How to remain calm when autistic son is displaying challenging behaviour

Hi Ian82, how are you?

First of all, I can totally relate as I'm sure many parents can, regardless as to whether their child is on the spectrum or not.

You have a challenging moment, you shout at your child and then you spend the rest of the day feeling guilty and beating yourself up over the way you handled the situation.

First and foremost, I think what we as parents to children on the spectrum need to accept is that IT IS CHALLENGING!

Being autistic is challenging.

Being a parent to an autistic child is challenging.

Nothing is instinctive. Nothing comes naturally: For the autistic child or their parents.

Everything has to be taught.

The kind of parent we thought we were going to be, the ideas we had about how our children would be, have all been completely demolished by autism, and we have to effectively scrap everything that we thought we knew about being a parent, and learn how to be a parent to child with autism, from scratch.

It is hard.

Really, really hard.

And nobody has 'the answer'.  There is no 'one size fits all' for autism, because each child and their challenges are unique.

The only advice that I can possibly give you (which is probably not helpful at all, to be honest), is to take a breath.

If it is safe for you to do so and your son is not at risk of hurting himself, then walk away for just a few minutes.

Shut yourself in the bathroom.

Hide in the cupboard with your emergency chocolate stash.

Go into the back garden and scream if you have to.

Just take yourself out of the equation for 2 minutes and breathe.

Gather your thoughts, calm down, then go back and tackle the situation again.

I'm sorry if this hasn't been helpful, but I just want you to know that you are not alone in this.

I truly believe that we are all just trying to do the best we can with the little information and tools that we have been given, and that includes me, and it includes you.

Sorry if I've not been very helpful, but I know how defeated we can all feel at times and I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this.

Best Wishes

Hi Ian82, how are you?

First of all, I can totally relate as I'm sure many parents can, regardless as to whether their child is on the spectrum or not.

You have a challenging moment, you shout at your child and then you spend the rest of the day feeling guilty and beating yourself up over the way you handled the situation.

First and foremost, I think what we as parents to children on the spectrum need to accept is that IT IS CHALLENGING!

Being autistic is challenging.

Being a parent to an autistic child is challenging.

Nothing is instinctive. Nothing comes naturally: For the autistic child or their parents.

Everything has to be taught.

The kind of parent we thought we were going to be, the ideas we had about how our children would be, have all been completely demolished by autism, and we have to effectively scrap everything that we thought we knew about being a parent, and learn how to be a parent to child with autism, from scratch.

It is hard.

Really, really hard.

And nobody has 'the answer'.  There is no 'one size fits all' for autism, because each child and their challenges are unique.

The only advice that I can possibly give you (which is probably not helpful at all, to be honest), is to take a breath.

If it is safe for you to do so and your son is not at risk of hurting himself, then walk away for just a few minutes.

Shut yourself in the bathroom.

Hide in the cupboard with your emergency chocolate stash.

Go into the back garden and scream if you have to.

Just take yourself out of the equation for 2 minutes and breathe.

Gather your thoughts, calm down, then go back and tackle the situation again.

I'm sorry if this hasn't been helpful, but I just want you to know that you are not alone in this.

I truly believe that we are all just trying to do the best we can with the little information and tools that we have been given, and that includes me, and it includes you.

Sorry if I've not been very helpful, but I know how defeated we can all feel at times and I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this.

Best Wishes

Thank you. You have been more helpful than you think. 

I do need to try to look at the bigger picture on these occasions before my actions make things worse. Also, I do then spend a lot of time afterwards feeling guilty and telling myself that he doesn’t deserve to be shouted at or let himself get worked up as he cannot help it.

He has a much better relationship with his mom especially in those situations which is helpful but can make me feel worse about everything.