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Dating someone with aspergers

Spinney Lainey

I just started dating a guy, who said he was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was 5 and have now seen him 5 times. I found out on our third date that he had been diagnosed with Asperger's as a child. It was not immediately obvious to me that he had this, although he did seem a bit different and it was noticable from the start that he talked a lot!

His Aspergers is now becoming more and more apparent, even though is in denial about it and continually makes comments like 'I think Aspergers is something you can grow out of'. The last time I saw him, I started to realise how some of his behaviours could be a problem. He has a tendency to repeat stories each time I see him, gets 'stuck in loops' and talks too much. Also, he says things which are really inappropriate. Last time I saw him, he talked continually about traumatic events from his past, often repeating things he'd already told me on previous occasions. It got to the point, where I was exhausted by him talking so much and it was a bit of a monologue. I also felt very uncomfortable about the extent to which he was talking about awful things that happened in his past. He also mentions his exes too much. I feel I set a bit of a precedent with this, as I am very open, so also talked openly about my exes and past traumas, so may have been feeding into this slightly. However, I feel it is now going too far. However, I really like him, we have a lot in common and he is kind, funny, talented and interesting, so I would like to think I may be able to work with this.....

I guess my question would be how I can deal with this. I am wondering whether I can actually be honest with him and tell him that I don't want to talk about past trauma any more, or our exes so much. He will also insist on talking about other peoples' sex lives and things like that, which I would rather not talk about, especially due to the frequency of it, as he repeats himself so much. Do you think it would be appropriate and/or realistic for me to just say when I don't want to talk about a topic any more, or if he is talking too much, or do you think that is asking too much of somebody with Aspergers?

Also, sometimes he can say things socially, which make me feel a bit awkward. I am also wondering how to deal with this situation and if he would be able to stop talking about certain subjects socially, if I told him it made me feel awkward? Obviously, I want to deal with this as sensitively as possible but also need to weigh up whether I can live with these issues, if he is unable to change. Would somebody with Aspergers be likely to be able to change at all in these areas? Any input would be gratefully received. Many thanks

  • Hi, Many thanks for your very insightful and helpful reply. After a lot of deliberation, I have sadly decided to end the relationship, as I realise he won't change and with my own problems, not sure that I can deal with this. Plus he is clearly still stuck in his past. Was a very difficult decision to come to though, as he has so many good features and we got on so well and have a lot in common. However, all my last relationships have been with guys with 'problems' and in the end, it's just ended up really wearing me down, so I don't think I'm really in the right situation to deal with this.

  • Hi Winnie

    Please can you start another thread for this question so that we can discuss the oringinal poster's question here.

  • I've been in a relationship with a man with undiagnosed asbergers,  his daughter is 13yrs old and recently been diagnosed with asbergers. He's finding this very difficult as she's cutting herself too...like over last week and.weekend she's.cut on two occasions. He seems to go under when she's having a down time too, I've not seen him since 14 June.as she's been bad...he.doesn't live.with her...he's told me he's in his room waiting for her to contact him and all he does is thinks of her...he.messages me.saying he's.a burden on me and i should find someone else. And we.should be friend's.... This is hurting me as when he.has something in his mind he tends to stick to it...he's told his friends that he's not with me.and he needs to focus on his daughter...I try to tell him if we're a.united front for her it could help her...and how she loves doing things with my children that might help her too...but it's falling on death ears as he's over thought things and come to this conclusion... I've been told to have no contact with him.and it will make him realise he's made.a mistake...but i think if I break contact with him he'll just carry on the way he is now...in his own little world.as he puts it...I need.advise please...I love this man.

  • Hello, you are in an odd place. I don't know if this will help, but you know it'll be honest!

    Asperger's doesn't change. There are people, and there are Asperger people, it is a condition, not a pair of shoes, you can't grow out of it.

    If you try to stop him talking, he might be quite offended, he certainly won't understand why you aren't interested and may well interpret this as you having no interest in him. An Aspie characteristic is having fixations that he will want to share with you. Fixations change or get taken up without warning.

    He clearly has a fixation over past events, and to an extent he'll always have it in his head somewhere, but over time some of those should fade away as you make new, nicer memories together. Bear in mind the issue around sensory input and seek quiet times and places if you can. Don't forget to tell him all about yourself, he'll be vitaly interested in knowing exactly who you are, and he'll ask the most searching and uncomfortable questions to get at the 'real you'. Remember, we have no concept of 'appropriate'. This is genuine interest - he likes you!

    We don't understand 'innapropriate' behaviour or topic of conversation, we simply say what we see. I am often puzzled by people's reactions to or reluctance to discuss, things that I have in mind and speak about. I just shrug mentaly and think 'people are stupid'.

    Now. You list all of his qualities that attract you, and that's nice. You've missed a few too, most of them, I'm told, a girl's dream, but stick around and you'll soon appreciate them. You sound nice, so you probably deserve him.

    I think that you'll find it difficult to sustain the relationship if he refuses to accept the diagnosis, but you know best what you can or can't do. You'll have to get used to those public faux pas, because they'll happen. No, he can't change, but with your support, he can modify his behaviour. You would both need support for this. His innability to understand that his condition is probably the single biggest factor in his past relationships' breaking down, and his vulnerability will often attract less attractive types. I'm not suggesting you're one, in fact I think it's very nice of you to ask, and that tells me that you like this guy a lot.

    I don't know how old he is, but I can say that male pride could be getting in the way here, and that's a pity. Accepting Asperger's is not emasculation, but it'll maybe feel like it to him.  If he could see that he is 'wierd' to others, but perfectly normal to an Aspie, that might help. Otherwise, the only advice I can give is love him, ride the wave, and enjoy the show! He'll love you for it.