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Separated Dads, Shared parenting and Autism

Twin dad

Dear Community,  I am looking for advice on parenting plans for my twins, one with Asd and the other going through assessment, aged 7 for an up and coming welfare hearing at court.  The children have been used to living in 2 homes for many years now and I have had shared care. I have been separated from my ex wife for 4 years now and diagnosis of my daughter came this year. I suspected 4 years ago about my daughter and had to fight my ex, social services, school and Camhs that her behaviour is not due to my parenting which I was accused by my ex wife but a condition.  My ex has been very acrimonious to me and she has made some horrendous accusations which has dragged us through the courts and she has involved social services at every opportunity. I have had shared care for a number of years and been right about my daughter which all professionals are now coming around now to helping her. My daughter is an anxious child but she seems ok with transistions between familiar environments and ofcourse I have a son who doesn’t have an issue. I was the parent who recognised the needs of the children first and I was the parent who went on countless courses and read books on Asd and the other parent still seems to lag behind in acceptance or even employing strategies that professionals recommend. I have been advised that potentially the children are best suited in my care as the other parent can never agree and this has delayed their medical support. I could literally write a blog or book or all my experiences with all concerned and the right of being a father who just understood which was needed for my children. There isn’t a lot about fathers with autistic children and there should be, we care just as much as the other sex but do not get recognised by professional authorities as such. It’s just as hard for us as any mother with autistic children and have the same dilemmas and frustations in managing two very needy children. I want shared care and My ex is telling people now there should be no or less contact due to my daughters autism. I really need to understand if there are other parents out there with shared care of autistic children and how it works so I can present that I want to be involved just as much as my ex in the upbringing of my childs life’s and welfare. 

  • Twin dad said:
    My ex is telling people now there should be no or less contact due to my daughters autism.

    But that really makes no sense to me, because from what you have said your children have had shared contact for years now, so actually a change in this would be more likely to cause difficulties for your daughter than no change at all.

    I am not a parent, but I have ASD (as does my brother) and we had shared contact with our father from very early childhood. As this was something we were accustomed to, and our parents were civil over the matter, it never caused either of us any significant added difficulties due to the ASD. The only slight issue was perhaps that my father was not too forgiving to some of my traits when I was younger, but I was not diagnosed at that point and he has improved since my diagnosis. So on that basis, with you having been the parent pushing to get your daughter diagnosis and support, if anything you would be best placed to help and support her in my mind.

    Most of all in matters like this though, it is important to take into account what the children themselves want and of course always keep in mind what is best for them. It is all too easy for parents to become acrimonious after separations as you describe, and to effectively use their parents as weapons, but this is not healthy for either themselves or the children! I can only suggest that if your partner is being this way then you highlight this, giving examples, to the relevant powers that be and don’t retaliate in the same manner. This way, at least you’re not providing any ammunition in that sense for it to be argued that you should not have involvement with your children, and it will highlight that your partner is not putting the children and their needs first (in which case it would make little sense to have children fully or mainly in her care).