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Helping my adult son get an assessment for Aspergers

Jane

I first realised that my sons unusual behaviours could be Aspergers several years ago, but up until now he would not agree to be assessed, despite agreeing that he has difficulties with many aspects of his life. He is 35, has recently become a father and is working long hours, which is very stressful for him. He has now approached his doctor to get an assessment and she has given him a form to fill in which includes a section for me to add my perspective. He forwarded the form to me (I live a long way away from him), and I have written my part. The problem I now have is that he wants me to return the form to him rather than directly to his doctor. When I told him that I had rung his doctors surgery to get help with where I should add my piece, he exploded and accused me of going behind his back and only calmed down when I assured him that I had not even mentioned his name. He is extremely sensitive to,and overreacts to anything he perceives as criticism and I am now very concerned that if I return the form to him he will misread or disagree with what I have written which could lead to him verbally attacking me (not unusual), editing it to what he feels is more accurate, or even deciding not to proceed with the assessment. I feel it would be better to send the form directly to his doctor but he is adamant that I must send it to him and if I didn't, he says he didn't need my help anyway.

He really needs to get this assessment and I want to do anything I can to help him, but being the target of his anger and frustrations is hurtful and exhausting.

Does anyone have any experience of this kind of situation and suggestions of what I can do?

Jane

Parents

  • I've not been in your shoes, but two conflicting things are important here to anyone's assessment.  1) It is your son's right to decide to involve you or not.  And it sounds like your perspective is different from his.  Whatever the truth of the situation, he'd have to agree.

    However, 2) it'll do the assessment process no good whatever if they only get half of your perspective or he changes what you've written.  

    Personally, I'd keep a photocopy but send the original to him.  Let him do as he will with it.  It is his choice.  I would hope the assessors would want to speak directly to you to confirm and elaborate on what you've written.  They aren't going to do that without his say-so, I would think, but if they do there's your opportunity to tell it like it is.  I'd let them know you know he's sensitive about what you'll say.  I wouldn't have thought they could ethically break your confidentiality on that one, any more than they would tell you what he said about you or anything else..

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  • I've not been in your shoes, but two conflicting things are important here to anyone's assessment.  1) It is your son's right to decide to involve you or not.  And it sounds like your perspective is different from his.  Whatever the truth of the situation, he'd have to agree.

    However, 2) it'll do the assessment process no good whatever if they only get half of your perspective or he changes what you've written.  

    Personally, I'd keep a photocopy but send the original to him.  Let him do as he will with it.  It is his choice.  I would hope the assessors would want to speak directly to you to confirm and elaborate on what you've written.  They aren't going to do that without his say-so, I would think, but if they do there's your opportunity to tell it like it is.  I'd let them know you know he's sensitive about what you'll say.  I wouldn't have thought they could ethically break your confidentiality on that one, any more than they would tell you what he said about you or anything else..

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