Hello all
I have restarted this paragraph about 6 times already as I am not sure of what I am saying or even asking. I am lucky to have a really great girlfriend who believes that I need to reach out and get some support surrounding my son and I think she may be right (but shh, dont tell her that 
) hence why I am now here - so hello everyone 
. I am blessed to have 2 amazing children, the eldest of which his mum and I have always suspected is on the autistic spectrum based on our own experiences with family members who are. I have diagnosed complex PTSD which sometimes is crippling for me resulting in my emotional resilience being quite weak at times. His mum and I are seperated and she is largely very judgemental and non supportive over my sons behaviour as she doesnt understand, or isnt willing to understand him. Hence, why it falls totally onto my shoulders.
My son is 14 years old, and ever since he was a baby, he displayed unusual behaviours which intially we just laughed over due largely to ignorance. As an example, he would often rock himself to sleep on all fours, something which I know that a lot of kids do, however he would be quite violent in it, often resulting in us putting a pillow alongside the bars of his cot to prevent himself constantly headbutting himself. We eventually got him a cot with fabric walls purely to prevent him from hurting himself. We would often joke, saying that he is getting a lot of practice in from a young age and will one day make someone very happy, however this escalated as he got older. He often struggles with social situations, he struggles to understand human emotions, and struggles to understand the necessity for effective communication when around others. He has a few friends at school, yet even this he struggles with, especially when someone tries to confide in him as good friends often do. He struggles with sudden changes, so if he is told that we are suddenly going out somewhere, he will normally just shut down and not really be able to respond to it. Over the years, I have learnt to just prepare him as much as I can, something this requires telling him weeks before something is going to happen, and then just keep reminding him gently daily until the event takes place. Spontaneity is something which I no longer have the pleasure of with him. He rocks constantly still, not on all fours, but he often rocks when just sitting down watching TV, he rocks at school (and suffers the consequences of it for doing so by his peers not understanding), and he rocks when he is just quietly sitting in his room and he has no idea he is doing it, and often jumps if I touch him when he is rocking so I just leave him to it now. His level of emotional understanding just bounces so much from one extreme to the other, often within literally seconds. Sometimes he identifies an emotional response which some adults would struggle to be able to identify, and then at other times, he becomes a little insecure 10 year old child, before bouncing back up again.
As he gets older, these issues become more pronounced. The doctor refused to get him formally assessed as they said that it wouldnt change anything having him labelled, and as the school stated that they did not feel that there was anything wrong with him, the doctor stated that if the school isnt supporting, then they would not refer. I still dont understand why the school has a higher authority than I do over the state of my child, however despite me fighting everyone, I still never got a decent answer. As he gets older though, and starts going through puberty, its becoming more and more difficult trying to establish whether his behaviours are now due to his, what I believe it autism on some level, him just simply being a stroppy teenager, or him just taking the proverbial using the fact that he recognises that he is different to his friends, something we have often discussed, and he understands that he is given leeway as a result of this.
My youngest suffers too - I spend so much time trying to support and look after his older brother, that I dont give him as much time as he deserves, and I feel guilty over that. He is always in the shadow of his older brother, and this was only something I recently noticed after my gf rightly pointed it out.
It makes it difficult trying to have a social life as he can come across as rude or aloof and whilst I guess I am used to him, others arent and it can be difficult trying to explain this to them without sounding like I am making excuses.
His mum pretty much does nothing and we are seperated and the boys move between both houses. My eldest however needs the routine and sticks by the arrangement religiously, yet for some other things, doesnt need the routine which is confusing. His mum is quite controlling as well and hasnt helped him mentally over the years with some very non constructive and judgemental comments so he chooses to spend as much time as he can with me as he feels safer with me.
So, I guess, I am struggling a bit with him. Struggling to raise him the best I can effectively alone which is becoming more difficult especially on days when my own demons rage inside my head as he gets older. I think I am just trying to reach out to see if its all in my head, if he is taking the proverbial, although other family members have clearly identified his issues, including my own parents, and just seeing if there is any advice or guidance from anyone else who is experiencing the same sort of thing?
Thank you everyone for just reading this.
