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ASD, Anxiety, School Refusal and No Help

NAS49976

Hi, My daughter is 9 year old and is currently going through full school refusal, she is extremely anxious and has many OCD and Autistic traits. I have tried all that I can to seek help for her but all professions are making the situation 100x worse. My parenting skills have been questioned and my daughters behaviour has also been questioned - I am an extremely patient and caring person who is a good parent with my daughters health as a main priority, my daughter is having nightmares, nosebleeds, headaches, sore stomachs, feeling sick, can’t get too sleep with worry, gets exceptionally tired both mornings and during the day, doesn’t want to leave the house, would quite happily stay in bed all day if she could and it’s all down to her anxieties about school - I don’t see where anybody can think that this is her misbehaving! 

Since trying to seek help for her, the schools tactics have included being stern with her, ignoring her when she is upset and crying, wanting to take her out of class to do one on one sessions with her and talking to her differently - these strategies may help with some kids but Skye is now feeling singled out, like everyone is treating her differently, she has grown a disliking of her teachers due to them being stern with her and fears that she is going to cry again in class. She struggles with maths so I have asked if she can be put on an easier level until she finds her feet, nothing happened. I asked if we can have a copy of the class weekly Rota to which her teacher agreed, still nothing. I asked if the school could provide me with school work so that when she doesn’t attend school, she is still learning and keeping up with her class, nothing. I also asked for homework on the subjects in which her class have been studying, or even the class schedule again, to prepare her for going back to school Monday - again, nothing! Yet the headteacher keeps on telling me that she will help with anything she can! There is much more that I can vent about here.

As for the doctors, Skye was referred to the paediatrician and to CAHMS, the GP advised me that there was nothing that he could do, it would have to be the paediatrician and they would more than likely prescribe her with some medication. On going to the paediatrician, it turned out that this was a hormonal clinic and that she wouldn’t be covering anything else - this would be CAHMS place (not yet had an app through due to massive waiting list), unfortunately Skye then had to be examined which caused her a lot of upset. So I went back to doctor to seek help as situations were getting a lot worse, I was told I had to bring Skye along - on entering the gps office, he didn’t even look at me and told me in a not so pleasant manner ‘I have told you several times now, there is nothing I can do!’ . I explained that although I appreciated what he was saying, my daughter was in a bad way and needed help yet there is none available and no direction for a parent as to where to turn - school is telling me the doctors and doctors are telling me the school and bad mouthing the system yet nobody is taking notice of my 9 year old daughter who is too anxious to go to school, showing signs of depression and telling me she wishes she was dead! The doctor then started being stern with Skye, asking why she wasn’t at school today and demanding that she went back Monday, he also kept on repeating himself ( I had previously to the doctors, had a successful conversation with Skye and we had school in the bag on Monday, however, due to everyone thinking that being stern with a child is the way to go, it just brought the fear right back to her and we had a terrible night with her, now she is scared for Monday again!! The doctor also thought it be a good idea to forcefully ask her about her suicidal thoughts, in detail!! The poor soul, was disturbed enough by her examination at the paediatrician and now felt pressured and uncomfortable at the gps (the one that I had told her that she could trust as he was my doctor and was lovely) now she is petrified of the doctors! Doesn’t help that the last time she was at gps she needed to get a blood test and she almost passed out. Not what she needed, as I have no idea now how I am going to get her to her CAHMS appointment when it comes through!

Everybody’s input seems to be making everything a million times worse for Skye and I feel that it is my fault for trying to seek help, even Skye herself Blaims me for making the appointments and making her go and wants me to promise I won’t make any more! Same with the school! I don’t understand why I seem to have more understanding of treating a child and how to be mindful of her emotions than what the professionals do. I don’t know where to turn next!

Parents

  • A very difficult and sensitive situation.  And as a school refusal I emphasise more with your daughter than you.

    Things to realise is that children often behave differently at school than they do at home.

    Try to find out from your daughter the underlying reasons why she doesn't want to go to school. And take her seriously. 

    My experiences of early school life were terrible and the solutions were to change schools.  Going back to the same environment just made things worse.

    In primary school I often refused to go back after a period of illness.  Being at home in bed with a cold or flu was like paradise.  The school was a nightmare,  daily physical punishments, not understanding the lessons, unable to communicate with teachers or classmates,  hated PE lessons.  The bullying,  verbal insults, being shunned for being different .

    I often felt like walking under a bus while on my way to school.  

    Finally when I was 9 years old I was sent to a special school,  no more violence,  no formal lessons and kids around me were as emotionally damaged as me. This complete change of environment saved me.

    Sorry for not being more helpful.

  • in reply to Robert124

    Me too Robert, I feel terrible that she is having to go through all of this, on top of other things.

    Skye does behave a lot differently at school than she does at home, this is where the school are misreading things or not picking up on her struggles. 

    Skye is completely out of her comfort zone at school therefore as soon as she comes home she erupts and lets everything she’s been holding in all day out. If something has really upset her at school, you can see that she is about to burst into tears the minute she comes out of school and sees me but she will keep it in and refuse to even talk about what happened until she is completely out of sight from the school and away from anybody associated with the school. 

    She is often very confused as to what she has to do, she sometimes doesn’t understand, she has maybe daydreamed, or when the work is placed in front of her she panics and thinks she can’t do it - mostly maths. She gets upset and scared when teachers shout, although it’s not at her, she feels as though it is - Her current PE Teacher constantly shouts therefore she now can’t stand PE, not to mention she gets really out of breathe at PE and says she struggles. She doesn’t like change and has new teachers helping out now, ones who don’t know her and that she would not do anything bad at school in fear that she would get in to trouble - they have been jumping to conclusions in class and she has been getting rows from them assuming things that she hasn’t even done which is knocking her confidence. She has trouble reading the tones of people’s voices and thinks they don’t like her or are getting on at her, she is socially awkward, she would rather be by herself at break time than make the first move with her friends, she is outspoken with them and doesn’t know how to interact properly. There are so many factors that make her anxious about school and she begs me to be home schooled. 

    I also had a phobia of school when I was a teenager but as you said, moving school was the best thing that ever happened to me. I would move her in a second if it would help but Unfortunately, this does not seem to be the best thing for Skye. I have asked her but she has said that she would be too scared to start a new school and have no friends. Her big sister is still at school in p7 also and although she is leaving for high school next year, Skye relies on Kasey just being there.

    Sorry to hear of your experiences as a child, I really appreciate you sharing.

  • in reply to NAS49976

    Your situation may be different, so don't be offended.

    But in my case, my parents made my school situation worse.  We were part of a close knit, ethnic community and I was forced to go a religious Saturday morning school. And that was even worse.  Both my parents had mental health issues with unusual behaviour and hygiene problems.  And I was bullied, shunned, called a f##@##@ spastic,  your dad's a coal miner,  a dustbin man etc etc.

    The point is that parent's lifestyle and behaviour can affect how a child is treated in school by other kids and teachers.

  • in reply to Robert124

    No offence taken at all Robert, i’m Sorry to hear you had to go through that as a child, fortunately this is not the case - I do ofcourse have my faults though, having anxiety and not being very sociable myself, I am however friendly with a lot of the other school parents and still hold a good relationship with the school staff. I do however try my very hardest not to show all of my anxieties and to encourage her to be sociable. She has a sister very close in age so she is never alone, which is also great.

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  • in reply to Robert124

    No offence taken at all Robert, i’m Sorry to hear you had to go through that as a child, fortunately this is not the case - I do ofcourse have my faults though, having anxiety and not being very sociable myself, I am however friendly with a lot of the other school parents and still hold a good relationship with the school staff. I do however try my very hardest not to show all of my anxieties and to encourage her to be sociable. She has a sister very close in age so she is never alone, which is also great.

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