Desperate Need For Help....

This is a last resort for me, I have been struggling with my son for as long as I can remember, I am at my last tether with him, so I was hoping if I was to post about him and his behaviours here then you might be able to tell me if I am barking up the wrong tree or not.

I have 3 boys and currently pregnant with number 4, the son I am having trouble with his my middle child who is 5 years old. He is completely unmanageable and unruly at home but apparently an absolute angel at school, literally polar opposites.

I have done numerous parenting courses including 1,2,3 magic which i was told if it doesn't work and the child doesn't respond then there is something wrong. The method works for my 7 year old and my 2 year old.

I went in to my sons school last September (2017) and spoke to the school SENCO when he first started school to get some help as I knew that my youngest child would start to copy his behaviours, they didn't seem to want to know initially so after speaking with them on a couple more occasions and finally writing a crisis letter to the head teacher I finally got myself a TAF meeting in June. They were meant to send "pathways" off in July but they have yet to do this. (I have been told that the TAF is a legal document and they need to abide by it)

The school don't see any issues with my sons behaviour which really infuriates me as I cannot see how he can be the way he is at home but be completely the opposite at school, surely he would show at least some signs. 

As I said above I have been struggling for a long time with my son, easily the last 3 years and it is only getting worse as the days go by. I have done my own research as any mother would and I feel as though he may have some form of autism, I know that it is a broad spectrum disorder. My brother in law is severely autistic and my own brother has Asperger's, I have read autism is genetic.

So the same sort of things happen on a daily basis;

  • My son will generally be more unmanageable when we get back from school as if he is releasing a valve, he will run riot around the house.
  • He tends to thrive on routine a weekend will be a lot worse as we have no real set routine.
  • My son is obsessed/revolves around food, I don't know if this is because he can guarantee that he will always be fed, in regards to it being a routine, or if that it is just an obsession.
  • He doesn't seem to understand the concept of time, he will ask when his dinner is ready I will say 10 minutes or at 5 O'Clock and he will have a melt down because he wants it now and doesn't understand that he has to wait for it to cook. We have shown him the clock and what numbers to look for but he just cant quite grasp it. Even if we manage to get him on time out he will constantly ask when his time is up despite having a timer on.
  • One of the main issues we have is violence and aggression; my son is very violent and aggressive, if given a toy by his younger brother that he doesn't want he will throw it across the room in anger, he cant seem to express himself that he doesn't want that one he would like a different one. He will hit, punch and pinch his brothers sometimes for no reason other than because he can. He has lashed out at myself and his father too.
  • He is also threatening, and will threaten to hit or hurt his brothers, he has been know to threaten with knives. He will say things like I will cut your throat or stab you. I have hidden all knives and can't even give him a child's knife with his dinner.
  • My son will say hurtful things to myself and his brothers: he hates us, mummy is dead etc
  • If not getting his own way he will scratch at furniture and pull at things with his teeth
  • He is impulsive, he will randomly shout out while eating his dinner, randomly scream while playing for no reason, pull his pants down and flash his bum again for no reason other than because that is what he wants to do.
  • He breaks new toys within 24 hours even if they are not his, he has recently broken something of mine and didn't own up to it until i found it. he has chewed his bunk bed and taken all the paint off it with his teeth.
  • He has no patients, he cannot wait for things and wants it now
  • Recently its becoming a real issue getting him to bed, he will argue with us and refuse to go, on 2 occasions it has taken us 2 hours or more to get him to settle down with him screaming and shouting. His dad will get him up the stairs but he will find a way past him and get back down again.. we do have stair gates but he can open them and climb over them (we have taken the down stairs one off as it became more dangerous to have it on with him climbing it) he also gets up early every morning no matter what time that he goes to bed, he is always up about 5/6am and refuses to go back to his bed. once he his up he expects everyone else to get up with him.
  • He doesn't seem to have much of an attention span or imagination, I feel he finds it hard to engage and play with his brothers. He waits for there lead he cannot instigate playing. when he does play its not for a long time, he will soon get bored. On the rare occasion I let him on his tablet he will constantly ask to change the game or change the game constantly.
  • My son doesn't make eye contact and you can see that his eyes are constantly looking around (his eyes are fine we have regular optician appointments)
  • He shows no remorse for his actions, he wont apologise for his actions, when he hurts his brothers or breaks something
  • He asks me the same questions every day, asks if his shoes are on the right feet every day (he knows which is which) 
  • We have a calm before the storm, we can have a good day with him where he is manageable and not so unruly but then we will have an even worse day the next day
  • My son will smirk, smile and laugh when he knows he has done wrong or is doing something wrong, he cant seem to help himself.
  • He refuses to do most things i ask him to do, e.g put your jumper on for school, i get told no. please help your brothers tidy, no. etc
  • He constantly has to have something in his mouth, he is always chewing something (i have bought him "chewelry") he would rather chew something he isn't meant to chew.
  • He appears to be sociable, but i noted while in the shops in the summer holidays he came across a friend from school who said hi, my son turned around and said "I'm not speaking to you as i don't remember your name" he then went on to ignore him when we saw him again leaving the store. i felt this was a pretty inappropriate thing to say which spurred me to look into autism as it is something my brother would say.

i appreciate this is long and it is only a very brief outline as he does more and I have so many more examples. I also appreciate the time anyone takes to read this and hopefully can give me some help and advice, i understand he might not have autism as i have looked into a number of different other things too, i was just hoping i could take this with me to my next TAF meeting as some more evidence.

Thank you in advance and feel free to ask me anything if you want to know more about his behaviour.

Parents
  • With regard to Who ever rejecting a referal by your doctor presumably for a more specialised medical opinion as to your sons's behavoirs..Who may in their turn refer your son to a further specialist.  Firstly you should start a paper file to collect refusals such as that.  If it was just a verbal refusal, GET the Persons Name and Position, because you want to make a complaint - Ask what is their complaint's procedure, secondly You have an MP who you can send a copy of any defeating document. You should go back to your overworked Doctor and apologise for having to take up his time further - Then explain Who refused his direct instructions for a referal - This is when the Names of who makes decisions is always useful, even if it on the phone, then get them to spell it so you can record it correctly. Then also record the Time of call. While you should not need to, it would seem it may eventually help, should you write to your MP., or a complaints system.

    What you really want is not to have to complain in the first place.

    I personally can only remember only a few events when 5 years old, possible fearful or stressful at the time.

    Your Son and Yourself's relation ship is visibly changing to him, and I expect another brother or sister will put him further from the attention he seeks from you, You write as it is just you caring for your Children most of the time, try to encourage his father to help you if possible. That will of course be extremely difficult for you and he probably can pick up on that.

    Yes he is going to be active after school, This is normal behavoir. Your perception of it is: what is, or not normal, bearing in mind of collision with yourself.being pregnant.

    Well he is only 5 and obviously hungry, Firstly why not try to have tea ready to serve if requested the Childrens food 10 miniutes earlier .

    10 minutes can be a lifetine to a normal 5 year old never mind a possibly handicapped child, it may seem as punishment for no reason..

    To use expresions like he will cut his brothers throat or stab someone is not normal, This is environmental, He has picked up this expression from others he may nor realise its true meaning. This is not normal for a 5 year old, to have access to such words You should try and identify - where he would hear it. in the first place..

    Flashing his backside :My autistic son has done this He Copies it from Bart Simpson. It is to get a reaction. and the more bizzare your reaction is a bonus.

    His reaction to a 'friend" and the reason why he wont speak to him. to me is autistic behavour. He has been told "Not to speak to strangers"..

    Start from the Doctor.

  • I got a letter rejection from the hospital stating that he needed referral from school not directly from the GP as he is now of school age, the GP did put she had concerns of ADHD on the form as she needed to put something to warrant the referral, at this time we hadn't done much research so were unsure as to what direction to take. we are now much more aware of my sons behaviours after doing a diary for the last 6 months.

    My son gets more attention than my 7 year old and my 2 year old. So i do not feel its a case of attention any more, this has been going on for many years now. Yes I am the main carer as my husband works from about 6am to 6pm everyday. Most days he comes home and puts my son straight to bed because he is completely unmanageable (he puts him to bed at my request, as my son refuses when i ask and we just cannot cope with his behaviour, bed is the safest place for him, its not a punishment)

    As for being active after school i am fully aware of this (doesn't explain why he is the same in the mornings though), I'm not a first time mother. We walk home from school which is a good 15 minute walk which helps him burn off some energy, his behaviour is to the extreme, i would not be fighting for help if it was just a bit of bouncing around, he is literally bouncing off walls, shouting and screaming at the top of his lungs, jumping on the furniture, hurting his brothers etc. 

    it is very hard to describe and i imagine its hard to understand if you don't actually experience it.

    My son asks for dinner during the walk home from school, i physically cannot have his dinner ready for that time, i start his dinner the minute i get in from school. It isn't a case of being hungry, i will offer him some fruit to tide him over and he refuses, he if was hungry he would eat that surely?! i have given him a snack when we get in to tide him over and that doesn't stop or help with the kick offs. i have found its more of a control thing, he hasn't got the control that he wants over it so kicks off.

    I agree with you that his extreme violent behaviours is due to environmental factors but its certainly not from our home and he doesn't go anywhere else. He knows exactly what he is saying because he does the actions too (i would like to add he has never hurt anybody as we nipped this in the bud.) he will build guns and swords with Lego like all little boys would but you can see the malice and intent in his face, whereas i watch my other 2 children do the same and you can genuinely see they are in play.

    I feel I need to justify myself and i shouldn't have to, i was simply asking for advice so that i could take it with me to my next TAF meeting to get the school to actually listen to me. i am a good mother and that shows in the behaviours of my eldest and my youngest who actually respond to my parenting techniques and respond to all the things i have implemented like reward charts etc. i have done numerous parenting courses and have literally done and tried everything that has been suggested to me. i have been in touch with a nursery nurse (a trained professional not a person from a nursery) for the last 6 years who has always been there to offer support and guidance. The school have praised me on how well i do and they cannot fathom or understand why he doesn't respond to me.

    As i said in my original post that is just an outline, i cannot put in every little thing he does, i have a diary of over 6 months with exactly the same behaviours day in, day out and they are just getting worse.

Reply
  • I got a letter rejection from the hospital stating that he needed referral from school not directly from the GP as he is now of school age, the GP did put she had concerns of ADHD on the form as she needed to put something to warrant the referral, at this time we hadn't done much research so were unsure as to what direction to take. we are now much more aware of my sons behaviours after doing a diary for the last 6 months.

    My son gets more attention than my 7 year old and my 2 year old. So i do not feel its a case of attention any more, this has been going on for many years now. Yes I am the main carer as my husband works from about 6am to 6pm everyday. Most days he comes home and puts my son straight to bed because he is completely unmanageable (he puts him to bed at my request, as my son refuses when i ask and we just cannot cope with his behaviour, bed is the safest place for him, its not a punishment)

    As for being active after school i am fully aware of this (doesn't explain why he is the same in the mornings though), I'm not a first time mother. We walk home from school which is a good 15 minute walk which helps him burn off some energy, his behaviour is to the extreme, i would not be fighting for help if it was just a bit of bouncing around, he is literally bouncing off walls, shouting and screaming at the top of his lungs, jumping on the furniture, hurting his brothers etc. 

    it is very hard to describe and i imagine its hard to understand if you don't actually experience it.

    My son asks for dinner during the walk home from school, i physically cannot have his dinner ready for that time, i start his dinner the minute i get in from school. It isn't a case of being hungry, i will offer him some fruit to tide him over and he refuses, he if was hungry he would eat that surely?! i have given him a snack when we get in to tide him over and that doesn't stop or help with the kick offs. i have found its more of a control thing, he hasn't got the control that he wants over it so kicks off.

    I agree with you that his extreme violent behaviours is due to environmental factors but its certainly not from our home and he doesn't go anywhere else. He knows exactly what he is saying because he does the actions too (i would like to add he has never hurt anybody as we nipped this in the bud.) he will build guns and swords with Lego like all little boys would but you can see the malice and intent in his face, whereas i watch my other 2 children do the same and you can genuinely see they are in play.

    I feel I need to justify myself and i shouldn't have to, i was simply asking for advice so that i could take it with me to my next TAF meeting to get the school to actually listen to me. i am a good mother and that shows in the behaviours of my eldest and my youngest who actually respond to my parenting techniques and respond to all the things i have implemented like reward charts etc. i have done numerous parenting courses and have literally done and tried everything that has been suggested to me. i have been in touch with a nursery nurse (a trained professional not a person from a nursery) for the last 6 years who has always been there to offer support and guidance. The school have praised me on how well i do and they cannot fathom or understand why he doesn't respond to me.

    As i said in my original post that is just an outline, i cannot put in every little thing he does, i have a diary of over 6 months with exactly the same behaviours day in, day out and they are just getting worse.

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