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is this it for the rest of our lives?????

mummy of 3

Hi all our son was diagnoised last year at the age of 6 with ASD after fighting for nearly 4 years for help. He went through a stage of being aggressive towards me physically around 4 years old after 6 or so months it gradually stopped unfortunatley now the aggression has come back ten fold and hes now 8 and nearly as tall as me. I cant control him when hes aggressive towards me as i just dont have the strength. His temper is out of control he gets angry over everything and then he starts thrwoing things at me or running at me to hurt me. We have a 4 yr daughter and 11 month old baby son and he is so aggressive towards his sister ive had to explain to the school the marks on her body because of him. We have no support from anywhere.No family who is willing to get involved they all just think hes a naughty child and we have no professionals who want to help we have called so many people but we just get told " your doing fine just carry on" or "the goverment cutbacks mean we cant help you". Im at my witts end im crying all day everyday im scared of my own son and im scared for our daughters safety around him. My husband works 50 hours a week and he tries his best to help but hes finding it hard watching me struggle and being upset all the time. Ive had to give up work to be at home for our son but im missing work as it was my 5 mins of being me just me nobody else yeah i know that sounds selfish but its how i feel. Is this really how its going to be for the rest of our lives?? Ive always tried to see the positive side of the diagnosis but now all i see is the negative and no light at the end of the tunnel sorry to go on i have no where else to turn xx

Parents

  • Hi mummy of 3,

    I noticed the following in one of your posts: "Im scared one day i will lose my temper and really shout at him and take all my frustration out on him which i know isnt fair and its not his fault thats why i just cry all day everyday as its better than losing my temper."

    And, well, No! No it's not 'better' not in any sense of the word! OK? Beating yourself up emotionally everyday is not in any way better than you expressing how you feel. And you know what? It might just change your sons behaviour too, if you were to lose your temper with him!

    Now, of course, don't be violent, or abusive, towards him, or anything like that, but it could be that a good shouting at by you is exactly what he needs.

    You see, we, on the spectrum, often experience the emotional world in very 'black and white' terms - for example, most of the time if you ask me how I feel, unless I'm really happy, or really sad, I'll just say something like "I dunno" - 'cos I really don't - I don't really 'feel' anything most of the time. But when I am sad, or angry, or happy, or whatever, I am very sad, or very angry, or very happy.

    Similarly, we also often find it very difficult to understand why others feel the way they do - so for example, your son probably thinks you cry just because you're sad, and not for any other reason - not because of his behaviour - and more so if the signs of how another person are subtle - so we only know someone is 'sad' if they're really sad, bawling their eyes out, or that they're angry if they're shouting and screaming at the top of their voice in an angry agressive manner.

    So, you need to show to him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is wrong, and how you feel, even if that does mean 'losing it' and shouting at him.

    It most probably will upset, and even frighten him, but, another thing we on the spectrum tend to do is get over things really quickly.

    So, get angry with him, shout at him, send him to his room, then calm yourself down, and by the time you're calmed down, he almost certainly will be too, so go to him, say you're sorry, and explain why you lost your temper, and so on.

    Now, let me stress again, I am in no way advocating that you be violent, or abusive, towards him, or anything like that, just make how you're feeling absolutely clear, and let there be no subtlety, or ambiguity to it.

    In fact you should be doing that in all your communication with your son - be clear and unambiguous at all times.

Reply

  • Hi mummy of 3,

    I noticed the following in one of your posts: "Im scared one day i will lose my temper and really shout at him and take all my frustration out on him which i know isnt fair and its not his fault thats why i just cry all day everyday as its better than losing my temper."

    And, well, No! No it's not 'better' not in any sense of the word! OK? Beating yourself up emotionally everyday is not in any way better than you expressing how you feel. And you know what? It might just change your sons behaviour too, if you were to lose your temper with him!

    Now, of course, don't be violent, or abusive, towards him, or anything like that, but it could be that a good shouting at by you is exactly what he needs.

    You see, we, on the spectrum, often experience the emotional world in very 'black and white' terms - for example, most of the time if you ask me how I feel, unless I'm really happy, or really sad, I'll just say something like "I dunno" - 'cos I really don't - I don't really 'feel' anything most of the time. But when I am sad, or angry, or happy, or whatever, I am very sad, or very angry, or very happy.

    Similarly, we also often find it very difficult to understand why others feel the way they do - so for example, your son probably thinks you cry just because you're sad, and not for any other reason - not because of his behaviour - and more so if the signs of how another person are subtle - so we only know someone is 'sad' if they're really sad, bawling their eyes out, or that they're angry if they're shouting and screaming at the top of their voice in an angry agressive manner.

    So, you need to show to him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is wrong, and how you feel, even if that does mean 'losing it' and shouting at him.

    It most probably will upset, and even frighten him, but, another thing we on the spectrum tend to do is get over things really quickly.

    So, get angry with him, shout at him, send him to his room, then calm yourself down, and by the time you're calmed down, he almost certainly will be too, so go to him, say you're sorry, and explain why you lost your temper, and so on.

    Now, let me stress again, I am in no way advocating that you be violent, or abusive, towards him, or anything like that, just make how you're feeling absolutely clear, and let there be no subtlety, or ambiguity to it.

    In fact you should be doing that in all your communication with your son - be clear and unambiguous at all times.

Children
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