Hi, does anyone have any ideas/tips on how to help my 14 y.o daughter when she goes into a shutdown? She has them frequently in school so how can the school and teachers help especially after when she is exhausted?
She also can become aggressive and abusive before/after one in school so any ideas for that?
Thanks x
Hi, been through & still regularly go through the same with my almost 14yr old daughter. She has Asperger's. It's so difficult when they're not in our care to know what's causing the shutdowns & meltdowns. Secondary school is a horrible place, lessons changimg constantly, different teachers, the rooms smell, too bright, too noisy, bell going off every hour...its no wonder they struggle to manage well! With my daughter I found that she has had less shutdowns & meltdowns & practically zero aggressive behaviour since I spoke to each individual teacher & explained exactly what she needed to function & behave appropriately. The senco was all well & sounded good but nothing really got done until I took matters into my own hands & emailed all of her teachers to sort it out myself! She was excluded for the umpteenth time & they wanted to send her to a PRU but I put my foot down & fought for her to stay there & I'm glad I did because she is now doing much better. Her issues are mostly anxiety based but also sensory & that's where it gets difficult. Here's what we do:
She doesn't like entering a room if there are already people in the room & she hates being late so she now leaves each lesson 5 minutes early to make her way to the next lesson to miss the rush of the corridors & get to her next lesson in plenty of time.
She has an exit card where she can leave a lesson for 10 minutes if she feels overwhelmed.
She uses a coloured page in her planner to display on the table so the teacher can see she needs help & will go to her, rather than putting her hand up as she hates drawing attention to herself.
They inform her now before a change of seating plan so she can say whether she's comfortable with moving seats or having a particular person next to her. She usually chooses the same seat though & has the same seat in all classes. second row from front next to a window for the lessons she likes & is confident in or near the door in her least favourite lessons so she can slip out easily without too much disturbance should the need arise...most lessons it does sadly.
She leaves for lunch 10 minutes early so she doesn't have to deal with the canteen being packed as she struggles with lots of people.
She has a badge to exempt her from having to wear her jumper & blazer at the same time as she has sensory issues with touch & it was restricting her causing stress.
I always try to arrive early for school so she can settle & prepare herself, the days we have been late are the days that she has had major meltdowns & ended up excluded.
Zero stress before school is massive for us. We always make sure that everything is ready to go the night before. Uniform is laid out, bag gets packed, snacks are packed, shoes laid out, breakfast laid out & clear instructions as any kind of upset even if it may seem trivial (like not having the weetabix in the cupboard when she has planned on having weetabix!) has a detrimental effect on her ability to manage well later in the day. If anything bad happens in the morning the whole day will be bad. We have a no noise, no technology, no stress policy in the house in the mornings!
She also uses Bach rescue remedy pastilles & they seem to really help. Whether or not it's a placebo effect or they actually work I have no idea but they do seem to help.
I also find it helps to go through with her each morning what lessons she has & check she knows where she's going, what she's doing, what she plans to do if she needs to leave.
She also leaves school 5 minutes early to avoid the rush & people...she's not a very people person!
I don't know if any of that will help but you may take something from it, you may already be doing all this yourself in which case I don't really have anything else I can offer! Hope your daughter finds a better way to manage her stress & anxieties
Thanks, that's really helpful. My daughter is in a PRU after being excluded many times due to sensory and anxiety issues which they couldn't control as she kept having meltdowns and shutdowns. Mainstream schools weren't working well. I put my foot down because I didn't want her to go to a PRU.
We do some things that you mentioned: having her own cereal box (which is hidden from everyone) which only she will eat and every week I buy it for her. But the mornings are the hardest for her as we have a 7 y.o boy and a 13 y.o daughter as well. Her brother is extremely loud and noisy and is super hyperactive 24/7. Her sister is always stressing that she will be late and things aren't working and become aggressive. So mornings are a challenge for everyone but for my 14 y.o, it's harder because the simple things stress her out especially being rushed and the noise. Then she goes into school and stresses even more and doesn't know what to do or can't process anything.
She used to take rescue remedies and CBD oil which helped with anxiety but then she stopped taking it. We will use your ideas because they are amazing and see if they will work for her but hopefully she will be able to control and manage her emotions.
I feel that with the younger loud sibling issue. My daughter 5 likely ASD but undiagnosed at present causes a lot of the stress in the mornings due to being too loud & bouncy! My 13yr old will get up before her to avoid the noise & the busyness. I also try to keep them all in separate rooms until it's time to leave so they can't all start the other one off. My 5yr old has a separate eating area as breakfast is an issue so I make sure they don't eat at the same time. It just means I have to be super organized & get up early which aren't 2 of my best qualities! My daughter also finds earphones at home to block out the noise helps, I tried to get her to use earplugs at school but she's worried she'll get bullied for it but reducing all the other stresses & trying to make things as smooth & predictable as possible really helps her to manage the overstimulation from the noise. One thing at a time we're realising what her triggers are but it hasn't been an easy process at all. Mainstream is really difficult & although they have to have an inclusion policy sadly that often means that yes they'll accept them at mainstream but the kids are treated the same as all the others which is the wrong way around. Unfortunately my daughter is very matter of fact & comes off rude & like she doesn't give a hoot what the teachers are saying to her, this has got her in isolation a fair few times. I asked them to give her extra time to process things which they now do & she hasn't been isolated or excluded for a while. They now pre warn her of assesments, seating changes, teacher changes, basically anything there's a change just so she can process it will be different & that has helped a lot too. The days she struggles are when a teacher is off & they have a supply...that will almost always result in her being out of circulation for the day. Sometimes she will ring me on break & say what's happening & that she is struggling to cope so I'll go & get her & bring her home...she'll tell them she's dizzy & feels like she's going to pass out & they let her go. Naughty I know but I'll do whatever it takes for her to be happy at school & if that means the odd day off here & there when her anxiety is too high then so be it. I know that's not necessarily the best way to deal with it but it means she gets a day to reset.
Was it you on the other post that said about the weird staring episodes? Too lazy to look for the post haha
Was it you on the other post that said about the weird staring episodes? Too lazy to look for the post haha
Yes it was. I'm not sure what's happening. You sound like a great parent to her. Teachers (especially her senco) is trying to give her a warning in advance if there are any changes but sometimes they don't because they didn't realize or know a teacher was going to be ill or whatever and that will cause a massive meltdown and then she can't get her head straight and will be overwhelmed for the rest of the day. There was a time where it was really sunny and windy and she her senses were overloaded and she left school 20 mins before she finished (which was at lunch) but luckily I was shopping across the road, so I came for her and she was in tears and so overloaded so I comforted her and let her reset.Regarding to my 5 y.o son, he gets up really early (usually 6 ish) so he has breakfast and sits on technology until the girls get up and get ready, then when he gets changed, they have breakfast. After a bad day at school, she will just come home exhausted and stay in her room.
Was it you on the other post that said about the weird staring episodes? Too lazy to look for the post haha
Yes it was. I'm not sure what's happening. You sound like a great parent to her. Teachers (especially her senco) is trying to give her a warning in advance if there are any changes but sometimes they don't because they didn't realize or know a teacher was going to be ill or whatever and that will cause a massive meltdown and then she can't get her head straight and will be overwhelmed for the rest of the day. There was a time where it was really sunny and windy and she her senses were overloaded and she left school 20 mins before she finished (which was at lunch) but luckily I was shopping across the road, so I came for her and she was in tears and so overloaded so I comforted her and let her reset.Regarding to my 5 y.o son, he gets up really early (usually 6 ish) so he has breakfast and sits on technology until the girls get up and get ready, then when he gets changed, they have breakfast. After a bad day at school, she will just come home exhausted and stay in her room.
