Published on 12, July, 2020
My son has ASD diagnosd when he was 4-5y old and I had transferred to a small primary school where he received 1:1 tuition etc. and thrived. The transition to secondary was a nightmare. He couldn't cope from the get go. He's currently in the process of having further assessment for a pervasive developmental disorder. He is highly anxious, a perfectionist and very fearful of mistakes. Parenting requires a lot of intelligence really as he is very articulate but will not accept a mistake he has made. For example, if he's rushing about and slips, it's because there is a problem with the floor. If he's spilt something, it's a problem with the cup. Usually, he never starts a fight or argument at school, but when something happens he retaliates and uses foul language that results in him being complained about. He doesn't accept he's done wrong. He sees things as not being his fault, the other children used bad language but not accepting his use of bad language was ten times worse and something he doesn't even understand. He gets very anxious when something happens and I think he worries he will be blamed. My approach is to focus away from blame, and reassure him he's done nothing wrong. That works in de-escalating the situation. How do I cope with the parenting bit. So later, I will have a chat and say 'next time you run down the stairs to the kitchen, just make sure you're wearing your slippers in case the floor is slippery and you fall' or 'you know when other children call you names and use bad language, I don't think you should use bad language back at them because then they will complain about you, when you should complain to your teacher about them'. If I said to him that he has made a mistake and remember not to do it again, he will get very anxious and confrontational. What other things can I do or say to help in such situations.
Have you tried social stories? Thomas Edison tried hundreds of materials before he found the right filament for his light bulb - he said that he did not "get it wrong" when a material did not work. He merely found out that <whatever> did not work so he needed to try something else. Or as my grandfather put it, " The person who never made a mistake never made b**ger all." Your son has learnt that doing <whatever> doesn't work when cooking eggs. That is useful information. Use it to work out what might work. If the eggs are burnt, try turning down the heat next time, etc.
I've heard of social stories but not quite sure how to use them as a parenting exercise. He is now 16 going on to 17 but I have learnt to handle him very differently. He mirrors my response. So if I show upset, he is upset but the upset is seen as an attack on myself. He becomes defensive and upset. It is so hard really but I persist and there have been changes over time. I think as he gets older his difficulties will become less obvious as he will have more experience of similar situations behind him, that will help him. However when it comes to new situations, he is most likely to flounder.