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my 4 year old Daughter, going to school and other stories

Papa Simpson

living with an Autistic Child of 4 years old

My daughter is very high functioning, recently started our local state reception and primary school and up until very recently was coping very well with her transition from full time nursery care into full time school time.

The morning shift is mine as my wife is a teacher 8 miles away and has to deliver our two year old son to nursery. She often has problems getting up in the morning, this we have gotten used to and we have structure and strategies in place. The current episode that seems to be getting worse is when I deliver her to school.

My wife and i have been delivering her to the school’s Breakfast Club, allowing me to get into work before 09:30, the daily freezing on the spot outside the school is getting worse and no matter how much effort on my part, I just cannot get her to run into school as she used to do last term. Also, when I eventually convince her that getting into school will be quieter and warmer than standing outside crying and staring at the ground with her hand on her mouth, she freezes and instantly bursts into tears with the slightest of irregularity - this morning it was the staff member at the Breakfast Club pouring her cereal and asking her if she would like some toast. It is progressively getting more and more difficult to make the morning transition.

It is equally getting more and more difficult for both my wife and I to have a calm conversation about our daughter’s morning routine of extreme happiness and sorrow.

It upsets me and starts each day with my own frustration, anger and often just wanting to find a quite corner and have a good cry.

I feel that I am very often unable to express my own feelings and lack of coping skills and knowing that my wife is able to deal with other family’s autistic children, it doesn’t make it any easier when it is your own child.

For many months now it has been compounded by the lack of support we recive from our immediate families, they are collectively in denial as our daughter has no tangible problems or inabilities, they see her as a normal 4 year old, naughty and often testing her boundaries, but they have never witnessed her have one of her days where she so far over the rainbow, it takes her a good couple of days to calm down.

Eating is also a major challenge for our daughter. We have worked very hard with her to find the foods she likes and enjoys eating without any coercion or reward system. We understand that this is often a challenge for our daughter and work closely with her on this. However, the weeks since returning to a day to day pattern of events in January after the school holidays, she has been eating less and less each day. This is now effecting her stamina and abilities to get through the day. She was sent home early last week as she had been found asleep in the play ground at lunchtime.

I am working hard to have her school communicate with me, as yet it is proving too much of an issue for them to just tell my wife and I that she has not eaten anything at lunch time (she takes sandwiches in as she was not eating anything on the vast menu the school offers).

I feel that this morning’s catastrophic melt down and tears was the breaking point for me, my wife was rather unhelpful and my work load is getting larger as I am worrying about if I am going to get another call that our daughter has been inconsolable and has had to spend the afternoon in another classroom as she was “disruptive” and “very emotional”.

I also feel that I cannot get my point across very well, often due to my of frustration and seeing many of our daughter’s traits and characterful highs and lows in my own childhood and adolescence. 

I would be happy to receive any coping strategies you find successful, particularly when delivering your child to school in the morning and how you leave this child to go to work.

Thank you in advance,


Parents

  • Have you made an appointment with the school SECNO?  If not, I would.  I would tell them everything you have said here.  Write down what you want to say if it will help.  You may find that sometimes class teachers are not experianced with ASD children and are unaware of the stresses that come with it; however SENCO's should know better.  I think in your case a home/school diary would solve a lot of problems.  It is a book you can write notes to the teacher and the teacher can write back.  It would be used by the teacher or a TA daily.

    I also am assuming that you have a diagnosis.  If so, contact whichever agency you got it from and tell them the problems you are having.  They may be able to offer support or advice.

    You could also go to your GP as ASD is a medical diagnosis.

    If there is an NAS chapter near you, they likely hae coffee mornings.  Obviously this would require you to take a morning off work, but the support you can get form other parents who are in your situation can be a life line.

    It is hard being a parent of a child with ASD, even when they are high functioning, and actually expecially when they are high funcitoning.  When they are low funcitoning people understand they have a disability.  When they are cognitivly able a lot of people seem unable to understand that just because they are smart doesn't mean they do not have difficulties.  Many teachers, unfortunatly, seem to have this problem and they can put a child's lack of knowledge of social rules as rudeness or misbehaviour.  However, in my experiance, many of them (NOT all) are willing to learn more if you provide them with the information in a non-blame way.  If the school is not meeting your child's needs it is not out of malice but out of a lack of understanding which if you work with the SENCO and class teacher, can help the situation (in some cases).

    Your daughter's issues at her school are NOT her fault.  They are due to her needs not being met.  You need to find out what plans the school has to help her not be so emotional at school.  To try to identify the triggers, and if needed to get her a dedicated TA or refferals as necessary so that she can function and learn in school.  If nothing else works, then you may need to find another school that is more ASD friendly.  And yes they do exist.  My child went from one that wasn't to one that was.  When looking for the one that was, in seeing what had gone wrong, it made us realize what to look for in a school that would suit them.

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  • Have you made an appointment with the school SECNO?  If not, I would.  I would tell them everything you have said here.  Write down what you want to say if it will help.  You may find that sometimes class teachers are not experianced with ASD children and are unaware of the stresses that come with it; however SENCO's should know better.  I think in your case a home/school diary would solve a lot of problems.  It is a book you can write notes to the teacher and the teacher can write back.  It would be used by the teacher or a TA daily.

    I also am assuming that you have a diagnosis.  If so, contact whichever agency you got it from and tell them the problems you are having.  They may be able to offer support or advice.

    You could also go to your GP as ASD is a medical diagnosis.

    If there is an NAS chapter near you, they likely hae coffee mornings.  Obviously this would require you to take a morning off work, but the support you can get form other parents who are in your situation can be a life line.

    It is hard being a parent of a child with ASD, even when they are high functioning, and actually expecially when they are high funcitoning.  When they are low funcitoning people understand they have a disability.  When they are cognitivly able a lot of people seem unable to understand that just because they are smart doesn't mean they do not have difficulties.  Many teachers, unfortunatly, seem to have this problem and they can put a child's lack of knowledge of social rules as rudeness or misbehaviour.  However, in my experiance, many of them (NOT all) are willing to learn more if you provide them with the information in a non-blame way.  If the school is not meeting your child's needs it is not out of malice but out of a lack of understanding which if you work with the SENCO and class teacher, can help the situation (in some cases).

    Your daughter's issues at her school are NOT her fault.  They are due to her needs not being met.  You need to find out what plans the school has to help her not be so emotional at school.  To try to identify the triggers, and if needed to get her a dedicated TA or refferals as necessary so that she can function and learn in school.  If nothing else works, then you may need to find another school that is more ASD friendly.  And yes they do exist.  My child went from one that wasn't to one that was.  When looking for the one that was, in seeing what had gone wrong, it made us realize what to look for in a school that would suit them.

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