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Newly diagnosed daughter,confused father

NAS73588

Hi everyone

So I'm now the father to a recently diagnosed asd daughter,she's nearly 11. I've been somewhat estranged to her for many years and have within the past two years been back in contact but living nearly 150 miles away (with the pandemic haven't been able to visit as much as I'd like and she deserves but we talk on the phone alot).

Her mother has had nightmares trying to get her assessed for years but has finally gotten the answers and fingers crossed start of the help and support our daughter (and possibly her) needs. She's bright as a button but is developmentally behind socially and scholasticaly not up to the other kids her age but it isn't that side of it that's bothering me too much at the moment,she will get an EHCP and I hope that her needs will be better filled in that regard.

What I have read so far is that routine and familiarity will be good for her,and with me being so far away I'm worried that A I'm not going to be able to help her B I'm leaving too much on her mum and C my spotty relationship might even be a detriment to her. 

My immediate thought has been to quit my job and move close as I can to make up for lost time and help with her care but I feel I know so little about autism and even less about being a good parent. Can I be a healthy part of her life from far away? Is there anything I should know or do to help from this distance? Will I be able to forge a meaningful and supportive role for her? I feel like the answer is no,but if I leave where I live now I'd be in financial hardship within a few months. I don't have a good education and jobs don't pay enough for a single person with child support to pay. I know she'd love me around more and her mum would definitely appreciate the help but I don't think I could even afford a flat if I moved

If there is anyone who has faced a similar problem from either the parents side and point me in the direction to better understand the spectrum,better communication with her. Things I can do to help. Anything you want to say or even advice on what you think I should do would be a great help,I feel I've already let her down enough and I don't want to mess it up again. Thank you 

Parents

  • Hi - this will be a bit generic - but kids crave stability and routine - every unknown is like juggling another ball - it comes with it's own stress to worry about that needs resolving.     Add another unknown and you're multiplying the balls and the stress.

    If you can spend a lot of time building solid, stress-free foundations, it helps them juggle another ball.     For every ball you can remove by having a reliable, safe, repeatable solution, another can be added,.

    It can be little things like getting to school on time - she may want to be there 10 minutes early to be able to go through her stuff and prepare for the day - but a stress would be forgetting something - which can be solved by you saying that no matter what, you will drop the thing off - just taking away all the little worries and stresses to allow her to concentrate on the job in hand.

    If you can foresee an event that might be stressful, then you have time to pre-train her to remove the anxiety - make a mountain of stress into a little, manageable step for her..

Reply

  • Hi - this will be a bit generic - but kids crave stability and routine - every unknown is like juggling another ball - it comes with it's own stress to worry about that needs resolving.     Add another unknown and you're multiplying the balls and the stress.

    If you can spend a lot of time building solid, stress-free foundations, it helps them juggle another ball.     For every ball you can remove by having a reliable, safe, repeatable solution, another can be added,.

    It can be little things like getting to school on time - she may want to be there 10 minutes early to be able to go through her stuff and prepare for the day - but a stress would be forgetting something - which can be solved by you saying that no matter what, you will drop the thing off - just taking away all the little worries and stresses to allow her to concentrate on the job in hand.

    If you can foresee an event that might be stressful, then you have time to pre-train her to remove the anxiety - make a mountain of stress into a little, manageable step for her..

Children
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