adult wth Aspergers and rules at home

I have an adult son (25 this year) with mild, high functioning, aspergers living at home and he's stuck in some bad patterns of behaviour which I don't seem to be able to get him to shift.

At it's worse, he is taking things in the house that don't belong to him despite numerous warnings about it being unacceptable, he sleeps all day and is up all night. He appears to have no motivation for getting a job or even benefits but is able to manage a social life.

This has been the same since leaving school with only brief interuptions for any periods of employment which tend to be short.

I am concerned by his lack of independence, inability to budget, keep anywhere clean, move beyond teenage behaviour. I have gotten angry, I have explained the need for change for his own and my benefit. I have told him I cannot afford to financially support him any longer but nothing seems to shift him. My friends believe I should throw him out of the house and that he would learn to manage, I am not convinced of this. He will not engage with any organisation set up to help people on the spectrum, part of his not accepting his disability.

I know there will be many out there managing with far more serious behaviours but I'd appreciate any suggestions as it's making me feel very low that this might be a permanent situation for me, and him. Thanks

Deepthought over 8 years ago

Clumsy 'dyspaxic-moment' apology to Debjan - as I used the 'Qoute' function in order to start an attempt at addressing the issues reported. and accidentally activated the 'Submit' function - before I even got started.
"With all problems being solutions in disguise; it follows that each mistake becomes a retake whilst looking through it's disguise."
I can really relate with your situation in that like your son I am a Higher Functioning Aspergian, and like yourself my mother and I had some very very tricky communication issues.
The character of your account is very much in keeping with how my mother used to recognise things, and like yourself presently - she used to find herself at rather a loss in terms of how to provide me with the most effective parenting.
The main poblem was that we both had rich understandings of English, in terms of being able to speak and read it as a language, and that we both had quite rich comprehensions of its meanings - but we both had quite a poor grasp of what we were trying to say to one another thiough.
NAS INFO: "If you have Asperger's Syndrome, understanding conversation is like trying to understand a foriegn language."
The next difficulty I had communicating with my mother and others, is that I utilise lengthy words, complex sentences and complex sentence structures, whilst most other people just use short words and simple sentences.
So for example, apply my problem to short words and sentences, the previous paragraph becomes:
T' nex' diff' I had com' with my moth' an' oth's, is tha' I ut' length words, com' sent's and com' sent's struc's, whil' mos' oth' peop jus' use short words and simp' sen's.
This then is one aspect of Aspergian difficulties whens it come to communicating. I'll post more if you find it relevent, perhaps?
Former Member over 8 years ago

It sounds to me that he's learned that there is no consequences for his behaviour. As bad as it sounds you are going to have to work out how you set boundaries and enforce them.
Is he stealing from you to find his social life? You've got to decide how you establish a boundary. It could be: "I am going to arrange for you to get support to apply for a benefit. We will be setting up a direct payment of 1/2 your money to pay for living at home, you will be responsible for going to the benefits office and training to remain eligible. If you get stood down, then I will be watching out for your stealing and I will involve the police if you do.
Thing is you have got to be prepared to carry through on this.
As well as seeking support (council disability services would be a start, along with NAS) specific to autism, I suggest finding your local Al-anon group. He hasn't got a drinking problem but you need support to stop enabling him to take advantage of you.
My sister had to get really tough with my niece (undiagnosed but clearly spectrum) and set rules about things like 1/2 benefits directly paid before she got off her chuff and found a couple of jobs (seasonal flower harvesting and cooking at a rural pub) part time. My niece moved out and has done far better independent than my sister believed possible. She still spends too long online and has no real social life, but she's a valued employee in her jobs and with the seasonal work is now called first and given extra hours first.