"He doesn't act autistic"

I had to hold my tongue yesterday when someone told me that my son doesn't act autistic. They said he blends right in at the church kids group  and that they don't know why I am worried about him going to secondary school in two years . They couldn't understand why I would be worried about it. It made me really cross. 

  • Only one reply "please stop using social media for 2 days and educate urself. There is alot of help available for people like you"

    Ending your conversation with "by the way you don't look insensitive ignorant idiot but you are"

    God bless all our kids! 

  • I actually told someone that I was autistic and they said, "No you're not." Apparently I don't "seem" autistic. Why do people think they know you/your loved ones better than you do? So annoying.

  • My son is 9 and to me and my husband we are starting to think he stands out more because of his unusual behaviour and how he is getting so tall. He went back to school into year five with a cuddly cat for extra support.

  • My Husband and son are both really good at masking. I have been told before by teachers that my son is fine, its just his age and told that compared to other special needs children in the same class he is fine as they are 'clearly much more autistic than him'!!! aahhggg! it makes me so frustrated. My son is 8 at the moment but i am dreading when he goes to senior school (high school?), as it was around that age that my husband started to be labeled as a trouble maker etc, no one even noticed there was anything wrong untill i met him and made him go for a diagnosis when he was 31. Luckily because of this we were aware of the signs and my son has had a diagnosis now, but people are still ignorant, even teachers, who still frequently tell me that he isn't that bad!! I think you just have to learn to ignore most of what other people say, because they are not specialists in the field and they do not know your child like you do or how hard he works to appear like everyone else.

  • I hate it when people say u don't look autistic or we wouldn't gave known if u hadn't of told us 

  • Can I ask was there a reason why you watched so many films?My son who is appraoching 13 and is on the long waiting list to be assesed(since he started secondary school they are keen for him assesed....we have from a young age thought he was on the spectrum)

    He is obsessed with films,and I’m just wondering if he is using it to shut the world out as he would rather sit with headphones on with a small screen than be with others.This last year especially stressful for him  As he started a new school .He is so shy and hates attention ,even positive attention ....I’ve found commendation certificates screwed up at the bottom of his school bag and just doesn’t want any fuss at all!

  • Thank you. These are all really good points. Being autistic myself and being put on the spot, I just smiled and nodded. So easy to work out what you should have said after the event. 

  • I have to speak to quite a lot of foreigners in my work. I am acutely aware of their struggle to translate my speech into their own language, compose an answer and translate it back into English and speak to me convincingly. I know exactly what that feels like. Its knackering. I am an alien in my own world. Imagine that Alien

  • You should say...

    "No, he 'acts' neuro-typical so that he blends right in... he's speaking your language rather than his own - can you imagine how exhausting that is for him?"

    ...or my preference when my spoons are low...

    "No... you don't act like an ignorant twat... but it doesn't mean you aren't one"

  • I know. I really just meant the same as you. We are not all Sheldon Cooper ( who isnt autistic anyway because his mother 'had him tested'). Can you tell by looking? No. Thats my point. Its just the same as 'are all sensitive men gay? Are all gay men sensitive?' No and no.



  • There is a vast difference between 'acting' autistic and 'being' autistic ~ or as the expression goes, “If you’ve met one person with autism ~ you’ve met one person with autism,” by Dr Stephen Shore.



  • As a child I spent all my time watching movies. The problem today, which was also spoken about in a TED talk if I remember, is that the average person's view on Autism is influenced by what was shown on TV in prior decades which painted a limited picture that was either black or white - you can only be Autistic if you fit this profile, which we now know to be false, and Autism shows itself as a spectrum.

    These are the profiles of characters depicted in movies at the time.

    • Talkative and sociable, but simple-minded (naivety and inattention/clumbsy) - Joe Waters in Gone Fishin'
    • Same as above, but more introverted - Forrest Gump
    • In their own world, repetative pointing, vocalising aloud, unaware of their appearance and prone to self-harm - Arnie in What's Eating Gilbert Grape
    • A Savant (high processing ability), accelerated speech that doesn't come to a close, requires prompting or input from trusted people, more prone to OCD and rigid preferences - Raymond in Rain Man

    So when people say "they don't act or appear autistic", what they mean is they do not fit the stereotyped profile. So our response should now be, "that is an outdated stereotype, Autism is a spectrum and shows itself differently in different people".

    There is also this false belief that a disability is only problematic if it is deemed causing (visible) issues in daily life. People wrongly assume that just because the individual isn't having meltdowns every second, they are "fine". As a neurotic introverted person, I never have public meltdowns because I suffer from panic attacks when I am made the centre of attention, so I will hide and then proceed to self-harm or engage in stimming - everyone around me is clueless as to what I go through because I am aloof and keep to myself, if I have problems I internalise them because I know asking for help means exposing myself to other people.

  • I would say "oh really? What does autistic look like?"

  • I bet your son doesn't float in a beam of light with a halo around his head either, in which case he doesn't look religious either... Sorry, a bit over the top maybe but you see my point?

    It seems your son is very talented at masking then which will surely take it's toll when transitioning through high school. I imagine his most autistic behaviour comes in the safety and privacy of his own home, meaning it's invisible to most. 

    If you feel the need to explain to somebody compare it to depression. Some people with depression having the biggest smiles and you'd never, ever know. This doesn't mean they are not suffering with depression however. But, some people are just ignorant and obviously know it all. Personally I'd be tempted to quiz these types on their 'expert' knowledge of autism to see them slip up but it's probably best to smile and blank them out.