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explaining to your child

LisaLQ

Hi folks,

I'm Lisa - and I have 5 children; two teenage daughters, and triplet 9 year olds.

Joe is one of the triplets, and we've just started the process of getting him assessed for Aspergers.  He's not been referred yet, my GP wants to wait til he hears from the ed psych from his old school (we moved areas in January).

Joe's ed psych report was that he was having no issues in school, so they had no reason to diagnose him, and if we believed he needed a diagnosis, we should go through the GP.  This was 2 years ago, and at the time I was still married and we decided that the issues weren't that much of a problem that he needed diagnosis.

I split with my hubby in December/January, he was very domineering with Joe, an emotional bully, and also an alcoholic, so it wasn't a good environment for the kids and I made the choice to leave and divorce.

Since I left, Joe's behaviour has got steadily worse.  He is constantly looking at road maps, or google earth, to get ideas of where he is.  He's obsessed about germs (but hates baths?!), but most concern is about his anger issues.  He's gone from simple tantrums to screaming kicking, punching his siblings, threatening to kill people, and all his nervous tics are back with a vengeance.  All it takes is one change to routine (being late for the bus, going to school via the shop etc) and he either gets inconsolably sad/tears, or very angry.  I simply can't control it at the moment.  

The new school agreed that he might have aspergers and to get him diagnosed, and we have their full backing.

I've been to the GP, who said I had to give him more discipline (there's only so much you CAN do, I'm ashamed to say he's had a smacked bum on more than one occasion recently, and it makes no difference -I send him to his room and he wrecks his siblings belongings and comes straight back down again - doesn't matter how often you put him back) and then suggested that it was due to the divorce - which is fair enough, it's a stressful time for everyone.

Anyhoo - the GP is referring him as soon as he gets the ed psych report back - which could be weeks.  My issue is that, despite going without Joe to the doctors - the GP said he HAD to see him, so we had to go together today.  And instead of letting Joe leave the room, he went on to talk about it in front of him.  I now have a confused boy who doesn't realise why he needs a psychologist.

Can anyone help me find the right words to explain to him what's going on, and that he's done nothing wrong, and he's not sick?

Thanks

Lisa

xx

  • A point about controlling his behaviour:

    KaloJaro mentioned, but only passing, being rewarded for positive behaviour (i.e. taking new routes to places) - as well as reinforcing positive behaviour, this approach can be used to control negative behaviours - essentially by rewarding a positive behaviour, instead of punishing for a negative behaviour, you disincentivise him away from the negative behaviours and incentivise him towards the positive behaviours.

    Depending on his age and cognitive abilities, it may be worth having a chart on which instances of positive behaviour can be recorded (you may also find this useful yourself in order to keep track of his behaviours and to reward him appropriately).

  • Just to add to the above - don't make it out to be something really bad.

  • A lot of my Aspergers symptoms came out when I was about ten, when my parents divorced, but because of the divorce, everyone passed it off as just that, that I was struggling to cope and I'd get over it.

    I got diagnosed seven years later when ocd symptoms were getting out of control and taking over my life, that was when the psychologist at CAHMs suggested I might have Aspergers, I was diagnosed within the year.

    Try explaining to Joe that everyone needs help with different things, some people might be really good at something but will need help with something else. 

    Since my dad left/was kicked out he remarried and I chose to never see him again (was emotionally bullied, overlooked, forced to act and dress in only certain ways that eventually forced me into depression), I became extremely nervous about going to new places, to date, I still won't go anywhere new without my mum. Since then I was given a phone with Google maps on to encourage me to try and find different routes to go to the same places, and mum tries to reward me when I do (ice cream or a chocolate bar, small things but still reinforce the positive values of breaking the routine and exploring).

    I think the thing you need to get Joe to understand is that if theres anything hes upset or angry about, he should come up to you at a certain time of the day and 'rant' or talk about it. With me, this stops me internalising all my problems untl they build up into a massive meltdown which can be triggered by my sibling simply stepping too close.

    My advice about explaining Aspergers is to look online at all the positive side of the condition, and find all the best things about your son. Place emphasis on how valuble these things are then explain that getting diagnosed with Aspergers just means he'll be getting a little more help with the things he struggles with.

    Also, warning about the GPs, most of them have no clue about Aspergers or anything to do with autism, I visited a GP, mentioned my diagnosis (increased stess at the time had something to do with visiting the doctors in the first place) then she completely ignored all my questions unless they were repeated by my mum, and only then were they answered. Sadly for many, a lot of GPs don't take mental health that seriously, so put pressure on them to be refered to somewhere like CAHMs, who are specialised in this sort of thing.

    Good luck.