While others are struggling with isolation and desperate to get back to their normal routines – school, work, friends, hobbies – for me and my daughter there is some respite from the daily stresses of life. You see, my daughter is on the autism spectrum. Yes, we are scared, too. With type 1 diabetes, my daughter is vulnerable to Covid-19 and we have isolated ourselves to try and protect her from this devastating disease. And yet … what is her fear during this pandemic? It may be months before she returns, but it is school life that has her devastated and frightened.
The primary school staff have tried to help. They reassure me that things are not as bad as my daughter perceives them. But I don’t believe them, or at least their limited opportunity to witness everything that happens in the school day leaves me unconvinced. I’ve seen the little knocks to self confidence that she receives regularly. Very subtle, but there, nonetheless. The turn of the head in disinterest when she tries to talk to another child. The bumping her out of the way in the morning line up as they try to get close to their friends because they know she’ll never say anything. The turning of their back on her. The deep hurt and beating up she gives herself because she doesn’t get picked at gym. The giggles and whispering she feels in the classroom. She says she is nothing but a shadow. She tells me nobody likes her, worse: they wouldn’t care if she died in front of them. That is how she feels.
What does a parent do when they see their child crying and hating themselves most days? What is the answer? Years have been spent trying to make school manageable for her but the one thing I cannot do as a parent is change how other children behave towards her. This is my heartbreak and frustration. So you see, this time away from school life is respite indeed. My fear, however, is how she copes when she has to go back after having spent months away. For the first time I am seriously considering home schooling. But here is the conundrum; do I remove her from school and risk her feeling more isolated or let the emotional damage continue? Educational damage or emotional damage; not much of a choice.
What I guess I really want to happen is kindness. We are all different and yet we are all the same – we are all just trying to survive and feel loved, valuable. When this battle against a virus that does not discriminate is nearing its end, will we be less discriminating towards each other? That is the never ending fight, and we must never give up.
