Published on 12, July, 2020
My son has ASD diagnosd when he was 4-5y old and I had transferred to a small primary school where he received 1:1 tuition etc. and thrived. The transition to secondary was a nightmare. He couldn't cope from the get go. He's currently in the process of having further assessment for a pervasive developmental disorder. He is highly anxious, a perfectionist and very fearful of mistakes. Parenting requires a lot of intelligence really as he is very articulate but will not accept a mistake he has made. For example, if he's rushing about and slips, it's because there is a problem with the floor. If he's spilt something, it's a problem with the cup. Usually, he never starts a fight or argument at school, but when something happens he retaliates and uses foul language that results in him being complained about. He doesn't accept he's done wrong. He sees things as not being his fault, the other children used bad language but not accepting his use of bad language was ten times worse and something he doesn't even understand. He gets very anxious when something happens and I think he worries he will be blamed. My approach is to focus away from blame, and reassure him he's done nothing wrong. That works in de-escalating the situation. How do I cope with the parenting bit. So later, I will have a chat and say 'next time you run down the stairs to the kitchen, just make sure you're wearing your slippers in case the floor is slippery and you fall' or 'you know when other children call you names and use bad language, I don't think you should use bad language back at them because then they will complain about you, when you should complain to your teacher about them'. If I said to him that he has made a mistake and remember not to do it again, he will get very anxious and confrontational. What other things can I do or say to help in such situations.
How old is your son?
Hi. He is now 13.
I wish it were that simple. He often uses words cleverly. Or play with them. So he argues, clearly for example saying he won't wear a jacket when it's raining outside but when asked about the 'squabble' usually with his grandmother, he will say it was because it was the wrong rain jacket she was asking him to wear. He can be heard saying 'No' when she tells him to wear it when going outside but when I intervene it's 'no to the wrong rain jacket' according to him. I think the issue is whether it is raining or may rain and when the weather forecast is for rain but it's not raining outside, he thinks he doesn't need a rain jacket. But his play on words can be very taxing. My approach to him getting him to do something is to say 'it's not raining right now, but you are wearing a rain jacket as it is going to rain at some point today and you are going outside'. It's what I call a 'cerebral' explanation to make him understand why I am asking him to wear a rain jacket. My mum can't do this. She will say you need a rain jacket because of the weather and to his mind, it's not 'raining' at the time he's been asked to wear the rain jacket. But when he said 'no' and then changed it to 'no it was the wrong rain jacket' is naughty of him. Often I don't know what to do!
To be honest, I think he needs some actual punishment because he's acting in a completely immature manner. ASD is not an excuse for being a brat.
No. He uses a strange logic in which the cause is always external. He is almost scared to admit that he has done something wrong or can't accept that he can. When he has been asked to say sorry, he will do so with great difficulty but later on will cry that he was asked to say sorry when it hadn't been his fault. Once he made an omelette and threw it in the bin because it hadn't cooked right. So he was told to call someone in or ask me for help as I could eat it by cooking it differently. He repeated this 'mistake' of throwing it away saying there was something wrong with the eggs. We now know that he will throw away food he has cooked/made if it isn't how he perceives it to be.
Does he ever accept responsibility when he has done something wrong?