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Feel unappreciated

NAS72535

Good evening all. 

My boyfriend who is 30.. has aspergers  he dont admit he has but he does as told by his mum..

Was diagnosed when at school. 

But I believe that this can be affecting our relationship. 

We love each other but I feel like I am unappreciated by him, unloved and he don't care. And when I go to try and tell him how I feel, I don't get a response or any emotions back.. which makes me feel even more down and harder to understand .

When we first met 4years ago he was all loving, lots of effort made etc but now its not like that..

I just need to try and understand that it is not his fault and this is who he is. 

Help? Thanks 

  • I'm married to someone who is definitely on the spectrum (something he has expressed in the past) but undiagnosed and he doesn't address it. What I thought would be tolerable (pedantry, obsession with clear surfaces) is getting worse. Long periods of sulks, arguments and tantrums including being sworn at at 5am "for the way I breathed" when I was barely awake. He also has issue with the way I eat and sneeze. He's decided we don't do Valentines suddenly after several years. In line with autism and fixations, they can just as easily lose interest and you become a chore they'd rather not deal with. The start is about the chase. It's not his fault, but it doesn't mean you have to settle for it.

    Apparently 80% of relationships where one has autism/aspergers end in divorce. I'm just starting to read up on this but you start questioning at what point do you lose yourself when you have a partner who just tells you you're in the wrong and impossible for anyone to live with?

  • It's hard to advise on this one. It may very well be that he loves you but doesn't understand why you feel unappreciated or even that you do feel unappreciated or what to do to make you feel appreciated.

    Personally, I might be slow on the uptake with other people's inner states, but I know it's a shortcoming but not for want of care for people. So, once they are talking, I'm listening and will respond to the need. Being verbally explicit about needs generally is all it takes for me. But if he's struggling to accept that he has ASD even, he won't be at the point of realising he needs to ask himself what's he's missed or consider how to fix it, even if you are telling him very precisely.

    ...Don't elude to anything btw. You really do have to spell out in clear language; 'I feel x, because of Y, but z would make me feel better'

    It might be a case of considering whether you want your relationship as it is, accepting he does love you but will rarely do the hearts and flowers stuff and won't always know what you feel, or whether you want to cut your losses because, sad as it is, he CAN'T meet your emotional need.

    Good luck with it