All, I'm in a bad place and need help.
(Sorry in advance for the long post)
I've not been formally diagnosed but my counsellors says there is no doubt that I'm aspergers, anyway...
I was with my partner and married to her for 18 years, we loved each other, had an incredibly close relationship and two wonderful children. This little family group was literally my entire world (I have no other friends etc).
Then disaster struck, two years ago she announced she wasn’t happy, couldn’t go on and we split up (I'll leave the detail but the way I was treated made the worst Jeremy Kyle episode look modest – sleeping with her new boyfriend while I was downstairs wasn’t the worst). I held it together for the sake of my boys and we agreed I’d see my two young boys every two days when they’d stay over and as a result I had something to live for.
I then met a wonderful new woman, she had two young children herself and to her I was Mr Wonderful and she was my Miss World. She had her problems (lots of OCDs, abusive past and uncaring past partners) but we believed we were ideal for each other, in our rose tinted romance hued view even my aspergers worked in our favour: many of my traits (stability, reliability, intelligence) were precisely what she and her children needed. Equally, she could give me with the confidence, love, warmth and affection I craved while also kicking me up the proverbial to get me delivering what my potential prescribed. We clicked on every level. We were, we both believed, destined to be together.
I wrote her daily love notes and poems, made her breakfast in bed and showered her with warmth, affection and love and she reciprecated. Our children got on fabulously, becoming closest friends, sharing every moment and we quickly became a close-knit family group – everything I desired and believed right in the world.
Skip forward six months, without warning, ryme or reason, my ex-wife disappeared taking my two little boys with her. I haven’t so much as spoken to them since. The two most wonderful people in my world were gone and with them all my hopes, dreams and aspirations. From early on in my adult life I believed I didn’t ‘do’ children but with the arrival of my sons I realised I had a natural affinity with kids, friends called me a ‘natural dad’. Playing with my boys; helping them; looking after them, nurturing and caring for them came as second nature and I loved every minute and them with every atom of my heart, soul and body. Suddenly they were gone.
During this time, my new partner and her two children got me through this. I effectively adopted her youngest and became his dad in every sense of the word but problems began to set in.
My aspbergers and her OCD’s collided like two express trains head-on. I couldn’t remember to do the silliest things around the house and when I did they weren’t to the standard she needed. We both tried and tried but resentment, frustration and annoyance ate away at our relationship.
You can probably guess where this is going.
One year later, my girlfriend has left me and with her, my surrogate children, gone. I’m bereft, lost and adrift.
Poking salt into my torn and bleeding heart is the realisation that I, through my aspergers, was the cause for the heartbreak and break up of both relationships – I broke and hurt the two most wonderful woman and who loved me more than life itself. I know it wasn’t all of my making but I can’t stop analysing past events and seeing my faults tearing away at them.
Worst, I have a deep seated fear, grounded in experience, that I’m not going to find another partner and even if I do I’m too old to have more children and even then won’t be able to maintain the relationship. I am for all intensive purposes alone for the rest of my life.
I’m hurting like never before.
I know no one can solve my problems, time will heal, but right now I’m scared, alone and frightened; the thought of not having a partner to chat and cuddle terrifies me. The lack of affection in my life and no children to watch and help grow up takes me to the deepest depths of depression.
I really need to hear some positive tales of aspergers people who have split up from their partner, found someone new and made it work. I’m under counselling, not sleeping or eating, doctors have got me on strong anti-depressants, beta-blockers and more but they’re not working - I need to know that there’s a way out - that I’ll find a partner, have kids and life will return.
