Hi everyone.
I’m a 21-year-old mum to a 7-month-old little boy, and my partner is 30 and autistic. I’m posting because I genuinely don’t know what to do, what might be something we could work through, and what isn’t okay anymore. I’d really appreciate hearing from autistic people and partners of autistic people.
When we first got together, he was incredibly kind. He’d check whether I’d slept, tell me not to overwork myself when I was working two jobs, make me laugh constantly, and I felt really safe with him.
Over time, especially after I became pregnant, things changed. Now I feel like we’re roommates who happen to have a baby together. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells because I’m scared of making him angry.
When he gets overwhelmed, he says it’s because of his autism and that he “can’t help” saying horrible things. However, when he is overwhelmed, he can become extremely hurtful and verbally aggressive towards me. He calls me horrendous names, including liar, manipulator, and abuser, and often tells me to get out of the house. This has happened repeatedly, not just once or twice. One of the most painful examples was when I was in labour with our baby and he told me to get out. I was already vulnerable, frightened, and in pain, and being told to leave by the person who was supposed to support me has stayed with me.
He also blames me when he loses things (for example, he recently blamed me for losing his glasses, then found them in his own car and never apologised). If I say, “I just don’t want to be shouted at,” he replies, “I’ve told you, I’m autistic. I’m disabled.” I understand that he may become overwhelmed, but I don’t know whether autism explains this behaviour or whether it is being used to avoid taking responsibility for how he treats me.
I really do try to understand his autism. I make him food, help when he’s unwell, do all of the housework, care for our baby, try to stay calm during arguments, and give him space when he needs it. But I don’t feel like my feelings are ever given the same space.
There have been other things that have damaged my trust too, including him commenting on other women’s bodies, liking sexualised Instagram posts after I’ve asked him not to, admitting that he looks at sexualised pictures, and dismissing how much this has affected my confidence and body image.
We also have very little intimacy now. Since having our baby, I understand that things have changed physically and emotionally, and I know that tiredness, stress, and becoming parents can affect intimacy. However, this has become another painful part of our relationship. I often feel unwanted, rejected, and disconnected from him. There is very little affection or sexual intimacy between us, and when I try to talk about how lonely this makes me feel, I don’t feel heard or reassured. At the same time, knowing that he looks at sexualised pictures and comments on other women makes the lack of intimacy feel even more hurtful. I’m not expecting sex on demand, but I do want closeness, affection, honesty, and for my feelings about this to matter.
One thing that really broke me recently was when our baby was crying in the car and I started breastfeeding him. I simply asked if we could stay for a few minutes so I could finish feeding him, and instead I ended up being told I was overwhelming him, abusing him, and manipulating him.
I know autism can make overwhelm, emotional regulation, and communication much harder. I’m not expecting perfection. What I’m struggling with is whether repeatedly shouting at me, calling me horrendous names, telling me to get out of the house (including when I was in labour), blaming me for things I didn’t do, and dismissing my need for intimacy and emotional connection are things other autistic people recognise as unavoidable parts of autism, or whether they are things that still need to be taken responsibility for.
I feel like I’ve started making myself smaller. I’m scared to ask questions, scared to express my feelings, scared to talk about intimacy, and scared of making a mistake around the house because I don’t know how he’ll react.
I don’t want to leave if this is something that can genuinely be worked on, especially because we have a baby together. But I’m also at breaking point, and I don’t want my son growing up thinking this is what relationships look like.
I’d really appreciate hearing from autistic adults, autistic partners, or anyone who’s been in a similar situation.
