Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
I've been with my partner for 18 months and have always been aware that he's on the spectrum. He really struggles and is going through a particularly difficult time. At this stage he is becoming extremely verbaly abusive to me but he has no support network and I don't feel like I can leave. My previous partner committed suicide after battling depression (resulting in verbal abuse towards me) and the whole situation is causing me extreme PTSD. My partner tells me that I don't have any problems and my life is perfect, because I don't striggle with a disability and have a secure job and home.
I really don't know what to do.
he's not correct, you are in an abusive relationship with him, so you do have a problem.
I understand you feel obliged to help him, but if that means you have to suffer, it's not a stable self-sustaining relationship. I read already the word narcissist in other responses. Emotional blackmail and aggression are not something you should allow. It drags you down and the longer you stay the more you'll mistake it for normal and you'll start to think that such relationships are your destiny. It's not fair, and you shouldn't allow it.
You have the right to end this relationship, and I would advise to do it before other foundations of your life get compromised.
My father committed suicide, This is a grim thing, but people do have responsability for their own lifes, it's something you have to accept.
Take good care of yourself, if you have family, I would advise you start talking with people about this situation, don't get isolated with him alone.
Hi
I've just joined this forum today as a partner of an Aspie. We've lived together for 2 years, we are in our 40s, we have no children. We met late in life & both value our space & peace & quiet. I have tons of hobbies, he doesn't have any, & his work has dried up.
He has turned into what I can only describe as a cold hearted robot. Very apathetic, not depressed. Doesn't understand day to day simple conversations. Emotionless. Numb. Callous.
Impossible to communicate with since march,gets the wrong end of the stick with every simple thing I say. Never understands. He blames me for every argument. He says I am always at fault, he is always correct (he is a bigot).
I am getting desperate to leave him to keep my sanity.
We have decided to rent a flat for me, to try to save the relationship. I can live there half the week or full time in accordance with how much space I need. And to avoid being around him.
I move in later today. I've got a feeling that once I move out, I will never move back in with him. He is going through a phase where he doesn't understand most of what I say. Or he hears me & goes against what I say. I am despairing, especially as he doesn't listen to me or comfort me when he's upset me. So I am continuously upset, frustrated & depressed.
He is making my life miserable, stressful, chaotic & I am questioning why I am with him. He knows he has Aspergers but thinks it has no impact on the relationship going down the toilet.
I will update when I've moved into the new place.
But it will definitely improve my mental health to get space, with fewer arguments & decide what to do going forward.
Maybe it's something you could do, it may strengthen your relationship. Most renters can move out after 6 months do you could do it for 6 months & review your relationship after that.
Hey :)
So sorry to hear what you're going through. Ofc things are difficult for him, but that doesn't excuse the way you're being treated. Not having his problems doesn't mean you're automatically an emotional punching bag. I know things must be difficult given your previous experience, but it's on him to get help and resolve this, not on you to take emotional hit after emotional hit until something gives. Remember, your previous and current partners' problems with depression/autism isn't your fault at all, so you don't need to make excuses as to why you have to take the blame. If he refuses any help and keeps blaming you, then this relationship is pretty much dysfunctional and you need to reconsider whether you can keep this up for the future ahead. Hopefully it doesn't come to that and that things improve x
My response to these sorts of questions always is 'your needs are not secondary to his'. Whilst I appreciate that your partner may be going through a difficult time, many people do, both those on the spectrum and those that are neurotypical, and do not resort to verbally abusing their partner.
Have you suggested that he seek professional help? In my view, I can understand tolerating a relationship that is less than ideal whilst a partner seeks help to address the problems that make it so. Indeed, at my worst, when I was struggling with my mental health, I know I certainly was not the perfect partner. However, if he is unwilling to accept help, then he is choosing to continue to make your life miserable indefinitely which is unforgivable in my opinion. Whilst it is admirable that you are concerned about how he will cope without you, he is an adult who, ultimately, is responsible for himself and your duty, first and foremost, should be to your own happiness.