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Did I do the right thing?

NAS71232

I'm very ill and fatigued.

My mother had a visitor that is a neighbour. She asked me for help. He is 86 years old. He had a fall last week in his garden, He lives alone and has a son that lives far away with a family.

His landline is cut off and I phoned his network. They said they are working on it. He as a mobile phone, but doesn't know how to use it. Apparently he refuses help.

My mother suggested that we call social services as he is very vunerable. They said they will phone my disabled mother so we can tell him when they will visit. She has a device around her neck that she can press if she has a fall.

He dosen't know his son's phone number and we organised this without his consent. We phoned social services so they can give him the device. 

  • in reply to NAS71232

    This is a difficult problem and I suggest you need to concentrate on your own health issues, as they seem so serious.

    NAS71232 said:
    The lack of support from his children suggests that they just want his property.

    There may be problems within the family. It may be that your mother's neighbour has fallen out with his sons in the past and driven them away.

    NAS71232 said:
    he can't even phone them if he is in trouble.

    His landline may have been cut off because he hasn't paid his bills and has not responded to their letters. One complication is that phone companies are moving away from landlines to digital. Hopefully, now you have alerted the company, they may deal with him as a vulnerable customer. 

    NAS71232 said:
    God forbid, if he has a serious fall, he needs the phone ready and able in his pocket at all times.

    It's good of you to worry about him. I hope Social Services treat this seriously. Unfortunately, many older people refuse help because they don't want strangers in their house. My father refused the care assistance he badly needed for a couple of years and lied to me about everything, until he ended up in hospital at death's door. Social Services became involved at that point and I had to persuade him to let him have the assistance he needed, but he really didn't want it. I hope he talks to them and lets them help him. 

    I got him the fall device your mother has, but he often refused to wear it because he didn't like it. He would put it on when I pleaded with him but he often took it off when I wasn't there. You can only do so much and your own health should be your priority. I realise it's difficult if your mother frets about his issues, but she can't look after him and neither can you, if you're looking after her as well as yourself. It's good of you to have done what you can to help him. Please don't feel guilty that can't do more - it's up to him now. He's an adult and has the right to make his own choices, even if they harm him.

    NAS71232 said:
    The guy is a pervert and comes on to my mother. I can't say anything as he is 86.

    I would say his age has nothing to do with it - bad behaviour is bad behaviour. Age doesn't give him the right to do this.

  • in reply to NAS71232

    Dear NAS71232, 

    I am very sorry to read this. You have done the right thing by contacting social services and looking after your mother. I think it is important for you to look after yourself and speak to you GP about how you feel and what you are experiencing physically. This additional stress will not be helping but speaking to a professional will help. 

    Hopefully with social services involved you and your mother will be able to take a step back. 

    Please take care. 

    Best wishes, 

    Anna Mod

  • in reply to NAS71232
    NAS71232 said:
    The lack of support from his children suggests that they just want his property.

    It is also possible that they do not fully realise the situation he is in. He may be a very independent and private person who will not tell others of his issues and the slow nature of his loss of control may not be visible to his children.

    With male children it is also quite common for them not to be close, especially for older generations where being close was often seen as a feminine trait and "real men" just dealt with their problems in silence. Not healthy but very common for older generations.

    NAS71232 said:
    The guy is a pervert and comes on to my mother.

    If your mother is still looking out for him after this behaviour then it speaks volumes to your mothers character. She is a saint.

    NAS71232 said:
    I can't say anything as he is 86.

    I disagree. Age is no excuse for bad behaviour and it should never be tolerated. I would ask your mother how she feels about this and what she wants to do about it.

    Overall I think you have done the best thing - pass this onto the people who can make a difference and keep your distance from this unpleasant old man.

    At best you could document the issues, the frequency with which you see them and pass this onto the sons. Ask them for an emergency contact and perhaps call them if you think he is struggling. You have already done much more than most people would.

  • in reply to NAS71232

    The lack of support from his children suggests that they just want his property. By lack of support, he can't even phone them if he is in trouble. That's bad. The guy is a pervert and comes on to my mother. I can't say anything as he is 86.

    I'm trying to deal with my own problems, but my mother wanted my input to help him.

    I hope he gets the care he needs.

    I'm in a bad place right now. I don't want other people's problems, but I help where I can.

    My health is deteriorating. My stomach has blown out of proportion. Not sure if I wil see 2027. They missed something. There is cancer somewhere. I can't say awake. Constanlty fatigued.

  • in reply to Anna Mod

    Hi Anna,

    Thanks for the reply. I found out that he has two sons. He is seeing one of them this weekend. I just found it strange that they left him alone without any form of contact.

    I told him to visit us tomorrow so we can teach him how to use his mobile. He needs to have it with him 24/7.

    God forbid, if he has a serious fall, he needs the phone ready and able in his pocket at all times.

    I'm surprised his son's haven't set that up. Bad form.

  • Dear NAS71232, 

    I feel you have done a very caring thing by looking out for a vulnerable neighbour. Hopefully now social services will be able to provide support for your neighbour and contact the son. It is a lot for you and your mother to undertake. 

    Please look after yourself,

    Best wishes, 

    Anna Mod