Should I proceed with ASD assessment for my 3 year old?

Hi

i can only share my experience, every family is different. I have been in exactly your position and we elected at 3 to go with the process with the same trepidation you seem to have!
My son was diagnosed at 3.5, before that he got no help in nursery and was ignored as he didn’t cause anyone any bother. He also has selective mutism so he was literally causing no bother! Diagnosis opened the door for help for him and since then he has made so much progress and he is now having SALT input and about to start occupational therapy. he is the milder end of the spectrum but still had significant difficulties. 

On the flip side, my daughter was not diagnosed and has had no help in school until recently, she is nearly ten and now has a diagnosed anxiety disorder. The impact of not getting enough support on her mental health has been disastrous. We have just had verbal confirmation that she is ASD and awaiting reports. She also has adhd which again was not diagnosed formally until she was 8 and we paid privately as we were so desperate for help. As soon as she got the first diagnosis, the help started to come in. 
they say you don’t need a diagnosis to access help, but that hasn’t been our experience. 
You can also go through the process and if at the end you feel a formal diagnosis is not helpful to you, then you can ask them not to make it and to play ‘watch and wait’.  They should respect that and will provide you with a report saying there are ‘social communication difficulties’ but you have chosen to leave it a little longer to give him time to develop. After another 6 months you may feel strongly one way or another. 

Once your son is in school the waiting list for ASD assessment is generally very long. Up to 2 years in some areas. if you wait until crisis point to make that request you may find help isn’t available when you most need it. 
In pre school it is much shorter. Our son went through the whole process in 5 months. Diagnosis was helpful for us so we accepted it and he will enter school in September with a strong support plan already in place. 

a comment re your concern about telling him when he is older. Honestly I still remember the day I told my then 8 year old she had been diagnosed with adhd. I explained what it meant in the best language I could find. I thought she’d be upset but her face lit up and she said ‘so it’s not my fault that I keep forgetting things?!’ The impact on her self esteem of finding out that it isn’t her fault she finds things hard has been huge! She is so much happier now. She calls it her ‘squirrel brain’ and now she Mostly laughs if she gets something wrong instead of crying and getting distraught. So please don’t assume you are doing something bad for your son, it might actually be a really positive thing for him. 

the best bit of advice I can give, from a mum to a mum, is not to see it as a label, see it as a way of better understanding, and therefore being able to help and support your child. You only have to share a diagnosis if you want to, with those that need to know. 
He is exactly who he is meant to be, and if that means his brain is wired a bit differently, then it’s usually helpful to understand that. If it is autism, it isn’t going to go away. Also, if it’s not, then a formal assessment will be a weight off your mind and they can give you pointers that will help with the things he finds hard.

Also, in my experience of parenting two special kids (and one neurotypical) for nearly ten years now, you quickly forget to worry about other people’s opinions re labels etc and you just get used to doing what’s best for your kids, regardless of what others think. 

hope that helps you a bit, but you must always do what you think is best for your child. 

Hi

i can only share my experience, every family is different. I have been in exactly your position and we elected at 3 to go with the process with the same trepidation you seem to have!
My son was diagnosed at 3.5, before that he got no help in nursery and was ignored as he didn’t cause anyone any bother. He also has selective mutism so he was literally causing no bother! Diagnosis opened the door for help for him and since then he has made so much progress and he is now having SALT input and about to start occupational therapy. he is the milder end of the spectrum but still had significant difficulties. 

On the flip side, my daughter was not diagnosed and has had no help in school until recently, she is nearly ten and now has a diagnosed anxiety disorder. The impact of not getting enough support on her mental health has been disastrous. We have just had verbal confirmation that she is ASD and awaiting reports. She also has adhd which again was not diagnosed formally until she was 8 and we paid privately as we were so desperate for help. As soon as she got the first diagnosis, the help started to come in. 
they say you don’t need a diagnosis to access help, but that hasn’t been our experience. 
You can also go through the process and if at the end you feel a formal diagnosis is not helpful to you, then you can ask them not to make it and to play ‘watch and wait’.  They should respect that and will provide you with a report saying there are ‘social communication difficulties’ but you have chosen to leave it a little longer to give him time to develop. After another 6 months you may feel strongly one way or another. 

Once your son is in school the waiting list for ASD assessment is generally very long. Up to 2 years in some areas. if you wait until crisis point to make that request you may find help isn’t available when you most need it. 
In pre school it is much shorter. Our son went through the whole process in 5 months. Diagnosis was helpful for us so we accepted it and he will enter school in September with a strong support plan already in place. 

a comment re your concern about telling him when he is older. Honestly I still remember the day I told my then 8 year old she had been diagnosed with adhd. I explained what it meant in the best language I could find. I thought she’d be upset but her face lit up and she said ‘so it’s not my fault that I keep forgetting things?!’ The impact on her self esteem of finding out that it isn’t her fault she finds things hard has been huge! She is so much happier now. She calls it her ‘squirrel brain’ and now she Mostly laughs if she gets something wrong instead of crying and getting distraught. So please don’t assume you are doing something bad for your son, it might actually be a really positive thing for him. 

the best bit of advice I can give, from a mum to a mum, is not to see it as a label, see it as a way of better understanding, and therefore being able to help and support your child. You only have to share a diagnosis if you want to, with those that need to know. 
He is exactly who he is meant to be, and if that means his brain is wired a bit differently, then it’s usually helpful to understand that. If it is autism, it isn’t going to go away. Also, if it’s not, then a formal assessment will be a weight off your mind and they can give you pointers that will help with the things he finds hard.

Also, in my experience of parenting two special kids (and one neurotypical) for nearly ten years now, you quickly forget to worry about other people’s opinions re labels etc and you just get used to doing what’s best for your kids, regardless of what others think. 

hope that helps you a bit, but you must always do what you think is best for your child.