I am reaching burnout I think and am seeking help.
Been with my AS partner now on 10 years and it is just getting harder and harder. When I look for help and advice all I seem to come across is bitter people that have left. And I do understand that, dont get me wrong.
He was diagnosed early on in the piece. I think being with me at that stage gave him the grounding to seek out a why he is like he is.
In that time we have done all the things you shouldnt do lol! Major surgery for him, the diagnosis, death of his father, chronic illness for me, no real work from him as he has been finding his path. Moved in together and well things have just progressively got worse and worse.
Because we really are living on a very low income - well that doesn't help. I came into this with my own business which he joined and has slowly taken over. Now that is just a bone of contention as it is, and I, who has often kept us slightly afloat. I have tried to be lenient and forgiving, but all i get from him is the connection it has from my past, and how I constantly amaze him with what I don't know. I did the best with what I could and I think I did it darn well - considering I was left high and dry without a paddle! I do say all the time how his knowledge has added to it and that I am grateful for that, but I do not get anything positive in return from him about it. I did also have another 2 businesses which have now been shut down as they have been deemed unsuitable and unviable to run. Mainly because we moved into the country. But all things always have to run to his protocol to be deemed worthy, and that is never easy.
That is one thing i have real issues with now - he has such high standards for everything - especially me, but somehow it does not relate to him at all. I am trying to get my own thing off the ground again now, but it is constantly judged and I feel like i am doing everything
Because he has never had real support I have truly tried to be so supportive, which has at times not been easy and has left us where we are now.
When we met, he was easy going, calm and caring - now he is mostly depressed and very very angry. I am quite empathic and feel the venom that comes from him oh so often. Yes I get it - more bad things have happened with the failure of him going into the direction he had studied for (didn't pan out as he had thought) he lost the connection to the rest of his family now as well, and now he has been diagnosed with cancer - just to name a few things :-(
So he is constantly overwhelmed - I get that. But after 3 years of crap, total meltdowns on his side that has left me an emotional wreck - well I don't know what to do anymore.
Everynow and then I get little glimpses of how he used to be.
It seems to me that I am a constant trigger now. Or he totally ignores me. Doesn't answer at all a lot of the times. Mind you he can be caring and affectionate with our 'kids', so it is there somewhere.
So yes I too am overwhelmed - what do i do? I know this sounds pretty defeated and sad, and that is just so not me.