Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, I have a question to any parents out there with a teenage autistic child. My 15 year old daughter is currently in the transition from mainstream to a specialise school due to her social emotional needs. She leaves next Friday but for the last few weeks every other day she will refuse to go into school for no apparent reason.
I understand she is anxious about leaving and starting a new school but I have to question is she being a typical teenager who doesn't want to go? I have taken away her phone and stopped her from going to after school club as a punishment for not going to school but does this make a difference? Should I even be punishing her or just accept that her refusal of school goes with the territory.
Would love to hear your opinions on this as the school aren't interested now because she is leaving shortly anyway
It’s completely understandable that she doesn’t want to go in. But is it acceptable? No. Not in my opinion. School is mandatory up to age of 16 and so she should be attending. I keep enforcing this with my son he’s only 8 but has had days when he thought he could get away with not going in. I seriously think it’s very dangerous path when we start to make excuses for our children. She might like not being at school and then what you gonna do? No teenager likes school ones with additional difficulties probably even less so but personally I would am not excusing my child. We have a rule that if it’s something “minor” and possibly related to their disability we let it off but if it’s something against the law (or would be considered against the law as an adult) we come down on it hard. Old habits die hard and I don’t want my son to end up in trouble with the law because he was getting away with certain things as a kid (and why should he stop now?). I know the example is very OTT but one thing always leads to another... I think you are absolutely doing right thing. And it’s school who should be putting more support in!
With respect... autistics have to put up with 'don't use your condition as an excuse' an awful lot. It's quite common, of course, precisely because autism is uncommon. Granted, children can certainly be manipulative. And there can be many reasons for this manipulation. With me as a child, it was to escape bullying. Actually, no... I wasn't manipulative. I simply bunked off until my headmaster was forced to deal with the situation properly. My parents had been to the school countless times about the bullying, but they just paid lip service to 'supporting' me. So... I took my own action and forced the situation. Call that manipulation if you like. I call it self-preservation.
You talk about your son as a law-breaker. Do you mean by not going to school? I would say that's quite different to deliberate law-breaking (such as stealing) - whether as a child or as an adult.
You are right. The school should be doing more. But you speak as someone who doesn't have a lot of patience for 'autism'. Most Aspies (I assume your son high-functioning) find NT behaviours such as manipulation, deceit and deliberate dishonesty to be rather alien concepts. Which isn't to say we're all wonderful people by any means.
Hi I didn’t want to make it sound as if young person we are talking about is manipulative. I honestly don’t think she is. She’s obviously struggling with something at school. What I was trying to put forward and I would actually appreciate your honest opinion as a ‘Aspie’ if you think it’s better to “push” a child or it is better to leave them to do what they want. It’s something every single parent struggles with even with NT children. Do you let them “learn from their mistakes” or do you direct them? And I’m diverting from school none attendance issue. I’m asking in general? I know every situation and every child is different but would you (now as an adult) would you prefer for your parents to be a little bit more pushy or would it be more beneficial to do your own thing (as you choose to do)? I honestly don’t know what’s best and all I can do is to do what feels right for us and our son. I can understand why I have come across as someone who is not patient and some times I do loose my patience with my HF son and I do feel terribly bad about it. I think just as he sometimes just can’t help himself I can’t help loosing my patience at times.
With regards to “excuses” sometimes these are not excuses but simply requirements something a young person simply really needs to function.
I guess what I should be saying is that this young person needs help at school. But is effectively running away from the problem helpful? And once again I’m not trying to be argumentative I genuinely don’t know what’s best. I’m firm believer though in not backing away from problems or difficulties and making changes to the environment or people or what ever might be an issue to help solve it. But would it be better to do all this “behind young persons back” so that they are not emotionally affected?