Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi Everyone
We are currently going through the process of getting our son diagnosed with Aspergers. Today my son came home from school with numerous holes in his top. I asked him what they were from and he said he had pushed a pencil through his top. I asked why he did it and he said it’s because he was feeling ‘fiddly’ today. This isn’t the first time, he doesn’t show much care or respect for his possessions and will often break things, without really seeming to think about it. If we ask him to stop, his desire to destroy, pick, break thing overrides everything, even though he knows it’s wrong.
Firstly, is this quite a common trait? Secondly, does anyone have any advice to help him when he’s feeling ‘fiddly’ at school and also how we can help him reduce the destructive behaviour?
This is all very new to us and we feel we are on a real learning curve, so any tips or advice would be very much appreciated. TIA
Very common, yes, almost ubiquitous.
It's actually good for him, it's something to focus on. Stopping doing it might actually be bad for his school work as he won't be able to concentrate as well. All you can do is get him something else to fiddle with that it doesn't matter if he breaks it, like a dog with a chew toy! That generally does work. All kids (and adults) have different "tastes" in things to fiddle with, though, so you may need to experiment a bit to find something he likes mangling better than his shirt! At least he seems to understand why he does it, so it might not be too difficult to get him to fiddle with something else instead.
It's not totally alien to non-autistic people, actually - everybody knows how some people fiddle with things when they're nervous. You hear the expression, "I'm just doing it for something to do with my hands..." People with autism tend to be nervous, or at least distracted, a lot of the time, especially in a busy place like a school, because they notice every little thing so their attention is flitting all around the room, every time anything moves, and you can't study like that. Messing about with something gives you something to focus your attention on and keep it there, and then you can keep everything else steady.
People often never do grow out of that habit, and I remember a conversation on Aspie Village (a UK forum for adults with Asperger's) one time where somebody had found a site selling wooden beads, rings, and other oddities, and several people were discussing treating themselves to some nice things to fiddle with! :-)
It's probably not meant to be "destructive", it's just that if he's particularly agitated he fiddles with things so hard that he shreds them. It's easily done, and he's only little.
Don't worry, you'll get the hang of these things, so will he.