Published on 12, July, 2020
I was due to go abroad with my son who is 13 and has a diagnosis of ASD. The day before our flight I was packing and checking everything was in order when I discovered his passport was missing. I knew without question that it had been in the same place for the last week plus but now it was nowhere to be found. I ripped my bedroom apart, searched my whole house and asked my son if he knew where it was. Told me he didn't know, hadn't seen it and hadn't even known where it was.
Other family members came and searched my house, top to bottom. We searched in the sheds outside, in the garden and any other place we could think of. I was sobbing, begging him to tell me if he knew anything and he still said he didn't.
Having missed the flight and not able to get a replacement passport for at least a week holiday was cancelled.
His passport was then found under a hedge, as far back as it could have been, in a place already checked.
I have looked at every possible person it could have been but there were only 2 other very slim possibilities - 4yr old grandson but he wouldn't have been able to reach to put it where it was and wasn't alone anyway or my 20yr old daughter who doesn't live with me but had been at my house and had no reason to ruin our holiday.
I know in my heart and head it was my son but he's categorically denying it and gets angry that I don't believe him. I don't honestly know what to do because I feel he needs to acknowledge his actions and the consequences of them.
It was only me and him going on holiday, it wasn't all of my children. He actually likes holidays, loves the beach, the sea, messing around in the pool. Holidays in Cornwall and France have always been fine with him. The difference with this holiday was the fact we were flying.
I have told him that I don't believe him when he says it wasn't him that hid it and have explained that I've looked at all other possibilities before coming to the conclusion I have. He also knows that people are upset and annoyed with him but I've said nobody hates him, that they're allowed to be upset.
When I read the post it did get the impression that you need to consider holidays without him in future. Although you might want the big family holidays abroad if he struggles with these then I do think it would be sensible for you to trial if you can enjoy these things without him being there. It is ok to have holidays without all of your children together. As an autistic individual I hate holidays, I dislike the change in routine, the different food etc. I used to go before I had an AS diagnosis but was faking my enjoyment the whole time.
This is just my perspective but if you were my mum I'd rather you be honest with me. i'd like you to point out the occasions when I tripped up and state that you do believe I hid the passport and yes people are angry because of X, Y and Z but family's stick together and its time to move forward and look at ways you can avoid this upset in future. Coudl you work together to make a list of the things he dislikes about holidays and then figure out a plan forward. For example, if he does secretly hate holidays as much as I do, would the odd night away in the UK be better?
Thank you for your reply.
It was me and a friend who found the passport under the hedge.
I've already had a calm chat with him about future holidays (we've been to France before but that was me driving and using the tunnel - this one would have been on a plane) and he's adamant that he'd go on a plane and that he wasn't worried about that despite telling someone else that he'd been nervous at the idea of flying.
When we've been talking about it and he's got angry he's kind of tripped up by saying a couple of things that point to it being him without him realising.
I just want him to be honest with me but am aware that he's 'stuck in the lie' and doesn't see things the way I do which makes conversation difficult if it's not a subject he wants to discuss.
He's worried that all his family hate him because of it but I've said no one hates him, they're just unhappy with what's happened. I'm a single parent (his dad, my ex, died 3 years ago) and I have 3 older children (in their 20s but all with my late ex). My dad had paid for the bulk of the holiday and, despite my older brother being ASD and having learning difficulties, cannot see past the fact my holiday has been ruined. My sister is also angry at him and they're saying I should have gone on my own and left him home with others to look after (never a consideration for me). But for me, it was OUR holiday and it makes me sad that they can't see that he must have been so scared or worried to have done what he did.
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It seems likely that your son was 'stuck' in a lie, but accusations aren't getting anywhere. I suppose any other conversation should be at a more comfortable time. I'd suggest you probably don't want to start by emphasising the consequences, which he's probably feeling guilty about already (assuming of course it wasn't anybody else like a partner or whoever found the passport). Is there any way of asking in a neutral way what he feels about holidays abroad, or if there's something he wants to do at home? You've lost out a lot, but what do you worry are the consequences of his not acknowledging his actions?