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school life is awful

Jessicaaaaa

Im just going to be blunt. Hi, im Jess and I am 16 and I recently found out I have high functioning autism, or aspergers. I go to a private school, and I find that they dont really give me the same support as my old school, which was the local school. It is a very high achieving school, and after I got my diagnosis I feel lie they are embarrassed by me and that I am letting the school down by having autism.

I always seem to say the wrong things to people so I have a hard time making friends. I always try to help people solve their problems, but I always end up making them worse. The emotion I feel the most is paranoia and I am starting to wonder if thats normal? I get on with a few people, but like many people I find social situations very very stressfull.

I feel a bit lost right now as I have school tomorrow and its the first time goig back since I got the reults. Obviously I am not going to tell anyone about the results as you know how that would sound "Hi, Im jess and im autistic". The boys in my year find autism funny, posting things of people commenting " he looks like he has autism". It makes me worried to back to school.

I am also worried that because I have aspergers that I am letting my family down and not being a good role model for my younger brother and sister. I feel bad for my mum when I have a meltdown as sometimes I get violent( not leaving marks or anything, shes never hurt badly) but I cant really remember what happens when I break down. I am also worried because I fell out with my counsellor Claire and I am worried to go back as I said some things I shouldnt have said apprently( I genuenly cannot remember what I said during my meltdown)

I just feel as if im letting everyone down, and im so stressed about social situations at school like break and lunch and what people think of me. I hate school.

  • Hi Jess,

    How are doing at school lately?

    School was a nightmare for me too, and I also went to a private one - which probably didn't help.  Unlike you, I wasn't diagnosed until many years later, and I suffering bullying and exploitation for years after I left that horrible place.  You havea big advantage over me, though.  You're only 16, yet you understand yourselfa lot better than I did - because you know you're on the autism spectrum.

    Please remember, you can't help the way you are.  You were born with a brain that is 'wired' differently.  Autism isn't an illness, but a different way of seeing the world, maybe even a better way.

    It's not your fault so please don't blame yourself.  The blame lies in those who don't want to understand you.  People are the cause of so much of our suffering.  My cats never bully or tease.  They accept me for who I am, unconditionally.  We can control our sensitivities pretty well, until other people interfere.

    What you believe to be paranoia sounds to me like a perfectly rational fear of the chaotic human world around you at school.  I think this is normal for anyone with autism who's unfortunate enough not to be taught at home.  It's what most schools do to us. Anxiety is normal with autism.

    You're letting nobody down - but others are letting you down.

    I see a good role model as someone who is unselfish, honest, gentle, thoughtful, sensitive, compassionate, caring... and I'm sure you fit that description.

    Your meltdowns with your Mum sound just like mine used to be, but sadly my parents died before I got my diagnosis, so they never really understood why I was so 'different' and sensitive.

    Have you spoken about your feelings to your parents?  Maybe they could educate the teachers into understanding you and your needs better.

    Holding your hand in spirit.  Mihaela xx