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Bad day and restraint

ParentingAutism

 Hi again, we've had such a bad day. To start off with I shouted at my daughter's teacher on the phone but luckily she understood why I was very emotional. 

Basically, we have the same issues every week or day but we don't know why. So today, she went to school fine but on the way there was an accident involving a cyclist being knocked off by a car but they said she seemed fine in the car and afterwards. She is a cyclist as well so she must be anxious about it. Apart from that, it was fine on the way and she did her first lesson well and had a chat to her teacher because she had a nightmare last night after witnessing a friend's attempted kidnap years ago. Everything was fine after that until it was time to go home and every Friday is the worst and we still don't know why. 

This time she refused to go home and when she was the last student left, they opened the gate to the car park but she walked past the cars and down the road trying to get away. Obviously many teachers followed her and tried bringing her back to school and they called me many times. There were around 7 staff with her and in the end she walked in a circle and then went towards the school which is near some train tracks but she made a move and walked into the middle of the road to go towards the tracks so 2 members of staff and to hold her and physically walk her back to school and into her room.

2 people were in the room with her, one blocking the door keeping it locked and the other on the other side of the room. She started getting bored and starting chucking things about and kicking chairs over and basically destroyed her room so the teachers had to obviously move everything out the room so she's safe. Then another staff member came in and they talked about dogs which calmed her. Then I got asked to collect her and I got her and I got her at 2:15 ish. She finishes at 12 and the students finish at 12:45 so again, she was the last student to go home. I don't know what to do? She just likes to wonder and she's a very high risk... I'm just lost, we don't know why she didn't want to go home and I've tried asking her but she doesn't know. I'm just at a dead end...

Parents

  • It sounds like you could stop restraining her? My sons father kept trying to use his video games as a source of discipline when they were actually helping him read (of course it wasn't discipline it was just the man being selfish). Children who learn kinetically need to be allowed to fail on their own many times. The more you forbid some, the more they desire.

    Instead, give her self defence classes, teach her to read an old fashioned map, navigate by the stars, a flashlight and start teaching her how to forage, tie knots, catch fish, etc. She is not cut out to serve society as one of the herd. Perhaps her future will involve wild expeditions. Perhaps she will discover a love for the arctic or Triathlons. 

    I'm not a professional, just a parent. But from all your posts, as mentioned before, it might be beneficial for everyone if she were allowed to become who she actually is? Education is always available. It sounds like she will benefit more from basic survival skills. 

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Yes, it was the teachers restraining her to keep her safe because she's going through a hard time and she was heading towards the motorway and train tracks where she has had a negative time before. I was stuck in traffic 40 minutes away so I couldn't do anything but talk to her on the phone asking her what the issues were, where she just said there weren't any and why she wouldn't get in the car or go back to school. When they got her back to school they wouldn't let her get into a school car to be taken home, that's why I had to get her. 

    She has always liked adventures and probably always will. She is joining police cadets to learn some things and to help the community. But, I agree they should stop restraining her and let her walk and explore because they won't let her offsite at all, not even for her end of term activity which was meant to be the cinema because she's too high risk after running off last time and now this time somehow... She told me she loves school and the teachers and doesn't want to come home at the end of the day. Don't know if I should believe this or not. Next week will be a challenge!! 

    With all this happening, part of me thinks that she likes being restrained because then someone else is in charge of the situation. In the past, she has put herself in situations where she needs to be restrained. Does this make any sense? 

  • in reply to ParentingAutism

    Suggesting she 'likes' being restrained And Also keeps trying to escape - these cannot coexist. Humans who manipulate others in order to be restrained are typically classified as Masochist and that is a very neurotypical thought process. 

    Escape on the other hand is a well-understood and well-intellectualised process of those who are marginalised, those who are schizophrenic, those who are overwhelmed, those who are neurodivergent. There are in-depth studies on Following a Line of Escape, whether it's a crack in the foundation or a plant budding from concrete or a river spilling over. 

    These don't go hand in hand.

    When she is 16, you might find out what the regulations are, if they change. For instance, if she gets hit by a car going home, will the school be held responsible. How aware is she that the school will be held under jury for her very existence? She may need Hard Contractual information. She may need to know the legal ramifications and why her breaking this contract has resulted in a consequence. 

    Though I doubt she will get hit on a motorway, especially as you mentioned she is Over Aware of the danger. 

    I have little hard advice here, but as a parent I would do whatever I can to facilitate survival skills, if I follow her line of escape. Learn to pitch and tie up a tarp outside for her to sleep under. Teach her how to control fire properly and different methods of extinguishing. Buy maps of the terrain and get her interested in botany - chamomile she can pick and make tea with. It won't be long before she is not legally obligated to suffer these restraining sessions. 

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Yes, thank you. Obviously you won't get the full picture since you don't see it in person so it's based on what I tell you but this is all so confusing. Thanks 

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