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Line between autism vs. teenage behaviour

Scrabble

I have a 15 year old daughter who is refusing to visit me in the house I have moved into with my new partner earlier this year (my 11 year old son continues to visit). She has autism but attends a mainstream secondary school. She refuses to visit because she says she cannot cope with my partner and her 9 year old son due to her autism. My partners son is on the spectrum but not diagnosed. He can be noisy and is a unique character but has done nothing to or against her - she is upset with his character/behaviours (stimming) rather than anything specific he has done

If she was more severely autistic, then I would never expect her to visit (if she was struggling with it) as she literally would not be able to cope, it would not be fair. If she had no autism, then a 7 year old being annoying or noisy would not IMO be reasons for not visiting.

It is this balance between autistic needs and teenager wants I am struggling with. My daughters mother (who I have a strained relationship with) insists these are genuine autistic needs that I should respect and arrange my life and plans around (separate weekend visits and separate birthdays/Christmas without my partner+son around).

My feeling is that my daughter is struggling with the change as teenagers can do - her response is magnified by her autism but that the things she struggles with are solvable, that we can develop coping mechanisms rather than avoidance. Her attitude (that her mother enables) is that she cannot (and will never be able to) do certain things because of her autism. It feels like it autism is now starting to define her and I worry for her future.

Am I being unreasonable? How do you/others balance autism with the normal struggles that children or teenagers have over parents forming a new family?

I am very fortunate in that my daughter attends main stream school and I do not have to face some of the problems you have with severly autistic children. I am however at my wits end with this.

Thank you for reading, sorry for the length.

Parents

  • Hi Scrabble,

    It may be helpful to have a chat with another parent about this, who may have gone through something similar with their teenager. You may want to contact our Parent to Parent service who offers emotional support to parents and carers of children or adults with autism. This service is confidential and run by trained parent volunteers who are all parents themselves of a child or adult with autism . 

    You contact the team on 0808 800 4106. Please leave a message and the team will call you back as soon as possible at a time that suits you, including evenings and weekends. Alternatively you can use contact the team via web form: https://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/parent-to-parent/enquiry.aspx

    You can also contact our Autism Helpline team who can provide you with information and advice . You can contact the team via telephone on 0808 800 4104 (Monday to Thursday 10am to 4pm, Friday 9am to 3pm). Please note that the Helpline is experiencing a high volume of calls and it may take a couple of attempts before you get through to speak to an adviser. Alternatively, should you prefer to send a message, you can do so via their webform:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/main/questions.aspx

    I hope this helps!

    Dani Mod

Reply

  • Hi Scrabble,

    It may be helpful to have a chat with another parent about this, who may have gone through something similar with their teenager. You may want to contact our Parent to Parent service who offers emotional support to parents and carers of children or adults with autism. This service is confidential and run by trained parent volunteers who are all parents themselves of a child or adult with autism . 

    You contact the team on 0808 800 4106. Please leave a message and the team will call you back as soon as possible at a time that suits you, including evenings and weekends. Alternatively you can use contact the team via web form: https://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/parent-to-parent/enquiry.aspx

    You can also contact our Autism Helpline team who can provide you with information and advice . You can contact the team via telephone on 0808 800 4104 (Monday to Thursday 10am to 4pm, Friday 9am to 3pm). Please note that the Helpline is experiencing a high volume of calls and it may take a couple of attempts before you get through to speak to an adviser. Alternatively, should you prefer to send a message, you can do so via their webform:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/main/questions.aspx

    I hope this helps!

    Dani Mod

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