extent of parental bonding. In the absence of a strong bond between your son and wife, it might be easier for her to treat his behaviour as being merely transgressive rather than as a result of his autism. How you could incentivise your wife into engaging with your son's autism, I couldn't say.