Hello just been catching up on the discussions here and thought I would first ask a sleep related question and then fill in with my experiences throughout my life.
Does anyone here have difficulty in the whole concept of sleeping? I know that is a strange way of phrasing it but in my mind it seems like sleep is something we have to do wether we feel the need or not.
I am self diagnosed and fifty four years old, Here are some random things about my thoughts on sleep! Sorry to be random but trying to organise it all and then make sure it is correct and in order of relevance would take me hours.
As a very young child I remember feeling unwell with tummy ache, We all went up to bed but I couldn't sleep so crept downstairs to sit in a comfy chair, my mum came down and said"come on you can get in our bed where I can look after you" . I didn't want to but said nothing, I remember being between mum and dad and being very hot and dead straight and stiff as a board not daring to breath even in case I woke them, I also hated the thought of bodily contact.I had recurring nightmares after that.
I still cannot bear others body heat,even my wife's body heat and just her breathing I find distressing,
I had nightmares when very young which start with the sound of my heart beat when my head hits the pillow then me walking along a never ending corridor,I walk along it and my speed increases and the walls narrow, the ceiling and floor narrow as well, the feeling of being squeezed starts but it just gets tighter and tighter until the point where I am so small it goes black,the pressure is so immense I'm crushed beyond belief, I then wake up heart pounding and sweating. I don't get hurt in the dream despite it all.
I cannot accept the ritual of getting ready for bed and never have,If I do I just lay there getting more and more upset and frustrated, My brain goes into over drive,every little sound brings a new thought, I think about everything and analyse it,I cannot lay my head on the pillow ear down as my heartbeat is so very loud and the nightmare starts.If it's lights out and dark then oh my word my eyes start seeing flashes of non stop objects and images of the whole of life.
I seldom feel tired and in my mind sleeping is a wasteful time when things could be done.I also feel safe at night when I'm awake(like now)because I'm on my own and all the chaos of life has stopped.yes I enjoy being on my own no one to answer too,no demands on me,my true free time or stolen time that is extra.
When younger to fall asleep I would read or have headphones on listening to the radio and just drift off,I would raise my legs up in bed and fight to keep them up until it got painful,then very slowly lower them,a chemical release would help me relax enough to sleep.feel I need background noise to stop my brain! I have to turn the volume very low or I would get interested in what's going on. I now sleep downstairs on my own with The tv on,I never remember falling asleep it just happens.
My brain doesn't seem to want to switch off,I cannot convince it too.As I get older it has become easier to sleep due to fatigue,Nicest feeling is when I am totally exhausted and feel myself drifting off,almost like my body is flowing with chemical relaxation fluid.
As you can tell by all this my brain goes into hyper drive late at nite.a bit random and I have missed out loads but if I don't stop right now I will re read all this,correct it,analyse it and end up writing my life history from start to finish.
Oh one more relevant thing, Laid here typing I find myself crossing my legs in a way that causes pain,the pain causes chemical niceness.not the kind of pain as in harmful but enough to create a feeling of joy and contentment.
hopefully anyone struggling to sleep reading this will have nodded off already,nite nite all.time now is 01:46.started typing at 12:45.
