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new - concerned mum friend

NAS49907

 i realise there is a fine line, sometimes, between wanting to help and being overbearing. but my friend is struggling with her son. he is 8 1/2 and only recently diagnosed, still in process of getting his statement finished for funding in school etc. 

now, maybe i'm just wired this way but i guessed he had ASD before she even mentioned this to me. this little boy and my son are in the same class and are besties. they love each other a lot. my son has taken it upon himself to help his friend when he needs it, does not judge or tease and is generally amazing with him. the boy in question will not get into such a state if my son is with him. not wanting to blow my own trumpet too much but this friend mentioned to me the other day 'he makes eye contact with you, do you see?' i'd never even thought about this, but i guess i'm pretty lucky and he obviously trusts me if he will look me in the eye. anyway. 

he is having a hard time at school right now. due to the fact he doesn't have a dedicated TA at the moment, the other class teachers are struggling with his behaviour. there are various things - not coming in after break, having meltdowns in the class, leaving the classroom completely during lessons, disruption etc. this was not a problem in the last acaddemic year so i'm wondering what has changed. my friend is getting calls from the school almost daily because something has happened. it seems they aren't coping with it very well. 

recently, we noticed a few things about the classroom structure and how this gorgeous little boy, who i really care about, is made to sit at his own desk in the corner of the room, away from the other children. he sits here most of the time apparently and i think this may be adding to his anxiety as he's realising he's different. etc. 

she hasn't told him his diagnosis, although i have encouraged her to do so. i know i can't force her, this is just my opinion and she knows i will defer to her and support her in whatever decision she makes. 

what am i trying to say? i want to help, but i know i can't go wading in there, guns blazing. what is acceptable here? help!

  • in reply to Sunflower

    completely understand the whole loneliness vs. solitude thing. i quite like being by myself a lot of the time too! 

    it may be he's expected to be more independent and he doesn't know how. but (as i say above) he is a very social child, kind, loving, generous. he will always give cuddles. (although, the reverse of this is that he maybe doesn't understand boundaries very well and people may not always want a cuddle)

    the teachers have a hard job, i know. hopefully, once his statement is finished he will get funding for a full time TA, fingers crossed!

    my mum works with adults with learning difficulties (yes, i know adult situations are different) and she couldn't understand the desk in the corner thing. she suggested that it could be there as a place for him to retreat to when he's feeling overwhelmed, rather than it be a constant thing. in this way he can learn how to self-regulate. i don't know!

  • in reply to NAS39248

    thank you. i can see both sides of the coin with the classroom thing. but it seems that whatever they do, he gets upset/angry/anxious. 

    he is surprisingly social and loves to play with the other children but, of course, he doesn't always know what to do when presented with someone else's 'rules' or ideas for games. so, in my opinion, if he wants to be social, why separate him? but i know it is hard for the teachers to know what to do for the best. 

  • NAS49907 said:
    i'm wondering what has changed. my friend is getting calls from the school almost daily because something has happened. it seems they aren't coping with it very well. 

    As children get older the pressures on them become greater - they are expected to take more responsibility at school - this might be a factor in the upsets. The lack of an TA to help minimise confusion and enable communication may also be a factor.

    I absolutely love sitting on my own and I prefer the corner of the room as I am less distracted by other people. Solitude for me is very different to loneliness. I am perfectly happy eating alone in a restaurant or cafe,  the problem is other people feeling they have to keep me company!

    As a child I quite liked being different to others and that has continued into adult life. The only time when it is a problem is when that difference is presented or perceived as being 'bad' in some way. 

    The question of when to explain the diagnosis to a child is complex and diffcult as it depends on so many factors. It is a hard condition to understand at any age.

    It is great that this child seems to trust you and I can understand why you feel such a strong need to help in some way. As a parent it is often difficult to accept direct advice, however well intentioned.

    Maybe the best thing to do is to sow seeds very gently "I wonder if it might help x if y happened" or  "I read somewhere that autistic children sometimes benefit from z" 

    Your son's friendship sounds like a really positive thing for this child too. 

  • Your friend is lucky to have your support, school may have separated him to try and ease any anxiety he feels about being around others to try and give him a quiet area. But In doing so they seem to have inadvertently made him more anxious maybe she should talk to the school and find out the reason for separation? And if it clearly isn't working maybe they could try alternative methods. Your friend should check out the education pages on this site. There is alot of info about rights but also information she can pass on to the school.