Published on 12, July, 2020
My daughter K is 24 and has Aspergers abs severe anxiety. 4 months ago she got talking to a guy online who I will call S, within 2 weeks she had met him and within 4 she was going to his house 150 miles away from me. She had told him about her issues and he seemed fine about it. On Oct 26 she went to stay with him “for a month” she seemed happy there, she would call me most days and tell me they were talking about moving in together, I felt it was too soon but she wouldn’t be told. She stayed with him for Xmas and New Year. two weeks ago again, he was talking to her about her moving her things up there to live with him. On 15 Jan they went out, as they always did, laughing and went home and, as always he slept with her (not forced, she consented) When they woke up last Saturday morning, he basically told her he didn’t want her anymore, and she was to come home. His excuse is ‘I changed my mind, people can do that’ What this fast? I had to drive up there and get her, goes without saying she was, and still is a complete mess.
She spent the first half of this week bombarding him, trying to “make it work” his response? “I don’t think the relationship can work, I don’t want to be friends but I want to stay in contact” I eventually told him to block her on everything and stay away from her, that took him a couple of days but he’s finally done it. She honestly thought he loved her, she was planning a life with him and then he does that. She’s not eating, she just sleeps and dozes, she only comes out of her room for a drink and to use the bathroom.
My question is, has he broken the law in anyway? From where I’m sitting he realised she was easy prey and vulnerable, he’s used her for what he wanted, and now he’s bored he’s dropped her like a hot potato.
Also any advice on how to deal with her? My husband also has Aspergers so they don’t really ‘get’ each other, so it’s all down to me. I literally have her on suicide watch, she is so bad. Any advice would be gratefully received, I’m on my own with this and I can’t bare to see her in so much pain
Thank you in advance
thanks Jarvis
What an awful situation. You've done the right thing in telling him to cease all contact. I think you'd struggle to get the police involved based on what you've put here as your daughter has capacity to consent to sex. He has behaved appallingly but not illegally. A harassment warning would not be deemed necessary either as he has stopped contacting her. And in fact she was contacting him more. So sounds like no offence there either.
Coercion is v difficult to evidence and nothing you've said suggests that this was going on?
Heartbreak is horrible but she's definitely better off in the long run!
(I used to be a police officer btw).
sadly i have come across this before and worse whereby the man would visit the girl in her flat when he wanted , had his way and pissed off leaving the girl in an emotional mess and that would repeat. The doors where locked and he would persuade her to open the doors and let him in. Her parents where going crazy. The police eventually got involved and a restraining order was used
So maybe get an exclusion/restraining order for him to stay away from your daughter so if he is even close the police can act,,otherwise he can be back in some form.
The police would have to be involved
read this
"they may be guilty of the criminal offence of coercive control"
taken from
rightsofwomen.org.uk/.../
I am no lawyer/solicitor
Several questions have to be asked, which could indicate whether any law has been broken.
Has she got the capability to know what she is doing? From what you say, it appears that she has.
Was he exercising some sort of coercive control over her? It doesn't appear as though he was, but with her vulnerable state he may have been. You perhaps may have seen some of the signs whether he may have been or not. Quite difficult to prove, especially as it appears she was free to leave at any time.
Was she forced into sleeping with him or was it fully consensual. Once again it appears as though it was consensual with no evidence she did it against her free will.
She is not the first person to have a broken heart or feel used, and the feeling of deflation that comes with a broken heart is due to withdrawal symptoms from substances that the body produces that give symptoms akin to drug withdrawal.
Sitting in, moping, is not the best way of dealing with the withdrawal symptoms. This simply increases depression and anxiety. It is easy to say snap out of it, much harder to do. A good cry often helps so tears must not be suppressed, it is the bodies way of dealing with it. And exercise and fresh air, enjoying beauty around can help the realisation that life is not so bad. The company of a pet can also help, cats and dogs have an uncanny knack of knowing when someone needs comfort.
Time eventually dispenses its own medicine. And hopefully a more appropriate and caring human friend is there somewhere for your daughter to share life's experiences with.
I’m not sure what answer I wanted to be honest, I think just wanted someone to be honest with me, which you have done and for that, I thank you x
No law has been broken - he is entirely entitled to end a relationship as is she - obviously he’ll have his views on what happened and your daughter will have her own and I’d hazard a guess they would be very different. Whilst I don’t want to call into account the integrity of your daughter, playing devils advocate here he could argue that he wasn’t aware she was autistic or that he was clear that the relationship was always casual or something like that.
I grant he didn’t go about it in a nice way but everything was consensual - as your daughter is not in need of 24/7 care - I.e she is of sound enough mind to make her own decisions, it has to be put down to bad choices I’m afraid. Whilst you could argue the vulnerability was exploited - proving that would be difficult and even if you could, it still comes back to consent. What’s more she moved in of her own free will etc - so it sounds like she just made a bad choice in a guy.
I think time will heal - all you can do is be there for her, but respect her space and don’t force anything. She’s had a hard knock and it’ll be tough for a little while but in time she’ll be ok I’d hope, my advice from an autistic viewpoint is just not to rush her.
I know that’s probably not the answer you’d hoped for, but I wanted to answer honestly rather than building up hope unfairly.