Advice on choosing a uni

Well we have had a pretty toroid time with our eldest son with ASD (he is worse than me (As i coped OK at University).

He managed to get 11 A* and got into Durham, as they did the course he wanted to do. We live on the South coast and so Durham is a 5hr train journey or an 1.5hr by Metro & Plane.

Luckily, my wife's sister works at York University accommodation office and so was able to get our son in a quiet room opposite the cathedral.

His first experience of Durham, was when he arrived to take his room, and to say "rabbit in headlights" was an understatement !!

The University knew about his ASD and said that they would provide a "Mentor" - at the same time our son had to apply for a disability grant for his ASD (about £2K) that the University takes to fund the mentor.

However, things didn't go well (totally unknown to us!!!) - Firstly, our son was OK on the academic side but the social aspect was causing so much stress that every morning he suffered IBS and as a result missed a lot of morning lectures.

The he got the Flu and this only came to light when the cleaner found him in bed and eventually the University contacted us. This caused a number of stressful days for my wife, as she wasn't able to help. During this same (around the middle of the first term), the mentor tried to make contact but as our son was very ill, wasn't able to answer the door and the mentor never followed up!!!

At the end of the year, our son managed to take a resit and pass and we sent a rocket up Durham University for being totally useless!.

We also found out that our son's GP had stopped his Sertraline, just before he went to Durham, without any alternative - no wonder he got so stressed.

He had to arrange a house for the second year, but basically with a stranger from his course (and two others from another course) - he never made any friends

He went back to Durham for the second year, to this house and by November had been signed off with stress/anxiety and was back at home - his course suspended. Luckily, our son managed to off load the room onto someone else.

Our son was a mental wreck until the new year and my wife got him a job at a local store. At the same time we got him weekly private counselling, arranged through the local Autistic services.

He was able to re-start the second year and we found him a quiet room in a private halls of residence. On his first night back, he was on the phone to my wife in tears, saying it was too noisy and wanted to come home. My wife refused and read him the riot act and he stayed on. He was OK after that but because of Covid all students were sent home March 2020.

He hasn't returned, even though we have had to pay for 51 weeks contract for the halls of residence. 

He passed his second year with a 1st and is now going through the final year of the degree, with the option of carrying onto do a Masters degree.

When our son re-started the second year, the University got their act together and he now speaks to a Mentor once a week and studies are going OK.

At some point he may well have to go back but says he doesn't want to go back to the private halls of residence NOR does he want to go back to a Durham University halls of residence (for the 4th and final masters year).

So, he has to decide where he is going to live for his masters, starting October 2021. He has the option of doing a Masters at another University.

When he had problems after the first year, we offered our son to restart an degree at a closer University but he refused.

Hopefully, in your case things will be better but our experience shows how things can go wrong and our son doesn't share anything.

Our take on this.

It was mistake going to a University that wasn't commutable from home.

The GP shouldn't have stopped his medication without offering an alternative.

We should have made sure that the University provide contact details of the Mentor.

We should have insisted that the University provide plans on how they would assist our son, again with contact details

We made sure that certain emails do do with our son's ADS were also copied to us.

The accommodation is still a problem that we have to solve.

The bottom line is that our son having ADS is considered a vulnerable adult and as such the University has a duty of care to him.

Just just don't their word for it, make sure that you are prepared. It just shows that even a top University can fail to provide the necessary support.

Hopefully, you and your daughter will be better prepared than we were??

Best of luck :)

Well we have had a pretty toroid time with our eldest son with ASD (he is worse than me (As i coped OK at University).

He managed to get 11 A* and got into Durham, as they did the course he wanted to do. We live on the South coast and so Durham is a 5hr train journey or an 1.5hr by Metro & Plane.

Luckily, my wife's sister works at York University accommodation office and so was able to get our son in a quiet room opposite the cathedral.

His first experience of Durham, was when he arrived to take his room, and to say "rabbit in headlights" was an understatement !!

The University knew about his ASD and said that they would provide a "Mentor" - at the same time our son had to apply for a disability grant for his ASD (about £2K) that the University takes to fund the mentor.

However, things didn't go well (totally unknown to us!!!) - Firstly, our son was OK on the academic side but the social aspect was causing so much stress that every morning he suffered IBS and as a result missed a lot of morning lectures.

The he got the Flu and this only came to light when the cleaner found him in bed and eventually the University contacted us. This caused a number of stressful days for my wife, as she wasn't able to help. During this same (around the middle of the first term), the mentor tried to make contact but as our son was very ill, wasn't able to answer the door and the mentor never followed up!!!

At the end of the year, our son managed to take a resit and pass and we sent a rocket up Durham University for being totally useless!.

We also found out that our son's GP had stopped his Sertraline, just before he went to Durham, without any alternative - no wonder he got so stressed.

He had to arrange a house for the second year, but basically with a stranger from his course (and two others from another course) - he never made any friends

He went back to Durham for the second year, to this house and by November had been signed off with stress/anxiety and was back at home - his course suspended. Luckily, our son managed to off load the room onto someone else.

Our son was a mental wreck until the new year and my wife got him a job at a local store. At the same time we got him weekly private counselling, arranged through the local Autistic services.

He was able to re-start the second year and we found him a quiet room in a private halls of residence. On his first night back, he was on the phone to my wife in tears, saying it was too noisy and wanted to come home. My wife refused and read him the riot act and he stayed on. He was OK after that but because of Covid all students were sent home March 2020.

He hasn't returned, even though we have had to pay for 51 weeks contract for the halls of residence. 

He passed his second year with a 1st and is now going through the final year of the degree, with the option of carrying onto do a Masters degree.

When our son re-started the second year, the University got their act together and he now speaks to a Mentor once a week and studies are going OK.

At some point he may well have to go back but says he doesn't want to go back to the private halls of residence NOR does he want to go back to a Durham University halls of residence (for the 4th and final masters year).

So, he has to decide where he is going to live for his masters, starting October 2021. He has the option of doing a Masters at another University.

When he had problems after the first year, we offered our son to restart an degree at a closer University but he refused.

Hopefully, in your case things will be better but our experience shows how things can go wrong and our son doesn't share anything.

Our take on this.

It was mistake going to a University that wasn't commutable from home.

The GP shouldn't have stopped his medication without offering an alternative.

We should have made sure that the University provide contact details of the Mentor.

We should have insisted that the University provide plans on how they would assist our son, again with contact details

We made sure that certain emails do do with our son's ADS were also copied to us.

The accommodation is still a problem that we have to solve.

The bottom line is that our son having ADS is considered a vulnerable adult and as such the University has a duty of care to him.

Just just don't their word for it, make sure that you are prepared. It just shows that even a top University can fail to provide the necessary support.

Hopefully, you and your daughter will be better prepared than we were??

Best of luck :)

JohnS Thank you so much for this, you have articulated all of my concerns around what may go wrong. Especially the promise lots and deliver little aspects of the university support services, and then not knowing what is going on - with my daughter we have this with friendship issues and it is only at the point of total disaster that we get to hear about it when something could have been done to resolve the issue if only she had said something sooner.

Your learning points are really valuable and I will make sure my husband reads them and we bear it in mind. It seems like it is such a balance of enabling them to be adult and make their own decisions whilst trying to protect and be involved so it (hopefully) works for the best.

Very interesting and detailed account. I think the lesson to be learnt is that we should carefully choose the best fitting university for the student.

By best fitting I mean not just the best ranking, but look at distance from home, support available etc.