• Replies 5 replies
  • Subscribers 66 subscribers
  • Views 1308 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

The Older Generation

Heledhil

I'm finding it very difficult as I get older (retired now) and my son (43) a very late-diagnosed Asperger's, faces more and more problems.

He has some help and there seems at long last to be a slowly growing realisation as to how much his condition affects him.  But the future is bleak, especially with the looming cuts.

For me, on my own, it's a life of increasing isolation as I am both excluded by the organisation helping him (it's how they work!!) and I have tried to find a group I can get to (I'm disabled physically now) to share ways of coping, but there is nothing even reasonably local.

Still, I find as a mother I am still treated as THE problem - whether it's blame for the original condition, blame for his behaviourial traits, blame for anything he can't cope with, blame for not being the perfect mother .................  it's very hard to be constantly criticised and to have no-one else batting on your side.

I wish sometimes I could just start walking and never stop.

Are there any other older parents or carers who feel they are simply shoved to one side, but expected to shoulder all the problems that arise?

Parents

  • It sounds as though either your son's service providers have no autism training, or they are being extremely arrogant (maybe both). If you are a carer, perhaps a carers assessment would be a place to voice your concerns about communication? I also think you need some form of mediation, someone to try to allow both you and the organisation which is paid to support him, to air your concerns and try to create a more positive relationship. Also, your son is legally entitled to ask for a local council needs assessment at any time, and no-one has the right to stop him.

    But most importantly, do you know what your son wants? Does he want you there as his Mother, who he loves, or as his carer as well? If the former, he may feel you are finding it difficult to relinquish your habit of caring. But if he actually wants you to stay involved in the practical issues, any organisation claiming to be on his side has a duty to facilitate that, not exclude you. In either case, their rudeness and aggression to you is unprofessional. Has your son actually been threatened with losing his home if he wants your involvement, or is his anxiety more general? Maybe you and your son could talk about that in a neutral place.

    I think you need to talk to someone about your worries, both about your own involvement and isolation; and your son's independence to choose who is involved in his support - perhaps the NAS Helpline could help you find a local service.

    Do keep up this conversation, as you are not alone.

Reply

  • It sounds as though either your son's service providers have no autism training, or they are being extremely arrogant (maybe both). If you are a carer, perhaps a carers assessment would be a place to voice your concerns about communication? I also think you need some form of mediation, someone to try to allow both you and the organisation which is paid to support him, to air your concerns and try to create a more positive relationship. Also, your son is legally entitled to ask for a local council needs assessment at any time, and no-one has the right to stop him.

    But most importantly, do you know what your son wants? Does he want you there as his Mother, who he loves, or as his carer as well? If the former, he may feel you are finding it difficult to relinquish your habit of caring. But if he actually wants you to stay involved in the practical issues, any organisation claiming to be on his side has a duty to facilitate that, not exclude you. In either case, their rudeness and aggression to you is unprofessional. Has your son actually been threatened with losing his home if he wants your involvement, or is his anxiety more general? Maybe you and your son could talk about that in a neutral place.

    I think you need to talk to someone about your worries, both about your own involvement and isolation; and your son's independence to choose who is involved in his support - perhaps the NAS Helpline could help you find a local service.

    Do keep up this conversation, as you are not alone.

Children
No Data