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Line between autism vs. teenage behaviour

Scrabble

I have a 15 year old daughter who is refusing to visit me in the house I have moved into with my new partner earlier this year (my 11 year old son continues to visit). She has autism but attends a mainstream secondary school. She refuses to visit because she says she cannot cope with my partner and her 9 year old son due to her autism. My partners son is on the spectrum but not diagnosed. He can be noisy and is a unique character but has done nothing to or against her - she is upset with his character/behaviours (stimming) rather than anything specific he has done

If she was more severely autistic, then I would never expect her to visit (if she was struggling with it) as she literally would not be able to cope, it would not be fair. If she had no autism, then a 7 year old being annoying or noisy would not IMO be reasons for not visiting.

It is this balance between autistic needs and teenager wants I am struggling with. My daughters mother (who I have a strained relationship with) insists these are genuine autistic needs that I should respect and arrange my life and plans around (separate weekend visits and separate birthdays/Christmas without my partner+son around).

My feeling is that my daughter is struggling with the change as teenagers can do - her response is magnified by her autism but that the things she struggles with are solvable, that we can develop coping mechanisms rather than avoidance. Her attitude (that her mother enables) is that she cannot (and will never be able to) do certain things because of her autism. It feels like it autism is now starting to define her and I worry for her future.

Am I being unreasonable? How do you/others balance autism with the normal struggles that children or teenagers have over parents forming a new family?

I am very fortunate in that my daughter attends main stream school and I do not have to face some of the problems you have with severly autistic children. I am however at my wits end with this.

Thank you for reading, sorry for the length.

Parents

  • Hello,

    it sounds like a tricky situation, as your daughter is living with her mum I would expect they discuss issues together and her mum could be right.  Maybe for now let her see you on your own and gradually bring in time to include your partner and their young son. Your relationship with your daughter  is the most important. My own daughter is in mainstream and change is very difficult for her, even for example the changes of routine at school as Christmas was approaching.  We had several meltdowns. It’s probably hard for your daughter to adjust, it is tricky to work out what’s teenage behaviour / autistic behaviour sometimes, time will work it all out but I’d go along with what she says she needs for now and gradually bring in in changes. 

    That’s just my opinion based on how my daughter reacts to change .  Others may have very different opinions.  I wish you and yours all the best. 

Reply

  • Hello,

    it sounds like a tricky situation, as your daughter is living with her mum I would expect they discuss issues together and her mum could be right.  Maybe for now let her see you on your own and gradually bring in time to include your partner and their young son. Your relationship with your daughter  is the most important. My own daughter is in mainstream and change is very difficult for her, even for example the changes of routine at school as Christmas was approaching.  We had several meltdowns. It’s probably hard for your daughter to adjust, it is tricky to work out what’s teenage behaviour / autistic behaviour sometimes, time will work it all out but I’d go along with what she says she needs for now and gradually bring in in changes. 

    That’s just my opinion based on how my daughter reacts to change .  Others may have very different opinions.  I wish you and yours all the best. 

Children
  • in reply to Mum on a mission :)

    Thank you. My worry is that avoidance makes the situation harder to resolve in the long term because it has now become the norm.

    Being a parent means listening but it also means sometimes saying "enough" and that we, as adults (not always, but in the main!) should know best. With autism this is so much harder as we need to make decisions that might not be right for children without autism but are absolutely required for those that do. For children with less severe autism, it is hard to know where the autism stops and the normal teenage behaviour begins as both can require a different response to the same problem...

    I take your point that we should err on the side of autism - that is the best/safest response. Thank you for your reply!