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I might have ASD and my wife wants a kid! Help!

charlesjohnstone

I want to start off by saying my family is absolutely infested with autism. I might be too. My brother has it, so does my cousin and my uncle. No females have it as far as I know. But I have shown strong symptoms, but mildly if that makes sense. I have known there was this possibility for a long time. I am awkward but don't struggle socially if that also makes sense. Like my social skills are a bit bad, but people don't seem to care. Anyway, even if I don't have ASD I definitely have the gene. The trouble is my wife wants a kid now. We've been married for 5 years and I never told her this and I also never told her I ddn't want a kid because of this. I don't want to have kids because of the huge risk. I haven't told her about the autism in my family or anything. I have some questions. Is there any autism foetus screening to catch autism early in the pregnancy? If so, can it be corrected artificially? If not, how do I convince my wife not to have a kid? OR, I am happy to adopt or for her to have sperm donation but then again that would seem strange and I would need to convince her of a reason. I don't want to tell her about the autism in my family or that I might have it. perhaps I can say that I have a huge cancer risk gene? Any advice will be appreciated because I don't know what to do.

Parents

  • Hi,

    Autism has a strong genetic component, but there isn't a single 'autism gene' (well...a tiny number of cases are associated with a single genetic mutation, but that's only relevant if you/your family have something like neurofibromatosis or fragile X syndrome). Heretability is much more complex than that - researchers have identified over 200 genes which may contribute to autism in some way, and it's likely that the specific presentation of autism in a person depends on the combination of genes they have. As any child of yours will inherit half of your genes and half of your wife's, it's far from certain that they would have autism. There are currently no screening methods for autism before birth. 

    I would also challenge you on whether it would really be so awful to pass autism on to your children. I have autism and I fully accept that a future child of mine might also, but there is so much variation in the condition that they could land anywhere on the spectrum between profound disability and socially awkward genius - or they might be entirely neurotypical. Early intervention can make a big difference even to children who seem more profoundly disabled. My life has been pretty weird - I was treated badly as a child because I was different and noone realised why, which led to me developing pretty severe mental health problems - but I also have an IQ measured at 160, so I'm very cognitively able in the right circumstances. A lot of people with autism can flourish in those 'right circumstances'. Our different perspective on life has been and still is incredibly useful to the development of society/technology/etc.

    Also, if you do have children at some point, be aware that autism often looks different in women. Some researchers are beginning to suggest that just as many women as men are affected, but it's not recognised in women because the diagnostic criteria and tests have all been largely based on the male presentation. Women seem to mask their social problems and thus avoid detection, even though the stress and effort involved in this can cause all sorts of problems. Just a thing to think about if you're not used to spotting autism in women and you eventually have a daughter.

    If you don't mind me asking, what's stopping you talking to your wife about this? Is there anyone else you can talk to, like a friend, family member, your GP, a counsellor? It's hard dealing with worries about the future on your own.

Reply

  • Hi,

    Autism has a strong genetic component, but there isn't a single 'autism gene' (well...a tiny number of cases are associated with a single genetic mutation, but that's only relevant if you/your family have something like neurofibromatosis or fragile X syndrome). Heretability is much more complex than that - researchers have identified over 200 genes which may contribute to autism in some way, and it's likely that the specific presentation of autism in a person depends on the combination of genes they have. As any child of yours will inherit half of your genes and half of your wife's, it's far from certain that they would have autism. There are currently no screening methods for autism before birth. 

    I would also challenge you on whether it would really be so awful to pass autism on to your children. I have autism and I fully accept that a future child of mine might also, but there is so much variation in the condition that they could land anywhere on the spectrum between profound disability and socially awkward genius - or they might be entirely neurotypical. Early intervention can make a big difference even to children who seem more profoundly disabled. My life has been pretty weird - I was treated badly as a child because I was different and noone realised why, which led to me developing pretty severe mental health problems - but I also have an IQ measured at 160, so I'm very cognitively able in the right circumstances. A lot of people with autism can flourish in those 'right circumstances'. Our different perspective on life has been and still is incredibly useful to the development of society/technology/etc.

    Also, if you do have children at some point, be aware that autism often looks different in women. Some researchers are beginning to suggest that just as many women as men are affected, but it's not recognised in women because the diagnostic criteria and tests have all been largely based on the male presentation. Women seem to mask their social problems and thus avoid detection, even though the stress and effort involved in this can cause all sorts of problems. Just a thing to think about if you're not used to spotting autism in women and you eventually have a daughter.

    If you don't mind me asking, what's stopping you talking to your wife about this? Is there anyone else you can talk to, like a friend, family member, your GP, a counsellor? It's hard dealing with worries about the future on your own.

Children
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