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HELP!

NAS67344

Hi All, I hope you are all staying safe and sane in these strange times.

I am a mother of three teenagers, 19,17,16, girl, girl, boy.

My eldest displays many of the symptoms of high functioning autism. She was diagnosed with Irlens syndrome and dyslexia in year 8. When she was tested again to confirm the need for extra time for GCSEs in year 10, the tester mentioned autism. When she told me, I asked if she wanted to investigate further but she declined not wanting to be labelled or restricted in any way. She forbids me to talk about it to her or her siblings. I have discussed with her father but she would not want to talk to him about it.

I think she has showed signs for years looking back but the teachers seemed to poo poo my concerns and blamed it on other things. She was very tearful as a small child especially when doing homework or something that challenged her. She is a compulsive liar, lying about things she is very obviously going to get caught out on. She is very violent and has the shortest tolerance I have ever known. The main focus of this violence is my other daughter as there seems to be a fierce competitiveness towards her and maybe some jealousy. 

This is now having a massive impact on our family life with the other two children asking when she is leaving home, me not booking days out, meals out or holidays. Her behaviour has recently ruined the trip of a lifetime to Japan. She seems to lack insight into her behaviour often blaming everyone else and focusing on something that wasn't actually said or done.

I guess what I am asking is: how can I get a diagnosis when she doesn't want to discuss it? Are there any negatives about being diagnosed ie restrictions in travel, jobs etc. Does anyone else have a young adult who has these violent outbursts? If so how do you manage them? How can I get the family on board if she won't let me discuss it?

She punched my other other daughter in the face last night during a perfectly reasonable conversation that tested her resolve. My husband ( her dad) lost the plot with her and she has left and gone to stay with my sister (whom she claims to hate but has secretly visited numerous times over the last six months!). I am at my wits end and of course, as the mother it all stops with me.

Thank you for reading this, I am grateful for any help or suggestions.

  • Being completely honest with you - as she is 19, getting a diagnosis is not something within your control as legally she is an adult and responsible for her own actions. As harsh as it may be, your other daughter should consider pushing charges against her sister. I know that sounds tough but if she is regularly physically assaulted it is not acceptable. The reality of the legal process may hit home on your older daughter and being blunt, if it results in a sentence, be it custodial or community, she will pretty much be forced into engaging with services. I know what I’m suggesting is tough, but a punch in the face today, what comes next? By allowing the behaviour to continue, you become part of the problem. If I or anyone else punched your younger daughter in the face, or attacked her several times, you’d call the police. It’s tough love - if she hasn’t learnt to control herself she needs a shock to the system. Keep in mind I’m saying this as someone on the spectrum myself. Sorry if my advice is a bit ‘extreme’ but I honestly don’t think anything else will work.

  • Hi there. As far as negatives go, the only real negative is peoples stigma towards autistic people. People think of us as "weird" but who cares about the opinions of fools anyway.
    There are certainly benefits to getting a diagnosis, she might find it much easier in employment as employers are legally required to make reasonable adjustments for a person suffering with autism. It also helps yourself to be diagnosed, for me personally, its made it much easier to look back on my past and recognise the reasons why I behaved in such ways was because I was autistic. 
    Of course being diagnosed doesnt have to have any impact whatsoever on your work life or personal life, you can always choose not to disclose it. 
    I am of the opinion that its better to know and understand, even if you dont tell anyone.

    It's always difficult to receive a diagnosis like this when youre an adult, particularly when the world is just opening up for you. 
    Everyone tries so hard to fit in and be normal, at this age nobody wants to be the odd one out.