Published on 12, July, 2020
hi I'm new to the forum. I'm the gran of an amazing 16 yr old young man who was diagnosed at age of 12 with ASD. Since then his life and ours has been a huge rollercoaster of emotions and anxiety. He tried 3 mainstream schools with predicatably awful results before recieving funding for am amazing school for boys just like him. He's been attending since Jan of this year. This year will be his GCSE year as he had missed so much school. However we are still having huge verbally aggressive outbursts mainly aimed at my daughter ( his mother). She is a lone parent and we help as much as we can as we live nearby and we are a " safety valve" for our boy as things at home can become very intense. He refuses to do anything at home even when asked. He won't walk the dog, help in the house in any way, won't wash, shower clean his teeth or wear clean clothes. He might clean himself up maybe once a week. He has no friends at school or at home and is very isolated. He does a attend a group for kids with Aspergers once a week and all he does is play football and not really I react with the others much. He is totally immersed maybe addicted to an online computer game and this is all he does day and night. My daughter has asked him to stop but he won't, doesn't see why he needs to. She has turned off the internet only to experience very verbally aggressive bullying behaviour. He will tell her if she turns it off he will not go to school. In the past she has turned it off with not much success as he simply retreats into himself and refuses to go to school, to engage with family etc. Pretty much how he is when the internet is not turned off actually. I could go on and on but we are all heartbroken and desperate to understand what's happening and why and how to fix it. He is so nasty when he doesn't get his own way and it feels like he really doesn't care about anybody or anything just his game. My daughter has discussed this with his consultant at CAHMs and she has explained to my grandson that this behaviour is not good for him and he needs to limit his time on games but he won't listen The consultant says there is nothing else she can do. We seem to be totally stuck with this destructive behaviour and just don't know what to do. My daughter is on the verge of a breakdown as every morning they have the same awful routine of her asking him to get up and him saying in a minute then an hour later he's still not up. He does come to stay with us just to change the dynamic a bit and we have the same behaviours too although we are luckier in the we can normally get him into the taxi to take him to school. We are just so sad and devastated for our boy Is there anyone who can help offer advice anything at all. Thanks so much for reading this. I'm sure there are worse behaviours but this has been going in so long. We cannot have a reasonable discussion with him as he merely tells us what he thinks we want to hear and has no intention of keeping to any agreement.
Some of that sounds like fairly normal teenage boy stuff - especially the getting out of bed capers. I reckon he'll grow out of that in a few years. Going through puberty is an exhausting and brutal business, going from being a child to an adult in just a few short years.. that's something we tend to forget as adults.
Regarding the gaming addiction, I think it's very likely he's dissatisfied with his life and gaming is his retreat. It doesn't sound like he has a whole lot else. Simply denying him access is not going to help the situation imo.
Hi, I am the mother of a 15 year old boy with ASD, who was diagnosed at the age of 5. He had speech therapy at an early age, and one to one support at infant school, (mainstream), and is now at high school, so it's a different situation to the one you have, in that we have had more time to get used to the diagnosis, and to try out various ways to help him.
But there are some similarities, especially his almost total lack of interest in personal hygiene. Left to his own devices, he would happily wear the same clothes day and night for days on end. I wish I could say I've found a way around that one, unfortunately the best I can do is to remind him frequently of the need to wash, use deodorant and change his socks. It has helped a little to schedule bath night on two evenings a week at the same time, as he has gradually got used to the idea. But I still have to run the bath and tell him it's there ready. It has also helped to use bath foam with a smell he likes, and a milder tasting mouthwash. He didn't start cleaning his teeth regularly until after he had to have a filling, and I warned him that he could end up with more. He hated the injection and the drill more than the toothbrush.
He swears a lot, and has a very short temper, and I have found that there is little gained by trying to discipline him when he is already angry, it's much better to try and set out the rules when he is in a better mood. If he's being aggressive, I tell him to go to his room if necessary until he has calmed down, but he will often go there of his own accord. He is allowed to punch cushions or tear newspaper, and has a variety of "stress balls" to squeeze or throw. It doesn't always work out, but most of the time he can be distracted on to something harmless, and we have been working on this over the years.
The worst times are first thing in the morning, when he is often tired and grumpy about going to school, and also just after he comes home. I suspect he has been bottling a lot in all day at school, and then lets it all out at home. I don't think it's aimed at me personally, and I hope it is the same for your daughter and grandson, I know it can be difficult to feel that in the moment.
He finds school mostly boring, and can't see the point in studying subjects he has no interest in, but is very focused when he wants to be. He carries a card which he can show to the teacher if he feels overwhelmed, so he can leave and go to a quiet place with no questions asked, but rarely uses it. (He says that having it with him is usually enough.) Does your grandson have the same?
If you don't mind me asking, I notice that you said that your lives have been a "roller coaster of emotions and anxiety" since the diagnosis, and I am wondering what things were like before? Because the diagnosis in itself is just labelllng what was already there, he is still the same person he was before. Has he been bullied because of it? Sadly, that might have partly accounted for his dislike of mainstream schools. What does the special school he is attending now say about his behaviour, is it different from at home?
I can also relate to the part about obsession with computer games, and it has been a big issue in our house as well. It is his special interest. I warn him 10 minutes, then 5 minutes, before the computer is to be switched off, and it still doesn't always prevent a problem, but mostly he is OK. Again, insisting on set times and set days has been some help, but again it has taken a long time. Change is possible, but can be very slow. and sometimes you just have to pick your battles carefully. I know that he has a lot of friends online, who he regularly plays multiplayer games with, and gets upset if he can't contact them. He is also an "admin" on one of the games, and takes his (voluntary) duties very seriously. (I have let him continue, within reason, because it relaxes him and he wants to be a games designer when he grows up.) He does have a couple of friends at school, who share his interest in the same games and "meet" him online. Are there any children at your grandson's school who might share his special interest(s)? It can be potentially a good way to start a friendship, because it would be an easy topic for him to talk about.
I hope some of this helps, sorry to have rambled on. and I hope that you, your daughter and your grandson will find the help you need. Clearly you are doing a lot already, and might not need telling any of what I have written, in which case I will just add that I have personally found this website very helpful, and there are other people here who will be able to offer advice and support. Best wishes.