Hello everyone,
I was hoping to get some advice from parents and carers regarding my niece's current situation and needs. I am really at conflicted about how I can manage my 8 year old niece's increasing anxiety and the behaviours that come along with it at this time. Specifically, I believe that my niece is developing a progressively stronger, unhealthy attachment to my dog. I normally do not live with her, but I have been staying at my sisters home since March 20th when our family decided to try and isolate ourselves as much as possible. My sister, her neurotypical 10 year old daughter, and her autistic 8 year old daughter live apart from her ex-husband, so we thought that it we may all benefit from having 2 adults in the house, in case someone became sick or the kids needed more attention when they are stuck at home all day.
Since I have been at their house, my autistic niece began to have problems sleeping on time. Every night she would come downstairs with another "problem", such as her desk being messy. We knew that she may be out of sorts because her routine is so disrupted, so we tried to come up with solutions. Unfortunately, the next night the problem would become 2 problems, then 3 problems, and she went from sleeping by 8:30pm to going to sleep at 12:52am after coming down 10 times. She would slam doors and yell from the stairs, waking her older sister who began to suffer from sleep deprivation as well. Eventually, my sister was exhausted, and ended up losing her temper, angrily telling my 8 year old niece that she had to stay in her room and not come out. This worked, but the next night she would still have more problems. She began to come up to the loft where I am staying at 2:30am since she thought that I would not get mad like her mother, and I would tell her that we have to follow her mother's rules for bedtimes.
At the beginning of this week, niece asked me if she could sleep with my dog so that she can feel better. I myself sleep with my dog in the room on his bed since I have episodes of sleep paralysis, night terrors and occasional sleep walking. I developed a phobia of sleeping at 13 because of these episodes, and my parents put the family dog in my room at night. It helped, but I have never managed to get rid of this crutch to get a good night's sleep. My older sister, on the other hand, has never allowed her children to sleep with any pets in their rooms since she says that she wants them to sleep well on their own. Accordingly, she initially told my niece that she could not sleep with my dog in her room, and she can put herself to sleep like she has been doing for several years.
On Tuesday night, my sister was exhausted and agreed (after 3 trips down from her bedroom) that she could sleep with my dog if I agreed to it. My niece interpreted this as a solid "yes", so she was very upset when I first said that I didn't think it was a good idea to start this habit. I could tell that my sister was worn out, my older niece was being kept up, and finally said that the dog could help her get to sleep, but that I would come and take him to sleep in the loft with me around midnight when I was going to bed and she was already sleeping. The next night she begged to let him stay until 1 AM, and I told her that I would take the dog when I was going to bed, so it might be earlier than that. Tonight she was upset from visiting her father (my sister's ex-husband), since she wanted him to stay over. The only way we got her to stop crying was by letting my dog come into the room, and he immediately cuddled and tried to soothe her. She begged me to keep him in the room until 3 AM even though I tried to explain to her that I also needed the dog to be there because I have my own sleep problems. She became very agitated, so I just said that it was fine for tonight. When I went to take the dog around 3:30AM, she had been sitting up in her bed waiting for me, and asked if I could only take him away for 20 minutes, and then return the dog to her room again. At this point I said no, and that she needed to go back to her bed. At 5 AM she came up to the loft where we were sleeping, and woke me up to ask if she could play with the dog right then in the loft. I told her again that it was not time to play, but I had to explain for 42 minutes.
It is clear to me that my dog is becoming a fixation for her to soothe her general anxiety. During the day, she refused to let her older sister also play with the dog so that they were all playing together. She insisted that she wants to play with the dog alone. She also had a few moments where she kept saying that she hates her own cat and puppy (only 15 weeks old), and that she only likes my dog. She has also just randomly told me "I want Loki" (the dog) a couple of times during the day in the last few days. I have told both my sister and my niece that I think this attachment is getting worse, and that it will be a huge blow for her when I eventually leave to go back to our regular lives when the Covid 19 issue finally calms down. My sister has said that she thinks that returning to a regular routine after Covid 19 will reduce the stress and anxiety my niece is feeling such that she will feel better and will manage to adjust to losing the dog. I voiced my doubts about this since, again, I have gotten so used to sleeping with a dog in my room at night that I now have trouble sleeping without him.
I am at a loss as to what the best thing to do is. On one hand, my dog adores these kids, the kids love the dog, and I am grateful that they have such a great relationship. On the other hand, I think my niece is becoming fixated on the dog and is escalating very quickly. When the dog leaves, I am sure she will have a terrible time trying to get back to bed times with absolutely no dog, and I think the consequence will be her having an even more disrupted sleep routine than she has right now.
I would be extremely grateful for input on this. I am not a primary carer, and I am concerned that what may be a good approach to address this kind of issue in a neurotypical child could end up being counterproductive and even harmful for an autistic child. I can use all the insight I can get at this point!
- Mary