Published on 12, July, 2020
I really don’t like to be writing this as it’s such a negative post but I am struggling with my daughters unkind behaviour.
We are pretty sure our 12 year old daughter has Aspergers. She is growing up and I completely understand that she will have hormones fizzing about and she does struggle socially. We want to do all we can to help her but her nasty behaviour is grinding the family down and causing upset every time we are all together. I am at a loss as to how I should deal with the issues if they are sensory issues or plain horrid.
For example she calls people names and is negative about people’s appearances, if I have my gym kit on I am glared at and told I need to get changed, if my hair is back in a ponytail I am told I am dirty and should wash my hair; I am told I must wash my hands before I do her hair for her, I am not to touch her food as I am dirty, she also mimicks my voice and the things I say. She’s like an echo, I have found myself being more pronounced in my speaking voice and cross checking my own clothes, I am also starting to become anxious about this and I also don’t feel there is anything I can do to “punish” her. If I take her phone from her and say she can have it back when she can be more polite but she doesn’t care about any material possessions, and she is not scared of me as I would have been of my mother. She seems to enjoy seeing me cross and hurt and she is really pushing every button.
I do consider myself a caring kind parent but I am struggling with finding a strategy to get through these insults and to work out if it’s part of her sensory issues. I don’t want to feel negative about her.
Hope someone can offer some advice, please :)
HI
I have been through this with the absolute nastiness and total lack of regard for other peoples feelings. I have stood open mouthed in shock at the things my 12 year old has said sometimes. Afterwards she cries and said she doesn't mean it but has to say it and sometimes wants to upset me.Most of the time now I can remain calm and do find that electronics being taken away helps a little. It isn't always easy to not react though and sometimes I have to go for a drive and a good old cry. Hope things have improved for you xx
Of course I can't say with 100% certainty, but it sounds like perhaps your daughter does have hypersensitivities to certain sounds. It also really sounds like she's masking at school, which is pretty typical. When she gets home, she'll 'unclench', and you'll get the brunt of the frustration that's been building from having to act 'normal' throughout the day.
Have you suggested your daughter take herself off to her room for some quiet time when she's feeling overwhelmed? It can really help to be away from other people for a bit.
There's a quasi-recognised condition called 'Misophonia' which is where certain kinds of sound trigger strong emotional responses in people (often coughs, throat-clearing, etc). The NHS don't currently recognise it, but a common coping mechanism for people with this is earplugs /noise-cancelling earphones. These are also beneficial to many people on the autistic spectrum (https://www.allergictosound.com/articles/the-big-reveal-your-favourite-misophonia-coping-techniques/).
Are you currently going through the diagnostic process for your daughter' suspected Aspergers? If she has a diagnosis, it should mean that she can get more resources and support at school, and she'll also be able to access sensory toys etc. that might be helpful for her.
I'd also like to recommend you the Tony Attwood video "Could It Be Aspergers?", if you haven't seen it already. I think it's a great video because it breaks down a lot of different typical behaviours and traits, and gives good explanations for them. It also talks about the ways that Aspergers is often expressed differently in girls/women: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuZFThlOiJI
Thanks for your reply. I’ve asked her today why she mimicks me and if it’s because she likes copying me. My daughter said she really hates the way I say those words and it’s too much for her to cope with. She said she doesn’t like the way some of the teachers speak at school but she has to get on with that, so is she masking at school and has a sensory issue with voices ?
Hi, I'm not a parent but do have Asperger Syndrome (diagnosed as an adult). I can really empathise with the way your daughter is acting, I think I acted like that a lot as a child (and am probably still guilty of it now from time to time).
My sense is that the repetition (echolalia) stuff is likely not intended nastily; it's a way of 'trying out' the way that certain words and phrases sound. A lot of people with Aspergers and Autism do this because of social blindness: They learn certain aspects of social interaction by taking dialogue and body language from films or observing other people, figure out if they like the feel of it, and try it out themselves in other situations. This stuff is likely not intended to cause hurt. I still often find myself repeating snatches of dialogue to myself in the mirror when alone!
In terms of the nastiness; I did that when I was feeling tired out and cranky. As you pointed out, your daughter is approaching the teenage years. My mum used to get annoyed at me for acting up, saying "You act so nicely at school and around other people, but not around me/the family". It's because I was scared to be myself around people who aren't my family. 'Masking'/pretending to be normal around other people is really tiring, so as soon as I got home, I was cranky, and took it out on my family (who I didn't feel pressure to 'mask' around).
It's really tough, but when your daughter is being difficult; I recommend either giving her a lot of space, and letting her unwind by herself. Maybe create a single code word that she can say when she's feeling negative/cranky and just needs some space. I think non-Autistic people sometimes want to crowd in when someone's feeling miserable and ask "How are you doing?", "Why are you upset?", "Do you want to talk about it?" (etc.). This can really backfire with autistic people- they may need a lot of space!
In terms of the hypersensitivities, I have a lot of the same stuff too. My parents used that to encourage me to learn to do things for myself (prepare food, do my own laundry, etc.) and eventually I got to the point where I didn't like other people doing these things for me. You could also encourage your daughter to describe how she feels inside when she's had a chance to recover a bit.
Good luck!
Thanks for your kindness in replying. I’m struggling with this! I’m going to change some patterns as distraction techniques .... it’s become a battle every Saturday so a big change is needed x
Firstly hi, I'm a mum to a diagnosed teen. I'm also undiagnosed but quite certain I have autism.
When my son acts up theres usually another issue in the background. Usually its bullying. I make sure we do something he likes and eventually prize out whsts upsetting him. Hormones also play a role. Hes generally respectful so that's a bonus.
I remember as a kid I'd act out as I couldnt cope at school so bottled it up until I got home. I also mimicked phrases and mannerisms which i now know was a way of masking
I still do it sometimes if I've watched a tv show for example I'll go make coffee and repeat what's been said in the characters voice without realising.
Super mum for looking for advice by the way