Help with child unable to accept mistakes

My son has ASD diagnosd when he was 4-5y old and I had transferred to a small primary school where he received 1:1 tuition etc. and thrived. The transition to secondary was a nightmare. He couldn't cope from the get go. He's currently in the process of having further assessment for a pervasive developmental disorder. He is highly anxious, a perfectionist and very fearful of mistakes. Parenting requires a lot of intelligence really as he is very articulate but will not accept a mistake he has made. For example, if he's rushing about and slips, it's because there is a problem with the floor. If he's spilt something, it's a problem with the cup. Usually, he never starts a fight or argument at school, but when something happens he retaliates and uses foul language that results in him being complained about. He doesn't accept he's done wrong. He sees things as not being his fault, the other children used bad language but not accepting his use of bad language was ten times worse and something he doesn't even understand. He gets very anxious when something happens and I think he worries he will be blamed. My approach is to focus away from blame, and reassure him he's done nothing wrong. That works in de-escalating the situation. How do I cope with the parenting bit. So later, I will have a chat and say 'next time you run down the stairs to the kitchen, just make sure you're wearing your slippers in case the floor is slippery and you fall' or 'you know when other children call you names and use bad language, I don't think you should use bad language back at them because then they will complain about you, when you should complain to your teacher about them'. If I said to him that he has made a mistake and remember not to do it again, he will get very anxious and confrontational. What other things can I do or say to help in such situations. 

Parents
  • I can’t offer any parenting advice because I don’t have any kids but I might be able to help with some insight? I have asd and I have been told a lot by my parents that I am like this! I’m 20 now and have learnt how to back down when someone says I’m wrong but even though I try hard to see how they are right, I still can’t and it is very hard to bite my tongue - maybe your son will learn to do the same. I still don’t know why I’m like this and I know now that it can’t be that I really am right all the time! When someone tells me that I am wrong in something, no matter how small, it feels like a direct attack on me for some reason.I feel really hurt and really flustered and it can even make me angry. I get very defensive and my brain launches to a reason why I’m right. My mum says it’s hard to argue with an autistic person because sometimes we only think in black and white. I think it could be because I do get criticised a lot but also, I got bullied a lot as a kid and even sometimes now, as a lot of ppl with asd have. I only know this because other people have pointed out when I’m being bullied. To me, it’s hard to tell apart the personal attacks to the impersonal and so my response to all of it is either fight or freeze. Like I said, I did get better at holding my tongue and in hindsight, I can usually see that I was wrong too. I hope this helps- maybe this is how your son feels? 

  • Thanks for sharing your experience, Rosie! I have a very similar experience, although I've never been told this by my parents. It's come up a lot in my relationship with my partner (we've been together almost 10 years) and he always says I get so defensive whenever he tries to give me feedback about something or show me my approach is wrong. I recognise that I always subconsciously feel like I'm in the right or I'm the one who knows best, and it can make me react to stressful situations in ways I'm not proud of. I actually start to feel anxious when I even suspect that my partner may be about to raise an issue, as deep down I'm afraid of the arguments that will follow. Definitely a fight response and not something I know how to change.

Reply
  • Thanks for sharing your experience, Rosie! I have a very similar experience, although I've never been told this by my parents. It's come up a lot in my relationship with my partner (we've been together almost 10 years) and he always says I get so defensive whenever he tries to give me feedback about something or show me my approach is wrong. I recognise that I always subconsciously feel like I'm in the right or I'm the one who knows best, and it can make me react to stressful situations in ways I'm not proud of. I actually start to feel anxious when I even suspect that my partner may be about to raise an issue, as deep down I'm afraid of the arguments that will follow. Definitely a fight response and not something I know how to change.

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