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How do I tell my daughter we think she may have autism?

NAS68735

My step daughter is 13. She came to live with us full time in February. She has a complex relationship with her birth mum. 
over the years we have always felt she has some additional needs. We have a 5 yr old with complex brain injury and are qualified youth workers so have a background broadly in this area. 
since moving in it’s more apparent that socially she is not quite ‘getting it’ eye contact is poor, she doesn’t understand sarcasm, doesn’t understand social cues or has little empathy. The list is actually quite long. She’s not struggling at school and has 2 good friends who she has very intense relationships with.

we have considered attachment disorder, various mental health conditions and ASD and acknowledge we need help as a family as her behaviours are having an impact on us all. 

HOWEVER.... she seems completely unaware there is a situation at play. How do we address this without shattering the little confidence or self esteem she has? Anyone have any sensible advice?

thank you for reading 

Parents

  • I remember with my lad, I simply sat him down and was open with him although he made it a bit easier as he was talking to me about a social situation he was struggling to understand at school and I am blessed to have always had a very close and open relationship with him.  I asked him how he felt about his interactions with his friends, and he admitted that he felt that he was always missing something regardless of the interactions, like his friends were always talking below him.  I gently guided it asking him how he felt in hyperthetical situations and slowly introduced the idea that just because he processes things differently, doesnt mean that there is anything wrong with him.  I knew with mine that if I just came out with my concerns, he would have lost the plot so I just gently guided him.

    Eventually, I got to the point where I said that everything he describes and feels confirms what I have always believed, and experienced within my own life and that I believe that the reason why he feels and reacts these ways is due to the way his brain processes information which others may struggle to understand.  I slowly threw the word in, and we spent some time together looking at a few books I had bought and we spoke about different aspects of it. 

    Kids are stronger and more resilient than we often feel they are.  I would approach it slowly, testing the waters as you go and readjusting the direction of the conversation on the fly and see how she handles it.  I was scared stiff of telling my lad, but he took it like a champ and felt so much better that he could not simply just say what is on his mind without feeling that he is different to everyone else in such a negative manner.

    I hope it goes well for you all

Reply

  • I remember with my lad, I simply sat him down and was open with him although he made it a bit easier as he was talking to me about a social situation he was struggling to understand at school and I am blessed to have always had a very close and open relationship with him.  I asked him how he felt about his interactions with his friends, and he admitted that he felt that he was always missing something regardless of the interactions, like his friends were always talking below him.  I gently guided it asking him how he felt in hyperthetical situations and slowly introduced the idea that just because he processes things differently, doesnt mean that there is anything wrong with him.  I knew with mine that if I just came out with my concerns, he would have lost the plot so I just gently guided him.

    Eventually, I got to the point where I said that everything he describes and feels confirms what I have always believed, and experienced within my own life and that I believe that the reason why he feels and reacts these ways is due to the way his brain processes information which others may struggle to understand.  I slowly threw the word in, and we spent some time together looking at a few books I had bought and we spoke about different aspects of it. 

    Kids are stronger and more resilient than we often feel they are.  I would approach it slowly, testing the waters as you go and readjusting the direction of the conversation on the fly and see how she handles it.  I was scared stiff of telling my lad, but he took it like a champ and felt so much better that he could not simply just say what is on his mind without feeling that he is different to everyone else in such a negative manner.

    I hope it goes well for you all

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