ASD Son living with me and my partner but doesn't like us together

Hi All,

I need some advice and am not really sure where to go. 

My son has recently come to live with me having lived with his mother and smaller sister for his whole life.  I used to live with him until about 4 years ago. 

I now live with my new partner and due to circumstances, as I mentioned, he live with us.

When he on his own with either one of us, me or my partner he is the most charming loving boy and as with most kids of any description he has his moments.

My son was diagnosed with PDA, ASD and ADHD a few years back and I am in the process of finding him a new specialist school in my area.  In the meantime he is attending an interim placement for one hour every other day.

When I come home from work or at the weekend when we are both, my partner and I, looking after him he starts to have his meltdowns (last night it was 40 mins) he says he doesn't know why he does it when I get home or when my partner and I are together.  Ill be honest I have no idea either, he is now in a loving home with two people who love him and would do anything for him but that appears not to be enough. 

I fear its the rejection of his mother that has started to trigger these meltdowns but I don't know what to do?

He has a referral from Cahms which will take around 3-6 months in my area and we are in the process of finalising a school placement for him.  Other than this I don't know what to do.  its been 5 days including the weekend that every time I come home or am around he has a meltdown, or gets angry.   I am taken away from my partner and have to console him in another room for hours

As you can imagine this is putting an increasing strain on all of us

Can anyone offer any advice or does anyone have any history of this sort of thing? What did you do?

Thanks for reading

Mark

Parents
  • I'm no expert (no kids, late diagnosed autistic adult), but could this be a sort of 'reverse coke-bottle' situation?

    I'm sure you're familiar with the coke-bottle theory where autistic kids are 'fine' all day at school, then have a meltdown when they get home - with the explanation being that they weren't 'fine all day at school', they were masking/coping and when they get home to their 'safe place' all the pent-up anxiety and frustration comes bursting out.

    What I'm suggesting is that maybe your son is 'masking' while he's being looked after by your partner / is away from you and then, when you get home, you're his 'safe place' so the anxiety he's been covering up comes out?

    Does this only happen when he's looked after your partner, or other times as well...

    I'm largely taking this line of thinking from here: https://spectra.blog/news-views/autistic-meltdown-or-neural-high-jacking-what-is-meltdown-how-can-outsiders-deal-with-it-empathetically-and-how-do-autists-manage-their-own-meltdowns-asd-asc/

    The 'take away' being that a meltdown often (usually?) isn't the result of what's happening now it's down to what's been happening before with the now just being a trigger...

    A light shower might seem like the cause of a dam bursting, but the real reason will be the previous 2 weeks of heavy rain...

    Hope you find a solution

Reply
  • I'm no expert (no kids, late diagnosed autistic adult), but could this be a sort of 'reverse coke-bottle' situation?

    I'm sure you're familiar with the coke-bottle theory where autistic kids are 'fine' all day at school, then have a meltdown when they get home - with the explanation being that they weren't 'fine all day at school', they were masking/coping and when they get home to their 'safe place' all the pent-up anxiety and frustration comes bursting out.

    What I'm suggesting is that maybe your son is 'masking' while he's being looked after by your partner / is away from you and then, when you get home, you're his 'safe place' so the anxiety he's been covering up comes out?

    Does this only happen when he's looked after your partner, or other times as well...

    I'm largely taking this line of thinking from here: https://spectra.blog/news-views/autistic-meltdown-or-neural-high-jacking-what-is-meltdown-how-can-outsiders-deal-with-it-empathetically-and-how-do-autists-manage-their-own-meltdowns-asd-asc/

    The 'take away' being that a meltdown often (usually?) isn't the result of what's happening now it's down to what's been happening before with the now just being a trigger...

    A light shower might seem like the cause of a dam bursting, but the real reason will be the previous 2 weeks of heavy rain...

    Hope you find a solution

Children
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