New to all this and feeling rather overwhelmed

Tutts,

I am new to this as well.  While I am relieved that sometime in the near future, my son may be getting the support he needs, what my future holds with him is overwhelming.

I think it is only natural to feel a bit lost and frustrated with the difficulties you face; shouting is just one way that the wild combination of feelings you may be coping with gets released (I think, anyway).  One thing that my friend whose son has PDD-NOS told me was to always remember that you shouldn't dwell on moments like that, because they do sometimes happen.

If you are doing all the reading and writing on here, you obviously care a great deal about your son and are doing everything you can to help him.  That is so much more than some parents. 

Hopefully we can help each other through these times.  Don't let yourself get too overwhelmed!

K x

hi sunnyville.  I don't think there's really an answer to that.  The question is : what caused the tantrum?  If you can suss that out then you have a much better chance of avoiding a tantrum relating to that issue in the future.  We always think of young children when we mention tantrums.  Adults with autism can have "meltdowns" if things get really difficult for them.  My opinion is that tantrums can often be dismissed as irritating + trivial by the general non-asd population.  I think having a "tantrum" when you have asd is much less trivial because the asd is involved.  I think the emotional pain can be greater + is sometimes accompanied by physical reactions when adrenalin starts flowing which adds to the angst.

At what age can we say is suitable for a child to stop having regular tantrums at school?

Ettie said:

Our youngest son has just been diagnosed with Aspergers and although it is not a surprise, it has been a very emotional time. Seeing him struggle in situations and other children and adults not really understanding, only judging me as a bad mother makes it very difficult. My husband is in complete denial so it feels very lonely at the moment hence chatting to people here. It is so hard not to take it as a personal reflection on my parenting, is it my fault? Have I not provided enough experiences? etc etc! I hope now to move forward, get support in place and learn lots more from books and websites such as this. The Drs involved have been amazing and supportive and wonderful, they made the diagnosis so kindly and gave so many places of reference for me to call upon. So now I try to begin moving forward...

im sorry your husband is in denial ettie and leaving you to go though this on your own

NO its not your fault, its just something that happens, and the medical and scientific experts dont even know why or how so you cant be talking blame for something no-one knows 

nice to see another rare positive story where your health proffessionals have been helpful for you and your family

i hope your husband finds a way to deal with it soon so you can both move on 

Our youngest son has just been diagnosed with Aspergers and although it is not a surprise, it has been a very emotional time. Seeing him struggle in situations and other children and adults not really understanding, only judging me as a bad mother makes it very difficult. My husband is in complete denial so it feels very lonely at the moment hence chatting to people here. It is so hard not to take it as a personal reflection on my parenting, is it my fault? Have I not provided enough experiences? etc etc! I hope now to move forward, get support in place and learn lots more from books and websites such as this. The Drs involved have been amazing and supportive and wonderful, they made the diagnosis so kindly and gave so many places of reference for me to call upon. So now I try to begin moving forward...

Tutts said:

Sounds like we are in a very similar boat, or rather out of the boat and drowning in a sea of literature. My little fella had another tantrum yesterday  because we wouldn't let him go in the spare room which we keep locked because it is our dumping ground. Gave him big bear hugs till he eventually calmed down. I managed to keep calm and not get myself worked up into a panic this time.   I asked the question on here after I spoke to out Paediatrician, she recommended this site, I just don't want to feel like such a failure. While I've been typing this my little fella has justgiven me a big kiss, moments like this remind me I'm not useless or a failure. Isla's mummy hang in there sure we will be thrown a lifeline soon. 

you are NOT a faliure, in no way are you a faliure just because your new to dealing with an autistic child

it takes time, and as you can see there are a lot of people on here and on the net in general who have been doing this a long time who STILL need help and have their  bad days, 

you being calm is a brilliant help, not easy i know, but if your son has echopraxia and or echoalia, he could be mimicing/mirroring your stress and frustration, so the calmer you are , the more you might see a difference in his reactions

Tutts said:

My 3 1/2 year old son was diagnosed in May and I feel I am drowning in literature and nothing is sinking in. Bit of practical advice needed. How can I calm him down while he is having a tantrum. How do I deal with him when he is being 'naughty'. I totally list it and shouted at him the other day, felt bad straight away, I know I shouldn't but had got to the endoff my tether. 

i dont have much in the way of advice, having no kids myself,

but i just wanna say, its totally ok to lose it every so often, its a damn stressful issue when you cant understand what they want, they dont understand what you want and no one is happy, so dont beat yourself up, my partner and i have had countless problems because i forgot to be a 'certain way' and then i lost my temper, or didnt explain myself, 

no one expects you to be perfect, you just do your best

like stranger says sensory issues can cause an autistic to 'act out'

they usually find it more difficult to cope with certain noisies/touches/lights , and on the positive side of that, there are certain noises/touches/sounds that they might like , so you just have to figure it all out (and there is that really hard part especailly if your child doesnt talk very much and cant express what the problem is)

basically you have to think backto what was gong on before he had a tantrum, and what happend when he began, and try to work it out from that

Hi Tutts,

I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed by all the information, it must be very hard taking it all in as well as looking after your son. It might help to talk to one of our NAS helpline advisers. You can talk things through with them and they will be able to suggest approaches for difficult situations. The number is 0808 800 4104, and it's free from landlines and most mobiles. The helpline is open 10am-4pm, Monday to Friday.

We also have a helpline run by parent volunteers who have children with autism, which you might find helpful, my little Isla. It's called 'Parent to Parent', and there's more information about how it works on the website here:

http://www.autism.org.uk/Our-services/Advice-and-information-services/Parent-to-Parent-Service.aspx

I hope you can both get some support and answers soon.

philippab - mod

Sounds like we are in a very similar boat, or rather out of the boat and drowning in a sea of literature. My little fella had another tantrum yesterday  because we wouldn't let him go in the spare room which we keep locked because it is our dumping ground. Gave him big bear hugs till he eventually calmed down. I managed to keep calm and not get myself worked up into a panic this time.   I asked the question on here after I spoke to out Paediatrician, she recommended this site, I just don't want to feel like such a failure. While I've been typing this my little fella has justgiven me a big kiss, moments like this remind me I'm not useless or a failure. Isla's mummy hang in there sure we will be thrown a lifeline soon. 

Im out of my depth too. I dont know how to deal with her when she behaves inappropriately as nothing seems to sink in with Isla. She gets very tired after preschool so I have to take the buggy and she is far too big for it as she is a big nearly 4yr old who also wants her dummy. She is adorable and I love her so much. It breaks my heart to see her struggle and behave the way she does. I dont know what to do or how Im supposed to deal with things. I have been given a great book from the Autistic society but I am so busy with Isla or exhausted from her that I dont get a chance to read it. I wish I could chat to parents in the same boat who could give me tips and advice who understand where Im coming from. I wish I was able to help her but I dont feel that I can at the moment. I feel quite useless  :(((

Do you know why he has a tantrum? Sensory overload, etc.