Advice on how to tackle awkward situation!

Dear Annatig1,

It is a very difficult position to be in, especially when you are due to have your baby soon.

I think that an honest and straight forward discussion is a great idea, however, your dad probably needs more than that.

You have mentioned he has recently got a new job. It is a big thing even for a neuro-typical person. I think that he is staying with you as your house is his comfort zone. He knows what to expect of you and your family in terms of behaviour pattterns. 

How about giving him a responsibility and engage him in making an action plan for him? (daily plan to search for flats/houses and long term one for bigger aims)

Perhaps something like this (and add some nice pictures to it):

May 2017

Find my own place (I can do it up with the help of my family)

Make sure that flat/house is ....

It is just the right distance from my daughter's place

What's next 

etc. etc.

It would be also useful to devise your own family values sheet (what brings you guys together) which would help your father to understand your side.

check out this website below. They have quite a few good resources which can be adopted to own needs with a bit of tinkering on a laptop and a printer:

www.pricelessparenting.com/.../family-moral-values-chart.pdf

I would like to add that people with autism (from my own experience) find it easier to have such rules written down as it helps them to visualise perspectives of others and what is appropriate or not.

I know that life is not a tick box sheet but do not be worried to use any aids which can be beneficial to your father's needs.

Hope this helps but is not patronising.

Wish you all the best.

amplissima

Annatig1 said:

My father has aspergers. He lives 2.5 hours away and has recently started a new job near by where I live. 

I live with my husband and two sons and a baby due any day now. He has moved in, without asking, and thinking it would just be for a few days I moved my sons cot in our room allowing him to sleep in the guest bed we have in there. A few weeks have passed and he isn't letting on whether he looking for another place to stay and I genuinely don't think he is aware that it isn't appropriate to just move in? We have a very small house and my son is keeping us awake at night and we are disturbing him when we come to bed, when my husbands alarm goes off, etc. This living arrangment just isn't working and I'm keen to get my son back to his night routine before baby arrives (due in 2 days). 

My dad doesn't understand when he is being innapropriate and can say rude things and offend people without realising. He is very sensitive and cannot take it if me or my mum or my brother try to tell him he has upset us/has been innaprpirate. My dad is very generous and takes us all on family holidays and helps us out financialy. As much as I'd love to accomodate him, we just don't have the room and I'm scared it will take its toll on my marriage. His insensitive comments upset me and so my husband is having to deal with all the extra emotions.

A few things he has said has given us the impression he isn't going anywhere anytime soon and he isn't picking up on my hints that we will need the room back. Im scared of causing any upset, I don't want to hurt his feelings, especially as he is so generous To us. 

Any tips on how to tackle the situation? Thanks. 

Hi Annatig1.

You are in a very awkward situation and I sympathise with you. It seems your dad simply won't take the hint and I assume you have tried to put it over in various ways, so you have to ask yourself whether this is ever going to work.

I appreciate you love your dad and would hate to see him hurt but it's really a question of priorities in this case, I think. You can continue dropping hints and getting nowhere or see your marriage disintegrate and your kids suffer emotionaly as a result.

If you do not make it clear to him he is creating all this upheaval, the time will come when either you or your husband will lose patience and blow up, causing a terrible row, which won't do you or the kids any good. I think you are just putting off the inevitable, to be honest, so I think you do need to be direct with your dad and tell him about your needs and, although you love him to bits, he does need to consider others in the family and move back to his own place.

After all, it's not as if he is homeless so he won't be destitute.

I think honesty is the best policy in situation like this and although your dad will be upset at first, if he has any feelings for you and your kids, will realize you are right in the end. I also think it's important that you and your husband face your dad together so as to present a united front.

I agree with lostmyway that honesty is the best policy.

It is likely that he won't register any gentle hints! The situation currently probably makes logical sense to him as the best solution to his problem. He probably won't be good at really seeing things from someone elses point of view.

I think you have to have a straightforward discussion with him where you state your questions clearly and explain the logic behind your reasons for wanting him to find somewhere else to live. He is more likely to respond to reasoned logic than to someone ultimately losing their patience.