My 12 year old son does not want friends

I hope this doesn't sound too cynical or trite, but: Are the other children under any obligation to befriend him? (I think not!) Friendship is a two-way relationship and, autism or not, there's nothing he can do to force anyone else to befriend him against their will, just so that he can meet an arbitrary target. If he's facing any stigma from the other children for his autism, even at a low level that's not overt bullying, this risks making him feel like a "failure" because of others' prejudices. If he does manage to force some superficial relationships, but only by putting on the act of being someone that he isn't, they're hardly likely to be the kind of "friendships" which would "save his mental health" in any case.

I think you're quite right to be cautious. It sounds to me like "behavioural engineering" of the worst kind - potentially setting him up to fail through no fault of his own. Whether that is the case or not, he is very likely to see it that way if he is admonished for not meeting the target, and the results of that could be very counter-productive. I wonder how many non-autistic people would find it so easy to socialise if they knew that someone was looming over their shoulder ticking things off on a clipboard the the whole time!

The idea that we can be helped with social problems just by throwing us in at the deep end to acclimatise is very misguided. It totally ignores that the source of our social problems is not just lack of knowledge or practice; there are often much deeper reasons for it to do with how we process information about the world around us. For example; when I don't use eye-contact, it's not because I know nothing about it or how to do it, it's because doing it would overwhelm my brain's power to process the information from my other senses, and no amount of practice or social knowledge will stop that from happening. While it certainly is a good thing to help him to understand the people around him better, if he has trouble reading people's intentions at a perceptual level, it may be a very demoralising and frustrating experience trying to learn it for himself by trial and error, especially if he finds any social faux-pas along the way embarrassing  (this is the way that I had to do it as a child, since I didn't fit the autism diagnosis as it was back then). Does he receive much help with these aspects of his autism at school (assuming that they even recognise them as a potential problems)?

Encouraging an after school club sounds more positive - so long as the activity is something that he's genuinely interested in, of course! A shared interest can be a much easier way for autistic people to kindle a friendship, as there's much less awkward "breaking the ice" and making idle chit-chat that we so often struggle with - those can always be worked on later once he's built some confidence by maybe finding a couple of friendships that come naturally with him barely noticing that it's happening. But again, if it's something that he feels forced into, it may just make him more resistant to trying.

I doubt that he'll be encouraged to make friends by turning the subject into something that he sees as "test" or a source of conflict with adults. I think you're right not to push too hard, just as it would be right for a non-autistic child.

Best wishes to both of you.

I hope this doesn't sound too cynical or trite, but: Are the other children under any obligation to befriend him? (I think not!) Friendship is a two-way relationship and, autism or not, there's nothing he can do to force anyone else to befriend him against their will, just so that he can meet an arbitrary target. If he's facing any stigma from the other children for his autism, even at a low level that's not overt bullying, this risks making him feel like a "failure" because of others' prejudices. If he does manage to force some superficial relationships, but only by putting on the act of being someone that he isn't, they're hardly likely to be the kind of "friendships" which would "save his mental health" in any case.

I think you're quite right to be cautious. It sounds to me like "behavioural engineering" of the worst kind - potentially setting him up to fail through no fault of his own. Whether that is the case or not, he is very likely to see it that way if he is admonished for not meeting the target, and the results of that could be very counter-productive. I wonder how many non-autistic people would find it so easy to socialise if they knew that someone was looming over their shoulder ticking things off on a clipboard the the whole time!

The idea that we can be helped with social problems just by throwing us in at the deep end to acclimatise is very misguided. It totally ignores that the source of our social problems is not just lack of knowledge or practice; there are often much deeper reasons for it to do with how we process information about the world around us. For example; when I don't use eye-contact, it's not because I know nothing about it or how to do it, it's because doing it would overwhelm my brain's power to process the information from my other senses, and no amount of practice or social knowledge will stop that from happening. While it certainly is a good thing to help him to understand the people around him better, if he has trouble reading people's intentions at a perceptual level, it may be a very demoralising and frustrating experience trying to learn it for himself by trial and error, especially if he finds any social faux-pas along the way embarrassing  (this is the way that I had to do it as a child, since I didn't fit the autism diagnosis as it was back then). Does he receive much help with these aspects of his autism at school (assuming that they even recognise them as a potential problems)?

Encouraging an after school club sounds more positive - so long as the activity is something that he's genuinely interested in, of course! A shared interest can be a much easier way for autistic people to kindle a friendship, as there's much less awkward "breaking the ice" and making idle chit-chat that we so often struggle with - those can always be worked on later once he's built some confidence by maybe finding a couple of friendships that come naturally with him barely noticing that it's happening. But again, if it's something that he feels forced into, it may just make him more resistant to trying.

I doubt that he'll be encouraged to make friends by turning the subject into something that he sees as "test" or a source of conflict with adults. I think you're right not to push too hard, just as it would be right for a non-autistic child.

Best wishes to both of you.

Thanks very much for your reply.  Sorry I haven’t responded sooner but I’ve been a bit snowed under. I appreciate your insight and it backs up the way I was feeling about all this.  At his EHCP review I am going to ask to have this target removed and I think the points you have made will be useful to use as part of my reasoning for this. I’m not a big one for small talk myself so i do understand where my boy is coming from to some extent.  It can be difficult to stick to your instincts (and the wishes of your child) when the experts are telling you you are risking your child’s wellbeing. I also appreciate your point that this would be awkward for any child, not just one with autism. Thank you.