First time Post. Desperate dad

As an autistic man who also had a stressful upbringing the first thing I can promise you is that she will never be normal or have a normal life ... that doesn’t have to be a bad thing though. Beyond normal is extraordinary.

I shouldn’t worry about her living in squalor. A) most NT teenagers go to university live in squalor for 3 years and turn out fine. B) she’s in a very stressed phase of her life right now dealing with lots of schoolwork and lots of personal challenges at the same time. Energy to clean is in short supply. C) there is a kind of creative mess many autistic people indulge in. Out of sight is out of mind, as an antidote to absent mindedness any job that needs to be done or any work in progress gets left out to remind you to do it, it’s an effective if cluttered system.

I shouldn’t worry about her cooking her own food either. Her kitchen will contain only food and ingredients for food she wants to eat. Which will make its smell more pleasant. Anyway it takes very little effort to bung a ready meal in the oven or microwave. Spending 30-60 minutes hovering over a saucepan is gods way of telling you you have too much free time and not enough imagination in your life, I don’t know many young busy working / studying people who do that with any regularity.

As for your daughters secrecy. I’m sure you remember that age yourself. Would you have wanted your parents to know what you were talking about on the bus home? Did you close the door or check behind you when you phoned your friends on the land line? Would you have wanted them knowing about the notes or magazines you passed around or what happened behind the school bike shed? Well nor does she. It just so happens her life is online though.

That’s not surprising. She’s autistic she’s going to find it easier to make friends with people who share her interests and who are open minded. The Internet is a very wide pool of people and it’s easier to find your crowed there.

You won’t pry her from the Internet. We’re at a stage now where computer literacy is as important educationally as English literacy. You know my parents used to physically pull books out of my hands at the bookstore if they didn’t approve of them. But at the library they couldn’t keep track of what I was reading. It was just too big. Think of the Internet as the biggest library in the world. It’s an invaluable resource you can’t afford to deprive them of, but at the same time there’s very little you can do to stop them sneaking the karma sutra off the shelves when you’re not looking.

As for your arguments, to an extent I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t exaggerate her outrage from time to time as a way to shut down awkward conversations. On the other hand I’m wondering if being ‘fragile and delicate’ in your eyes hasn’t left her feeling very over protected. Maybe from her perspective your little talks always end with her world becoming more restricted.

Maybe I’m being unfair to you, but I imagine a lot of your conversations starting with A) this is a thing we think is a problem, B) this is why we think it’s a problem, C) this is what we propose to do about it. That’s really a recipe for an argument not a discussion.

Maybe if you are so concerned about how fixated she is on her online life you should first address how she might gain more options and independence in her social life offline. Because she not going to make friends at school I suspect and if you can’t find any places outside of school where she can online is all that is left.

As an autistic man who also had a stressful upbringing the first thing I can promise you is that she will never be normal or have a normal life ... that doesn’t have to be a bad thing though. Beyond normal is extraordinary.

I shouldn’t worry about her living in squalor. A) most NT teenagers go to university live in squalor for 3 years and turn out fine. B) she’s in a very stressed phase of her life right now dealing with lots of schoolwork and lots of personal challenges at the same time. Energy to clean is in short supply. C) there is a kind of creative mess many autistic people indulge in. Out of sight is out of mind, as an antidote to absent mindedness any job that needs to be done or any work in progress gets left out to remind you to do it, it’s an effective if cluttered system.

I shouldn’t worry about her cooking her own food either. Her kitchen will contain only food and ingredients for food she wants to eat. Which will make its smell more pleasant. Anyway it takes very little effort to bung a ready meal in the oven or microwave. Spending 30-60 minutes hovering over a saucepan is gods way of telling you you have too much free time and not enough imagination in your life, I don’t know many young busy working / studying people who do that with any regularity.

As for your daughters secrecy. I’m sure you remember that age yourself. Would you have wanted your parents to know what you were talking about on the bus home? Did you close the door or check behind you when you phoned your friends on the land line? Would you have wanted them knowing about the notes or magazines you passed around or what happened behind the school bike shed? Well nor does she. It just so happens her life is online though.

That’s not surprising. She’s autistic she’s going to find it easier to make friends with people who share her interests and who are open minded. The Internet is a very wide pool of people and it’s easier to find your crowed there.

You won’t pry her from the Internet. We’re at a stage now where computer literacy is as important educationally as English literacy. You know my parents used to physically pull books out of my hands at the bookstore if they didn’t approve of them. But at the library they couldn’t keep track of what I was reading. It was just too big. Think of the Internet as the biggest library in the world. It’s an invaluable resource you can’t afford to deprive them of, but at the same time there’s very little you can do to stop them sneaking the karma sutra off the shelves when you’re not looking.

As for your arguments, to an extent I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t exaggerate her outrage from time to time as a way to shut down awkward conversations. On the other hand I’m wondering if being ‘fragile and delicate’ in your eyes hasn’t left her feeling very over protected. Maybe from her perspective your little talks always end with her world becoming more restricted.

Maybe I’m being unfair to you, but I imagine a lot of your conversations starting with A) this is a thing we think is a problem, B) this is why we think it’s a problem, C) this is what we propose to do about it. That’s really a recipe for an argument not a discussion.

Maybe if you are so concerned about how fixated she is on her online life you should first address how she might gain more options and independence in her social life offline. Because she not going to make friends at school I suspect and if you can’t find any places outside of school where she can online is all that is left.