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Help! 8yo daughter (pre-diagnosis) with fixation/obsession of peers

NAS72877

Hi there, I am new to the community but have found looking at previous posts and discussions so helpful in trying to support our neurodiverse 8yo daughter whom we, school and the educational psychologist have strong suspicions has ASD.

She is academically very able but really struggles socially and finds understanding social norms, cues etc. and regulating her emotions challenging especially with female peers. We are currently on the seemingly never-ending(!) CAMHS waiting list for a Developmental Assessment. She has always been labelled bossy, a cry-baby etc. etc. by both peers nand teachers

Currently she has developed an unhealthy obsession/fixation with two female peers who don't share her current special interest (Harry Potter) and are not interested in playing with her, I understand from school that despite them trying to steer her away from them that she will not be moved on this, continually leaving the girls notes and harrassing them to play her game. This oten escalates into a row usually instigated by our daughter resulting in her becoming increasingly distressed and isolated. We have tried through social stories to explain that being a friend isn't someone saying "go away I don't want to play with you" and support her with other games and strategies she could suggest to other peers but she feels increasingly socially isolated but will not move on the fixation. At home we usually get an emotional download of how the pair have been horrid to her and yet when we try to suggest moving on she can't and says they are the only people she wants to be friends with.

School have not been very helpful and just ask us what we think they should do and are limited in the activities off the playground they are able to offer due to covid restrictions particularly as they are a single-form entry school.

Her self-esteem is so low and she feels she is destined to be 'alone' for the rest of her life.

I guess what I'm asking is does anyone have experience of this? Any suggestions for how we/school might support her?

Thanks you for reading and any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Parents

  • This is hard for any parent to go though! I can identify with that.

    Young human females labelled as 'bossy' are often young leaders in the making. As an adult, not taking "no" for an answer and having little to no fear of dealing with rejection or bulldozing your way into a company is actually admirable and rewarded - at least in certain places within our Capitalistic culture. Now, not recognising rejection is another thing. 

    As an adult, and someone with difficulty reading social cues, I find basic ethics are always the most rewarding to follow - how to be respectful, ways to express kindness, elements of affording others their moment or just dignity, allowing someone to say no. These are things that help other cheerfully overlook eccentricities.

    Of course, she's 8 and these can take years to learn, but as a parent, It sounds like a key element here is that regardless of everything else, and especially these issues with being alone, I'd want to help my child understand how to respect a peer's "No". Respecting boundaries is as important as expressing them. And the only way to teach children this is to give respect so they expect nothing less and give it forward and then help them know the difference between disrespect and discipline, so when they're older they can identify the difference between a boundary and abuse. It takes some maturing into the understanding we cannot control others and the more we push, the more we simply push them away from us & create our own isolation. Unless you're a magical villain and can manipulate others into a relationship, but that's just as lonely!

    I'm curious what she's attracted to in these other girls. Letting go of a set idea / vision / plan is really difficult. When it involves others, it takes some learning that we can control our plans or things or our reactions but not other people. Is it possible to spend time watching Harry Potter with her? Hermione and Luna are incredibly written characters. Luna loves spending time alone, mind she has imaginary beings to befriend. Hermione is so busy studying she's not bothered about friends but happens to have 2 solid mates. The male characters all have their positives and flaws as well. What comes to mind is how Malfoy uses Crabbe and Goyle as minions, a trio I doubt she'll want to mimic. There seem to be a good deal of lessons in these books/movies worth helping her see how friends should or shouldn't treat each other, how friendships are built or broken. How those who try to force loyalty end up alone. And how sometimes the most unexpected individuals can turn out to be our best ally. 

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Hello!

    Thank you for your insightful response, so helpful to read and also to not feel alone.

    Respecting boundaries is something we are trying to work on and I think your suggestion of framing relationship advice within the fascinating world of Harry Potter is a great one.

    JuniperFromGallifrey said:
    It takes some maturing into the understanding we cannot control others and the more we push, the more we simply push them away from us & create our own isolation.

    The comment above really struck a chord as she is not yet able to resocgnise that sometimes she creates her own isolation but as you say this will take time as she matures.

    School found the suggestion RE Harry Potter helpful as well and have created her a Harry Potter lunch time pack for the unstructured times at lunch that she finds challenging.

    We really apprecaite you taking the time to respond. Thank you Slight smile

Reply
  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Hello!

    Thank you for your insightful response, so helpful to read and also to not feel alone.

    Respecting boundaries is something we are trying to work on and I think your suggestion of framing relationship advice within the fascinating world of Harry Potter is a great one.

    JuniperFromGallifrey said:
    It takes some maturing into the understanding we cannot control others and the more we push, the more we simply push them away from us & create our own isolation.

    The comment above really struck a chord as she is not yet able to resocgnise that sometimes she creates her own isolation but as you say this will take time as she matures.

    School found the suggestion RE Harry Potter helpful as well and have created her a Harry Potter lunch time pack for the unstructured times at lunch that she finds challenging.

    We really apprecaite you taking the time to respond. Thank you Slight smile

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